00:04

Right. Welcome back to another episode  of Shirley’s show. And on today’s episode,  we are going to be talking about letting go of family baggage.  We’re going to be discussing how millennials are breaking cycles, healing generational wounds and defining family dynamics.  So this topic should be of interest, especially what we were talking about before I hit play.  But I’m going to pass you the mic here. Let’s get started.

02:17

Mm-hmm.

02:54

I  I agree and I think you summed it up very nicely because a lot falls  in within those examples that you just provided that we can dissect individually. um A big one is the ah traumas that are passed along the generations from generation to generation.  You added some interesting in there with like  stay.

03:21

home, staying at home, that was an interesting one to hear.  And  that was the most interesting one to hear. Because you think that’s like a traditional thing. But it’s interesting to hear you say, oh, that might be family baggage.  You know, so ah I guess which which is the first one you want to discuss?

04:34

Yeah.

04:48

Got it. I guess parenting is a good one for me. um Rewriting the script of what I saw as a child growing up.  My parents, if I had to rate them out of 100 in  their parenting skills.

05:07

Yes, but there’s different categories. There’s emotional support.  There’s  um that would total up to 100  there’s education and there’s like physical support  There’s uh spiritual support. So all those categories would fall under that 100  The highest rating they would get is for education because really that’s the primary thing they focused on but when it came to providing me emotional support or physical

05:37

support.  They failed in that department. Spiritual support, they, it’s right behind education. So it would be education, spiritual, emotional, physical, and then everything else follows. Which I don’t even know what would everything else be. I don’t even know. I guess  a lot fall.  That would be after.

06:04

So I guess for me, what I mean by that is  how I chose to break generational curse of what I saw growing up. uh

06:14

I mean, I’ve said this before, as you know, for the first four and half years of my life, my grandparents and my aunts and uncle raised me.  My mom left when I was six months old. My father left when I was three months old to come here to the States.  So I didn’t meet them until I was pretty much about to turn five. I came here August  four, five, six, seven,  August of 87. And then I turned five in March of 88.  So I didn’t have a great.

06:43

relationship with them. But anyhow, fast forwarding. Education, they spent on my education because from first grade to 12th grade, I went to Catholic school all my life. So that was a big priority for them was education. But after that, then I didn’t get any support really after that. And me now being a parent and seeing my 18 year old

07:07

17 year old my daughter who’s going to college it doesn’t stop at 18 and what I mean it doesn’t stop at 18  is Yes, they’re legal to make decisions  and they can do things on their own  But you still need a lot of parental support  you hear my door cracking  Hold on. Okay

07:35

Hold on,  I’ll talk to you later, dad.  Okay, I have to finish this. So I’m gonna come talk to you in a minute.

07:43

It’s going to be an hour.

07:49

Yeah, come back.

07:52

Yeah, after one hour you could or you could call me. Okay. gotta go back to the hospital. To do what? get the day. I went  this morning they say I need paper. don’t know what say. I know I talked to Wendy so I have to do a lot of the stuff I have to do online so I don’t know why you going back there because Wendy gave me the instructions already.

08:29

Yes, she told me all of this information, so I will take care of it for you.  Okay, because it has to be done online. There’s instructions that she gave me.  So you going there, she told me that you come there, but she already told me what I have to do online. So you could continue to go,  but there’s instructions that she gave me because there’s a company I have to set a profile for you online to upload the information. So you going doesn’t mean anything because there’s steps that has to be followed. Okay.

09:02

I will take care of everything. You don’t need to worry about it because I have all the papers you need.  So once I set your account online, I have to print the document out and I have to take it to the rehab center so the doctor can fill out  and I’ll speak to the social worker so she can take care of it.  I don’t need you.  When I need you, I’ll let you know.

09:24

Who said that? oh Wendy didn’t say that. oh

09:39

I  don’t know.  What if you say it okay then?  Okay.  Just relax. spoke to Wendy. She gave me the instructions and that’s what I’m doing.  You have to listen to me.  I mean  because you just can’t do anything yet until I take care of this. She told me that.

10:07

I’m telling you that right now.

10:13

Who said that? Wendy?  It couldn’t have been Wendy. Not with the instructions that she gave me.  I would suggest not to listen to this guy because Wendy, that’s why I had you pick the packet up at six because Wendy told me  to have you come at six o’clock to pick that packet up. She gave me these instructions. I’m not just making this stuff up. And she told me, she says, I see him coming up there  and there’s nothing I could do unless he follows these procedures.

10:54

I will take care of it dad, but I got to finish this okay.  All right.

