Transcripts are the conversations from the podcast which may contain a few errors/typos.  It can be difficult to catch all errors, especially if two people are speaking at the same time.  Please enjoy the conversation and if you have any questions email us. sherley@sherleysshow.com

00:00
Be good to your friends. Be good to your friends. Don’t be upset with them if they not consider it. I like that. I like how, Kira, you’re upset about that. Me, I’m like, oh well. I think, honestly, I feel like the beauty of it is that you get to choose who your friends are. You don’t have to be friends with people that don’t make you happy or support you or that you can feel safe with if you have friends where you have to filter too much.

00:27
you feel like you can’t be honest with them, you probably should rethink that friendship too. Welcome back to The Sherley Show. I am your host Sherley. Our discussions are going to be ranging from personal life experiences, infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self-love, and so much more. Let’s dive in, pull up a seat, make sure you’re cozy, and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn with me, your virtual girlfriend.

00:56
Welcome back to another episode of Sherley’s show. Today, Kira and I are going to be talking about friendships. Friendships, friendships, friendships, what that looks like for me, what that looks like for her, and I guess what that looks like to the general public because everyone’s sense of friendship is different. There are some people I learn that um check in with their friends on a daily basis and others go months not being seen or heard and then they

01:26
pick back up where they left off. So what sparked this conversation was a video on TikTok that Kira had sent me with Michelle Obama and Issa Rae having a conversation about friendships. it brought both of, it sparked both of our attention, especially I think because of how our friendship too is set up, but I’ll kick it off. um So friendships, number one for me,

01:56
I can count on both of my hands, my friends. I can actually count on one hand, the friends that fall into the A category. Because with me, my friendships are into categories. I have my A, my B, and my C. And I have everyone else that just tags along, that are associates, work buddies that I get along with. You know, it takes a lot for you to get to the A category in my mind. But friendship for me, I am not a check-in everyday type of person.

02:26
I’m not calling you every day. I’m not asking you how your day was at work. To be honest with you, I don’t give a shit because you’ve grown. So I really shouldn’t have to ask you that question. um If you have a significant other in your life, that’s a conversation you can have with them, but it’s not gonna be with me. There was something I saw on, not Instagram, I think it was Facebook a long time ago where someone made a funny comment, but it fit me perfectly. A friendship with me.

02:55
cannot be a real serious contract. The contract needs to be flexible because I can’t check in with you. I don’t even check in with my friends on a weekly basis, let alone months, weeks are going by before I really check in to see what is happening in your life. Now, in an emergency situation, if you need me, I am that friend. I’m there. I’ll make it work. I’ll rearrange my schedule.

03:23
If you want to do something now, I’m more of the, how can I say? Do you hear my kitty? Look at her. It’s like she talking to her mom or dad. What an interruption. And you know, I can’t even like take this. I guess I could. And now she doesn’t stop. Who knows if she gonna start over again. She a whole mess. But it’s kind of, it’s kind of funny. look, she go shoot.

03:51
It’s nighttime, that’s when the cats come alive. I know, I know. She looking up, talking to them. She’s our talker. You’re saying you don’t to, you don’t check in every week. No, I don’t check in every week. Months will go by and I don’t check in. But I am that friend, I will tell you this, I have friends that fall in different categories. What I mean by that is I have my spiritual friend. When I need biblical advice, that’s you.

04:16
and my other girl. Like I’m not calling you, Kira, if I really want to go do something naughty, because I know you’re not about that life. So I wouldn’t call you. So my friends fall in different categories. I have my spiritual girls. I need a little Jesus. I have my girls where I know if I want to mess something up, if I go to a ride by somebody’s house, take a picture, or even if I’m provoked, do something I shouldn’t.

04:45
I got my girls that I could call. And then I have my listener friend where she ain’t really saying nothing. She just there like, know, girl for real, oh my God. You know, she’s just gonna listen. She not really gonna give me advice. She not gonna do nothing. She’s just gonna listen. So I got my listener. So they all fall into get different categories, but that’s how friendship looks to me.

05:11
I talk to some of my friends, Kira, and I hear like, oh yeah, I call my girlfriend every night. What you say? Now, what does your friendship look like? Very similar. I would say similar because I think too, I’ve moved around a lot. So a lot of my friends are scattered. So it’s not even like, these are people that I hang out with on a regular basis.

05:39
how you have close friends who like live near you. My closest friend that lives here is also my cousin. And her and I generally do talk every day, but we’ve kind of always had that relationship because we’re cousins, you know? ah But I have a friend that I was actually just texting right before this and we were like, dang, we haven’t talked since April. It’s like, gosh, I gotta catch you up on a whole bunch of stuff. And she’s like, yeah, I gotta catch you up. And so we’re gonna try to meet up on a layover.

06:08
on Saturday, um but her and I can have these long stretch of months pass and then meet up like no time has passed. And there’s no like bad blood or animosity if we don’t like check in every month or every week. just don’t think that’s realistic and I just don’t need that kind of relationship. That’s not like what I need. I think some people need that. Some people do need that, but do you also feel like we grew,

06:39
those types of people come into our lives or we filter out. Do you ever feel like sometimes you’re filtering out friends? Like in the 12 years I’ve been in American Airlines, you’re the only one in 12 years out of all the people that I’ve worked with cycled through that I can genuinely say that I talk to outside of work on a consistent basis. Now, before you, I had two people during

07:09
training that I connected with. But over time, those two people, still, we’ll still see if we see each other in passing, we’ll say hi and bye, but that’s kind of withered away. And I feel like that was my training connect with those two people. Now that life has dissipated 12 years in and you know, when we see each other, we see each other, but it’s, you know, training is done. It’s over. We’re now over 10 years into the job. Our lives have changed. Yeah. I don’t know.

07:39
filter if we’re like filtering them or if it’s just like a natural progression of like reason season lifetime you know like I think two categories for me so I believe I agree with you about people come into your life for reasons and seasons at different times it could be for a short pan of time it can

08:02
also be there’s longevity, but it can also be for like a medium span of time, not short, not long, but just enough time for what you need. So I do believe that there are people that come into your lives just at the right moment. But I also believe that you only attract those who

08:23
I guess for long term, you only attract those that really compliment who you are.

08:31
I mean, that’s how I see it. My longest friend, we’ve been friends since kindergarten. So we’ve been friends through the actually kindergarten. And then there was a period in elementary, we went to different schools. So we lost that little connection. But as soon as we met back up again for ninth grade, I think it was ninth, no, I think it was, was it eighth grade? Eighth or ninth grade.

09:01
Yeah. Right around that time, because we used to be in a program called Project Smile. And then from Project Smile, we went to Upper Bound. think Project Smile started in seventh and eighth grade. That’s why I’m saying that’s when we connected again. And it’s been continuous ever since. And we’re both in our 40s. Then after her, I have my two high school friends. We’ve been friends since high school. And then I have one friend we met in our early 20s and our kids.

09:30
have gone to school together. And then I have you where I met at work. So I do believe that.

09:39
You know, we attract the people who compliment us. I actually feel like I made…

09:50
It’s so hard to say this, but like I feel like I made really good friends at work, but then they didn’t have like longevity. So I feel like I have three really good friends from work that I’ve been friends with over 10 years. You talking about AA? Yes, I’m talking about American. Yeah. Or sorry. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have three, but they’re all different friends, which is also like kind of how you have your different categories. um

10:19
And one of them, the one that I’m supposed to meet up with this weekend is like very saved, very Christian, very spiritual. Like I kind of lean on her when I need that kind of support. uh Then I have another friend who’s a little bit younger than me and she’s not religious in any way. So it’s also a really interesting dynamic of our friendship. I kind of look at her like a little sister, but then also like an equal. it’s weird, but.

10:48
Her and I have really good conversations. I think like she’s incredibly smart. And so I lean on her for a lot of like, I don’t know, like just wisdom and stuff about the black experience. She’s like an expert on that kind of stuff. And um so those are, and then obviously you, but those are like the three people from work that I talk to on a consistent basis. um And even when I say consistent, it could be like every couple months.

11:16
Girl we ain’t consistent. We can be honest with our listeners. no, no. This Poscas make us consistent. No, no, no. I’m talking about my relationships with them. Oh, okay. Okay. And like the girl that I was or woman I was talking about earlier like her and I realized today that we hadn’t talked since April and it’s June. To me that’s like nothing. Yeah, but like. What’s the longest you ever went without talking to your friend and then when you picked back up it was like, oh. I don’t know because it never feels like.

11:44
Sometimes it feels long, but then sometimes it just feels like life was lifing and we just didn’t connect, but it’s not like either of us are like mad about it. Yeah, not mad about it. I would say the longest that I don’t. Yeah, I have because so my one friend, our birthdays are a week apart and we always like make sure we touch base for birthdays because I do a little get together and I.

12:13
gather my girls, the girls who are local, I gather them together. um I realized that like her and I will make plans, we’ll cancel the plans and then we’ll never remake them. And then when I say the longest is I realized now the season after our birthdays, we don’t touch base together to probably like next year. And we’re like, girl, yeah. That’s why I’m like, what’s the longest do you go? Now mind you, this chick lives.

12:43
Literally not five minutes via car by my house. So this is what I’m talking about. me, but me and her, this is my high school girl. This is how we roll. No animosity. We not pissed off and there’s nothing wrong. Let me tell you, Kaleef reaches out to her more than I do because she works in a government job where I’m not going to put it out there.

13:04
So sometimes he has to contact her to do something or get some information. I’ll be like, you don’t leave my girl alone. Cause if you didn’t know once I go, she goes. So we’re always funny with each other like that. And she’ll tell Kaleef like, yeah, let them know, let them know. Once you gone, I’m gone. He ain’t gonna have access. Honestly, honestly, no, I feel like no. I would say, I will say though that once I got off social media,

13:33
And I wasn’t seeing what everyone was up to all the time. I had to be more intentional about reaching out to people and checking in. And I would try to always do it. If someone crossed my mind, I would send them a text. Or if I saw something that reminded me of them, I would send them a text. Just to just be like, hey, I’m thinking about you. But I also realized that in that space of not being on social media, having all of these friends,

14:02
that people were not reaching out to me. So it was like, okay, I see like who I’m important to, who’s important to me, like who I continue to reach out to or who reaches out to me. And I think just fizzles, but it’s no like hard feelings about it. No, it’s no hard feelings about it. It shouldn’t be. But I guarantee you there are friends that

14:31
If you don’t call them after a week or two, it’s probably a problem. But I think you will discover that early on. I think that there are some relationships that are very codependent, and even in like friendships, obviously, where they do talk every single day or they’re in a group chat with multiple people and they’re talking every single day. But I’ve never…

14:57
I’ve never been that kind of person, surely. Like I’ve never needed, even in relationships, like I remember when we were dating and I was just like, I hope you know, like I’m not gonna be texting you all day. Like I work, I don’t have the kind of job where I can just be like on my phone anyway. And I just never really needed that. So for me, it just feels regular.

15:19
Yeah, I see what you mean. I think what something stood out to me about what like Issa was saying, which sounded a little selfish. Why? I can’t remember. I need to rewatch it. probably should have done that. You want me to send it to you? Yeah, text it to me. But I feel like there was something she said in… Friendship, right? Or you could just play it. Let me see. Just play it. Can I play it?

15:48
I don’t think I have TikTok connected to my device here on my computer. I don’t think if I play, do you hear it when I play? Yeah, I was gonna say just play. Oh, you do? Yeah, just play. I mean, it sounds like it’s through the phone. I am not a check-in every day type of person. I’m a very much, when I’m here, it’s all about you, but I don’t check in as often as I should with friends. And I’ve been, I’ve been told that in the past and I’ve adjusted.

16:17
but you just have to tell me, but it’s not a natural instinct. And so with this, understand like Eva being like, this is kind of a high maintenance friendship in a way where I can’t, I’m not gonna be the same type of friend that you are to me, but I will show up in the ways that I can. If you need me, I will always be there. um And so that is, that would make me consider like, oh, am I um a bad friend because I don’t think

16:47
I think about you, but I might not text you to be like, hey, I just want to make sure you’re okay. But you should know that I would hope you would call me if you weren’t okay and know that I would show up for you and be there for you. just not the, I’m not considerate. I’m not a considerate friend in the way that I would like I mean, she’s telling you what kind of friend she is. That’s the renouncement there. It’s true. It’s like one of my biggest flaws because I’m just so work focused that I’m not like.

17:15
I don’t think about you, but I tell you that I’m glad about you. And that’s fair. But that’s also part of friendship. Right. I am not a check in every day type. OK, so. What don’t you like that she didn’t say what she Well, here’s the thing. She told you exactly from her own mouth that she’s not a considerate friend. The part that we’re talking about is like, we have friends who don’t need that.

17:42
She sounds like she’s talking about friends who need more of that check-in, need more of that kind of like space. So it’s like, if you have a friend that you know needs that kind of space, needs that kind of like check-in or follow-up or like, let me know you’re thinking of me. And you know that they need that, and you just don’t do it because you’re just like, that’s not what I do. Then I think that feels a little bit inconsiderate, which is clearly what she said.

18:12
Because then on the same hand, you’re like, well, I expect them to call me if they need me. But you know that they want or need that kind of like check in and follow up and you don’t do it. But then you expect them to just call you when they need you.

18:27
I feel like that’s a little different, but. You think so? I think for me is I’m shocked that I don’t think that’s different. It’s no different from what I said in the beginning where I’m not calling you, I’m not checking on you. I know the type of friends that I have. But are your friends, do your friends accept that or are your friends more like they do like more talking and check-ins? Not with me. Let me tell you. know two of are exactly like that.

18:57
There’s, no, three of them. My one friend, I think she could go 50-50 depending on who she’s dealing with. She might adjust. But with me, all my friends that I have that are in my A category, we’re talking about my A category, my B and C categories, these are not people where I would say they’re dear friends or I would call if something serious is going on. These are people I’m calling if something serious is going on, I’m depressed.

19:27
type of thing. They accept me for who I am. know, now I will tell you, my one friend who I’ve been friends since high school with, she has somebody that we have mutual knowings of. She speaks with a lot more than she speaks to me. That’s why I’m saying that my friends, I’m not saying that all, cause you know, my friends has other friends and I think yours do too. They adjust to Sherley.

19:54
That’s what they do. you did say that two of your friends are like you, which means that they don’t need the same things. They don’t need the same thing, but I do know my one friend, she adjusts for another mutual friend that we have. So she will make adjustments when necessary. That’s a little more than what I do. don’t… I feel like, this is how I feel like, I feel like if you knowingly know that your friend needs more…

20:24
relationship, like either if that’s like a weekly, monthly basis, and you make a choice to not put in an effort to reach out to them.

20:38
then that’s inconsiderate because you know how they are. However, if you have a friend who is like you in the sense of, I don’t really need all those check-ins, like that’s kind of how I am with my friends. I don’t need all these check-ins. We’ll check in when we need to check in. Something’s going on, we’ll check in. Because we’re both on the same page, I wouldn’t say that I have any friends who need daily, weekly, monthly.

21:08
check-ins because… So let’s look at it this That wouldn’t work for me. I would feel poorly about being… I wouldn’t be able to be a good friend to them. So let’s look at it this way. Let’s look at it from another perspective. She has stated that she’s a very inconsiderate friend. Now you have associated that kind of as a negative from a friend’s perspective because she should be more considerate if she knows her co-dependent friends need that.

21:37
daily, weekly checking, whatever they need. Let’s look at it from another perspective because we know our friends have other friends. Absolutely. So if this codependent friend knows how the one friend is, why are they solely leaning on that friend? And like she said, see, I can understand the perspective that she’s coming from because I guess maybe I am that inconsiderate friend without me using that word. um

22:07
If something is going on in your life, hope you are mature enough to pick up the phone and tell me, Sherley, I need to talk to you, Sherley, I got, because I just can’t, I can’t check in with you all the time. I am really to myself. me, honestly. It’s just not. I can’t do it, I can’t do it. So you either need to have other people in your life to cater to that need, because if you’re solely leaning on me, you’re going to drain me and you’re going to ruin.

22:36
what little bit of friendship that we have because I’m not doing it. I’m not checking with you on a daily basis. I’m not checking with you on a weekly basis. I’m barely checking with you on a monthly basis. Why? Because I work. I’m gonna tell you, I can be a little selfish with my time. Listen, very. Now I am. I am too. So I have three people in my life outside of me that I have to commit to, that is top priority, okay? Once I’ve given all I have to those three people,

23:06
I’m telling you the honest truth. My friends are not like up next. I’m up next. Because I can’t give, give, give. And then I’m not like giving to myself. Like I can’t pour into myself if I’m constantly always giving, giving, giving. I just can’t do that. So I don’t look at what she said as a negative because I’m hoping that friend that is codependent.

23:33
has some other people to lean on because girl, if I’m the only one, this ain’t gonna work. I can’t give you what you need. This is not gonna work. You need to find someone else to lean on. I can’t be the only one you calling. You’re draining me. And as a friend, you have to also be honest with your friends. I remember 11 years ago. That’s very true. When I was going through my infidelity situation, the big blow in our relationship.

24:03
My Christian friend told me after probably several phone calls to her, even your friends get drained over time. She told me, Sherley, I don’t got it for you anymore. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have the answer. I don’t know what else to do to sue you. This is going to take time. But look, if you want to talk, I’m here. But I don’t have it in me. I don’t know what else to tell you about this situation.

24:31
Because why? I would call, I would be sad, I would be depressed, you know? And my friends are there for me and that’s what friends are supposed to do. But when she told me that it was also a rude awakening for me because it was like, oh, I’m draining my girl. You know what I’m saying? And I took that as exactly what it was. You know, because one of our friends in reality is free therapy. Might not be the greatest therapy advice sometimes because you know, sometimes you gotta filter that therapy.

25:00
advice that you get, but it is free therapy. You know you ain’t calling your therapist back to back because they want this. Give me some money. Well, there’s something that I do do with my friends and my sisters do this too. And my friend who I told you is really smart, who’s a flight attendant and she’s in school for her PhD. feel like she’s been in school forever. Is this that one you had me interview? Had you interview?

25:31
I don’t remember. Way back when she was in school for her PhD as well, but she should be done by now. No, she’s not done, but she’s almost done. I vaguely remember this. uh I think I told, I think I was like… Is she LGBTQ? Yeah, I think I was like, she would be good to talk to. me interview her. Yeah, she was good to talk to.

25:54
I interviewed her, I know who you’re talking about. Sweet young lady. She’s still working towards that? Yeah. She ain’t done yet? No, she’s not done. She’s almost done though. Well, she is working too. Yeah, so she’s like not doing it full time. Yeah, well, yeah. has to take leaves and stuff. her and I definitely do the same. She’ll do it too when she reaches out to me like, do you have the bandwidth to listen to like event session or is now a good time for me to like let you know what’s going on?

26:23
so you can like give me advice or I would love your opinion on this. And so I think that that’s too a respectful way to be like, hey, I don’t wanna just dump on you and I haven’t talked to you for two months, but also like, I really trust you and I need your advice is now a good time. And then most, think maybe once or twice each of us might’ve said like, no, it’s not a good time. Can I circle back with you next week or whatever? But I also…

26:51
My sisters and I do that too. Like, hey, can I, do you have time to listen to an event or, you know, do you have the bandwidth to listen to an event? And then they’ll say yes or no. My sisters is, I think is a different relationship, but we’re still very close. But I think that’s a respectful way. the middle one, you’d have to book an appointment. You know exactly who I’m talking about. I’m not gonna say your name on here. Yeah.

27:20
I feel like with her you got to book an appointment. She’ll quick to be tight. I can’t talk to you right now. You know her well. Very well. And that’s short amount of time that you’ve spent with her. But yeah, I think that I still deal with her now because that’s what she did to me not too long ago. straight up told me I ain’t got time to do what you asked me to do. we you know, and I had to work something out that fit her schedule. So but I respect her. Yeah. And she’s very direct like that, too. But.

27:47
I don’t know. feel like if you have friends who, like your friend told you, like that was really honest and, um, don’t you, didn’t you respect that? Like, yeah, it was eye opening for you, but I felt like you respected her. Like, like thanks for telling me the truth. Like, cause how many times am I going to say something to you five different ways and it’s, you still not getting it. Like what else do you want me to say? Yeah. Like how many times? And we’re talking about months. This is not like a month or two months on.

28:16
And then she finally told me this. respected her 100%. But you know, there could have been situations where the opposite of that, could have ruined a relationship. If you were super needy. Could have ruined a relationship. Said, how dare you say that to me in my time and need right now. Girl, you’ve been in need for 12 months. We’re talking about the same What you want me to do? Yeah, like what you mean your time and need. How many more times do I have to tell oh

28:45
This is the thing too, I mean, and this can segue into honest friendship. Like what is the level of onyx friendship? Should you filter with your friends? Should you not filter with your friends? How do you be honest with them, but not feel like you’re gonna ruin the relationship or tear the friendship apart? You know, that’s another hard part about friendship. It is hard, it is hard. And that’s why.

29:11
Friendships are for a reason in a season sometimes because when that season is over, the friendship is over. But I feel like real friendship, last is a very, very long time. Yeah, I would agree. They’re filtering. I feel like, yeah, there have been times where I held my tongue. So I was definitely filtering some things. Because I also, I just have this thing too where

29:41
I say this to my friends a lot, like, I’m not your Holy Spirit. I can’t be your Holy Spirit, like, can’t be guiding you and telling you all the things, like, you need to go to God, you need to pray, and then circle back and we can, chit chat through things.

29:59
There’s times where I hold my tongue for sure because I don’t want to come off like judgmental. And because sometimes it’s just my opinion doesn’t really matter. And also I feel like at the end of the day, you’re going to do what you want to do anyway. I have a friend also who I feel like will go to multiple friends for advice about the same issue. And whoever gives her the advice she wants to hear is the one she goes with.

30:29
So she might go to four different people and tell us, or tell me, like, yeah, I talked to so and so about this, and I talked to so and they said, da da, and I’m like, well, you know I’m not gonna say that, so why are you even talking to me about it? It’s like, I think that’s kind of a weird place to be in too, where you’re…

30:50
like saying the same thing over and over again, but competing with other people who you know have different opinions. So it’s like, I’m not even gonna engage in like, I’m like, oh, well, it sounds like you got a bunch of different advice. Guess you need to make a decision now. There’s no point for me to put my opinion in the hat. Do you know what mean? My ear is itching. Something’s.

31:18
You got your earring on? Yeah. Is it in your earring? No, it was like inside my ear, but. Do you know what I’m saying? Like, if I’m like, Sherley, I don’t know. don’t know even what an example to use, but like, okay, so Sherley, I’m gonna call you and be like, hey, I don’t know, me and Adrienne are having issues about XYZ. What do you think? And then I’m gonna call Tanya, and then I’m gonna call Jackie, and then I’m gonna call Cece, and then we’re.

31:45
I’m gonna be like, hey, what do you think? What do you think? And then, oh, Tonya gave me the advice I wanted to hear. Like, I don’t like that.

31:57
Yeah, I hear you. I don’t like that either. And I guess if you guys mutually know each other and she’s saying, yeah, I just called Tanya and Jackie and talked to them too, girl. And yeah, there are people that will make several phone calls to try to hear the advice that they want, not the advice that is beneficial to the situation that they don’t like. Right. And it’s usually advice that doesn’t require them to be accountable.

32:27
No, because people as human beings, know, we don’t like to be accountable all the time. Accountability hurts, it sucks, and it’s just, I don’t want to admit that I was wrong. I’m not going to do that. ah honesty in a friendship is hard. hard. It’s hard, but I don’t feel as a friend, I should be doing too much filtering with you. I agree. Because honesty doesn’t mean disrespect. It’s about delivery. I definitely agree with that. Yeah. m

32:57
So I have to sometimes depending now, most of my, okay. So my girls are at my level. I would say all of them are at my level, but I also feel like there’s a, no, no, my A-listers, I can really kind of tell them anything with respect. Like even with them, I still have to be respectful of my delivery. I can.

33:24
You can be honest. my A-listers everything. I think this is more towards my B and my Cs, where I have to gauge who I’m speaking to. Kind of same thing I feel like when you’re at work and we deal with different crew members, different personalities, and you have to gauge your delivery on who you’re talking to. Remember how we mentioned, like, is this important for me to bring up with you because am I gonna see you again? So I feel like my Bs and my Cs are the ones where I may have to

33:54
kind of filter what I say in a respectful way. Because if I have like Tanya over here who’s really sensitive, then I have to turn the filter up or notch. But then we might have Jackie. Jackie can hold her own a little more and I can really spill it into Jackie. So I feel like with friends, you have to know your friends to that degree.

34:21
to still get the message out there because I can’t have friends who gonna lie to me. Because if I’m doing something that’s not right, or if I’m saying something you may not even agree with or like, Sherley, that, I need you to tell me that. And I have to be mature enough to handle that because you’re my friend. You’re supposed to be looking out for me and you want the best for me. So why are you gonna lie to me in my face?

34:51
I have to reevaluate this friendship if you feel as though you can’t be 100 % honest with me, be who you are around me.

35:03
What kind of friendship do we have then? Yeah, I agree. Do you have you ever have you ever felt like you had to filter yourself with me?

35:13
No, I’ve never had to filter myself with you. I’m trying to think because you know what I realized with us, Kira? We have a uh lot of our conversations happen on the podcast. You know, we’ve had some conversations outside of the podcast, especially there’s been moments where right before we press record, we’ve had some conversations. But um this time,

35:42
We do a lot of connection. It’s like our conversations, but we’re just recording them. Yeah, we’re just recording them. um When we took that long break, there was, I think it was almost a year, you was going through stuff. Yeah. And then after that, right after kind of what you went through, I went through, then I had passing and just so many different things was evolving. It’s just like, and then we just reconnected.

36:12
What did I, I sent you the thing last year and saying, we need to start recording again. And I want it to be you. You know why too? I’m very particular about other outside of Calif. It was hard for me to sometimes what people didn’t realize because there were moments when I wanted to restart recording the podcast. said, well, before I call Kira, she might be going through something. And in case Kira tells me no, I would be secretly like.

36:39
interviewing people, but interviewing people silently. I was like, now you ain’t a good friend. You ain’t gonna work either. I was like, I just got to call Kira. And if she says she can do it, then I’m just gonna have to figure out what option C’s wanna have to be. was all about timing too. The timing was like pretty perfect. It was. I was all healed up. You were like, I could do one of my, and don’t ask nothing else from me. That’s all I got for you.

37:08
That’s our catch up. And I mean, a lot of times too, we’ll record and then we’ll stay on after. then I’m like, okay, Sherley, I have to go. Like we’ve been talking for two hours, you know? But yeah. Like what most people don’t realize is late now. so, it’s so, I think it’s like intentional times out. Like sometimes you really have to carve out like intentional time. We have like a couple um friends that we have here locally. And when I tell you we have to schedule our meetups, like almost 45 days out, it’s like, okay.

37:38
on June 21st at three o’clock, we’re gonna get together. It’s like we have kids, we have families, we have jobs, we have hobbies. It’s like a lot of, and if you’re thinking about all of the important people you have, even if it’s just five, you have to figure out how to carve out time for five different people on top of all of the other things, plus your family. It’s like, yeah, so the thing was too like,

38:07
I love talking to Sherley, like, yeah, I want to do it, but it’s like, I realistically can’t do more than one time. It’s just not, you know? Yeah. And I understand that. I totally understand that. So no, there’s never a time for you. And when I think about all my friends, I don’t believe I’ve had to filter anything for them.

38:31
I’m trying to think, and if I have to think this hard, don’t think so. have you ever had friendships where you guys broke up and came back together?

38:45
No. So the thing about my friendships is, you know, so my kindergarten friend, we both had a mutual friend that we had known from kindergarten that we grew up with, but she kind of, kind of went in a different direction than her and I did. although when we, so no, to answer your question, no, I’ve never had someone that I really broken up with.

39:15
and reconnected heavy again with. Have you ever had a friendship end and you had to like mourn that relationship? No. No? I’ve never mourned any relationship. No. Oh, wow. Never mourned. Now, I may have questioned like, hmm, I wonder how, I guess that person was only in my life for that particular time. You know what I’m saying? Like we have a mutual friend that we know as flight attendants that I’ve mentioned from training, you know.

39:43
It was going strong for a while and then kind of really right around COVID, it kind of went in a different direction. Do I mourn it? No, I don’t mourn it. You know, I may have questions in my head like, I guess it was only for that time in our life. You know, that’s all I can say, you know, that it didn’t go any further.

40:08
but I don’t see it as a negative. Like a loss. It’s just that was my friend for that time that I needed and that was great. Yeah, I don’t see any of my friends that I can think of now that pops up in my head that were my friends at a particular time that were not as close anymore. Because it takes a longevity, friendship with longevity takes a long time.

40:36
the people I’m telling you that are in my A category, it takes time. To get there, to earn it. For me, it takes time to get there, to earn it because I have to see and understand what type of person you are, if we’re a good match, conversation wise, can we conversate? You know, I just…

41:06
all these things that I take into consideration. So no, I never had a friendship that broken up and we got back together, but I’ve never had a friendship end in such a disrespectful way that when I see you, I can’t speak to you. So that I’m proud of. I’ve never had a friendship end in a way where I can’t speak to you. Yeah, I don’t think so either. So no, I’ve never had that. But I have a question for you. Are all your friends…

41:36
Mothers. No. Oh, how do you navigate the ones that are single? What? No, I shouldn’t say single because single can be not married or single. How do you navigate the ones without children? Without children? um They’re in a different category. Do you find it to be hard? Yeah, they’re in a different category. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, they’re in a different category because they don’t understand.

42:05
Yeah, all my A-listers got kids. Exactly. Right? Because… All my A-listers got Let’s think about this. Let’s be realistic. Like when me and you were even trying to figure out June, I was like, Sherley, girl, I’m going on vacation. My birthday’s in June. Your daughter’s graduating. You had prom last month. It was just like, yeah, too much is going on. It’s the end of the school year for you. My son got out of school in May. And then I was like, my son is going to be home, Sherley.

42:33
You’ll, be hearing. Oh, he’s going to be home in July. He’s home now. He, oh, he is, but it’s later now. That’s another reason why too. He’s in bed, like he got out of school May 25th. Oh, that’s right. To get out earlier. like, surely I can’t record in the daytime when he’s here because I didn’t, I don’t have him in camp until next week. So it was like, okay, how are we going to do this? Or I would have friends who would be like,

43:01
For example, I have some work friends here and we meet up once a month for brunch. That’s it. Oh, that’s cute. Now, last month, somebody got sick and we couldn’t meet up. This month, I’m like, hey, I’ll have Zaire. So you guys still want to meet up or you want to adjust? And they were like, well, can we do happy hour? I’m like, no, I can’t do happy hour. No, I have my child. I’m not taking him to a bar. Oh, they wanted, wait.

43:30
They didn’t want him to come No, they didn’t want him to come to happy hour, but they’re asking me, like, we do happy hour? And I’m like, no, that doesn’t work for my lifestyle. Because if Adrian is house to work, I have to have my kid, which happy hours from like four to six, four to six thirty. I don’t get home till four o’clock with Zaire from school. So then I’m supposed to just bring him home. Like I’m just seeing him for the day and then leave to go to happy hour. That’s not how I roll, especially because

43:59
I am gone for work. So when I’m home, I try to be really intentional about being home. So what I try to do is schedule meetups with people when he’s in school. We can meet for lunch, we can meet for breakfast. That’s all I got for you. If you can’t do that, I’m sorry about it. Sorry. So my friends who are not mothers or who don’t have families, they understand now, because I explained it to them.

44:26
but those are not my friends that I’m like going out with. Friends that I’m going out with are people that I’m planning a month in advance. I’m having a babysitter come or I’m asking my mom a month in advance if she can watch Zaire so we can go out for the night or if being Adrian or going on a date night. It’s like all of that takes a lot of intention and a lot of planning. So when you don’t have children, you can just move and not have to worry about.

44:57
Nothing. That’s not, that’s not, and that’s not realistic for us, especially because there’s not a lot of people that I can leave Zaire with. You know what mean? Very true. Mm-hmm. He’s not a child that’s old enough to stay home by himself a lot. And then I have like that other group of friends like you and some of my other friends locally whose children are much older, they can leave them in the house. I can’t leave my kid in the house. So it’s just like…

45:26
If they can be flexible and bend, great, then we can meet up. So we’ve been meeting up for brunch. Like I’m actually meeting with them tomorrow. And we plan to go to this place that has like an outdoor kids play area. You know? Oh, the children come. Oh, they’re coming. Oh Lord. And I’ll have Zaire, my goddaughter. So that’s what I mean by who’s coming. But you know what I’m saying? If my friends were not like understanding of that, then I probably wouldn’t be that close with them. Right?

45:55
because I’m just in a different stage of life than they are, which is totally fine. But I didn’t have friends that had kids when I was their age. And so that’s also interesting too, because I was never hanging out with anyone when I was in my early 30s or late 20s that had children. Yeah. No, not really. No. You did not. had a friend that had a kid.

46:25
Um, when we were in our twenties and I used to help her a lot with him, but he was a baby. So it was like, I guess, yes, I did know someone who had a child, but her and I kind of drifted apart. So then there wasn’t like someone’s in particular friends that I had in general that all had kids. There was another friend I knew that had a kid, but her mom basically lived in the same house. So she had her daughter a lot. So it just, I don’t know, it just wasn’t.

46:56
Like how it is, how I feel like it is with me and my friends who don’t have children, I think it’s a little different. I don’t have that same kind of support, I think that my friends at the time who had little babies had. I understand that, I totally understand because as a mother I get it. You have a young child, so it takes a lot of planning. Even now with my older ones, still takes planning. It’s a lot of planning. It’s still planning. ah

47:26
Yeah. And then, you know, even though I guess the benefit is like when it comes to Khalif and myself. So when I say planning, more planning my schedule around them. But when it comes to planning events with friends, the last, what, 14, 15, 16, 17? The last four or five years have looked differently for me because they were old enough to stay home.

47:55
So I didn’t have to go. it’s for you. It’s coming for 10 more years. How old you got? Can he be 14? How old is he now? Seven? He’s seven, maybe seven. So in seven years, girl, stop talking. You crazy. We’ll see. he should be able, even for two hours, if y’all don’t go out too far, you know what I’m saying? He could stay home by himself. Maybe you can maybe install a camera in the house. We already have cameras. room, in the house? Yes, all over my house.

48:25
I have to have cameras. I have cameras inside the house. Well, you know, I have a lot of cameras because he was having seizures a lot. Oh, yeah. Your situation. That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. But yes, that’s a good point. I guess to end the segments about friendship, what I want to add is be considerate of your friends.

48:53
depending on the type of friend you have. If you are a codependent friend, don’t lean on the non-codependent one who’s really not going to be there, like you want them to be present for you. You have to have, and this is another thing we didn’t touch on that I have to say here, a healthy number of friendship. And what’s a healthy number? There’s no bookmark.

49:22
But I feel like if you have in the range of eight or less, I think that’s a healthy number. Now if you’re creeping into eight or more, that’s a lot of people in my honest opinion to keep track of. 10 friends. That’s a lot. mean, maybe 10 might be all right, but if you, I know my one friend, she had a lot of people.

49:50
You know what I’m saying? Yeah, I have six. Six. And six, we’re talking about six in my A group. Six in my A group. I know a lot of people, and I have a lot of associates and people who are my friends, but they fall in different categories. oh So if you are a codependent person, don’t lean on the non-codependent one because they might not be as considerate as you would like them to be. And don’t be upset with them because…

50:16
That’s just who they are. That’s their DNA makeup. They’re not checking with you all the time. They care, but they don’t care. So you need to find somebody else to lean on. If you need that daily check-in and you want to tell somebody what happened at the job, or you need that weekly check-in, you need to find another group of friends who’s codependent so you can lean on them. Friendships are a great thing, and we definitely need them. We definitely need friendships. Here she come again, She said, I’m your friend.

50:46
I’m your friend. I just need to disturb your podcast and let people know I’m here even though they can’t see me. That’s okay. She quiet now. But um… That was good. Yeah. Be good to your friends. Be good to your friends. Don’t be upset with them if they not consider it. I like that. I like how, uh, Kiara, you’re upset about that. Me, I’m like, oh well. I think, honestly, I feel like the beauty of it is that you get to choose who your friends are.

51:16
You don’t have to be friends with people that don’t like make you happy or support you or that you can feel safe with. If you have friends where you have to filter too much and you feel like you can’t be honest with them, you probably should rethink that friendship too. Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with that 100%. You got to be able to be honest and upfront with your friends. You have to feel comfortable around your friends because if you don’t, really have to question the…

51:44
Friendship is a genuine is it real because if you ask me something and I’m legitimately telling you the honest truth and You can’t seem to accept that even something as simple as Sherley, how does this look girl? You look like shit oh

52:04
You should just be able to be like, well, damn, yeah, find something else. Right. Thank you for telling me. this is simple. Yeah, this is simple. You know, we could be a different level of friendship. What is a deal breaker for you for friendship before we end this last? What is a deal breaker for you? A deal breaker? What would end a friendship for you where you wouldn’t even think about wanting to reconnect?

52:35
Someone who disrespected me. That’s it? In what way? Someone who disrespected me by being inappropriate with my husband would be an immediate friendship breaker. Okay, so we’re thinking the same because I was going to say the same thing. Someone who hurt my child. Disrespected me. Or talks crazy to my kid even if they didn’t lay hands on them.

53:02
you’re out immediately. And I would 100 % say someone who is like homophobic, I can’t be friends with people like that. We’re along the lines of the same thing. That’s a good question to end this podcast with. What is a deal breaker for you and your friendship that would end? Everything that Kira said I agree with, we align well together because those for me are deal breakers as well. Don’t mess with my man, don’t mess with my children.

53:31
and don’t be disrespectful towards gays and not even gays, regardless what type of lifestyle you want to lead. I mean, any group, I would say more generalized, like any group of people, if you’re- Any group of people. What is it? All the phobics. All phobics, I like that, all the phobics. You hate Muslims, you hate women, you hate gays.

53:59
Everybody. of that, no. Yes and all. No, yeah. Yeah. So we’re going to end. It is late for us, y’all. We record very late. And as always, we thank you guys for listening to us. We appreciate it. So until the next episode, have a good one. Thank you for tuning into the show. If you want to continue the conversation or share your takeaways, head on over to the website or join us on social media.

54:29
I want to hear from you. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. Chat with you soon.