11:06

But I’m not going today.  You’re not going this week at all. Because I have to do what I have to do online, and it’s not a quick turnaround. I have to download.

11:20

Dad, I have to create an account for you online with this company called Sedwick. Once I create that account, there’s forms I have to take back to the rehab center for the doctor to fill out.  I also, when I drop them off, I have to wait till they’re ready to pick them up. So you’re not going to work all this week.

11:38

I don’t know what security you talking to. I don’t know what’s going on. I finally spoke to this nurse you kept telling me about. Her name is Wendy  and she gave me the instructions.  So you just need to be patient and wait and listen to me. You’re not going this week at all. All right.

12:18

I’ll tell her to save it.

12:30

This is what I gotta go through. Yeah.

12:42

That’s it too.

12:55

Yes. So where I left off is it doesn’t stop at 18. You know, at 18 you still have to continue assisting the child regardless if they’re going to trade school, if they’re going to college, or even if they choose to work. You have to remember they just literally turned to 18. There’s no credit that they have. You know, the only thing that they can probably get with maybe a 40 % interest rate is probably a car and that’s insane.

13:22

Why would you want your child to do that? You’re already setting them up for failure right then and there. What a large card payment that can they really handle with the job that they’re about to go get at 18? exactly. So it doesn’t stop at 18. With me, as much as I wanted to go away to college and do that, I didn’t get the support that I needed. So my mom has suggested I go into the military. So it’s not that she didn’t support me. It’s just.

13:51

She tried to  lead me in what she thought was best, but not  really sitting down and talking to her child to see what is best for you. What pathway do you want to go? How are we going to handle this? Prime example, when it came time to do  the college  application, I did that. But to fill out the FASA form, you have to have your um your parents’ information on there.

14:19

or you have to be emancipated and considered independent. She would not fill out the form. So it was more like what am I supposed to do? You don’t want to fill out the form. You’re already telling me you’re not filling out the form. So unless I’m getting a full ride to school, how is that difference supposed to be paid? What am I supposed to do? I can’t get a loan. can’t do anything. So these are what I’m telling you it’s like. So that’s why she was like suggest going into the military. Now.

14:46

28 years ago, military was different. They weren’t giving enough for the GI bill. $350 every semester. That can cover maybe 25 % of a community college. Exactly. That’s not enough for anything. So you see what I’m saying where I had no choice but to work. I had no choice but to figure it out because that’s how you left me. You just thought like, OK, this is it. You’re like you’re 18 now doing on.

15:15

No, I still need you.  So although she was there,  but she wasn’t there. It was like, okay, now you could go and do it on your own and figure it out. But I still need you.

15:29

So.

15:37

It is trauma, but they’re not the only ones, oh Kira.

15:59

Absolutely.

16:10

Very true. We try hard not to and you know it’s interesting to hear that it’s still going on  because my daughter just the other day she was like you know you and daddy do a lot for us but some of her friends  it doesn’t look like that for them. Not all of them but some of them  and I’m just like oh wow it’s so hard out here  and  you hear about some of these kids that don’t have the  best support.  It’s interesting. It’s interesting because my kids don’t pay for anything.

16:39

They literally work  and they can do whatever they want with their checks. We don’t ask them for their money. You know,  it might be something small here and there,  you know, but like they literally do whatever they need to do. So  to hear about kids  not having that ability  to be able to  get the support they need at 100%, it’s a little troubling and I can see why sometimes kids become unmotivated.

17:09

and discouraged.

17:14

Yeah.

17:30

Mm-hmm.

17:43

Oh yes.

18:06

Let me ask you.

20:24

Maybe I don’t like the word.

22:26

True. The one thing we haven’t done with our kids is we haven’t  have them  go through therapy, which is something I definitely would like to introduce now that they’re a bit older. I would like them to definitely have a few sessions. I think it’s good and we as the parents need to introduce it  so they can see that there’s no negative in that. Now, of course, Khalif and I have  and we were supposed to have a session with the kids, but it never happened.  So that’s one thing we need to introduce. Now to talk about the gentle parenting.

22:56

me, that word is very triggering. I don’t feel like a gentle parent.  No,  I like open communication. I think…

23:07

I don’t like gentle because I’m not gentle all the time.

23:32

Now when they were little we did spank when they were little we did spank But our spankings were more if they were gonna do things that were harmful  You know it wasn’t yeah, it wasn’t really serious beatings My daughter has never gotten a beating  my son got one  I think when he was 11 or 12  He got one by his father because he was talking back  And it was  like a repeat situation

24:00

So I think once or twice he’s gotten a beating. um The gentle parenting, so your explanation, I respect completely  because I do refrain from  trying to yell at them. There are moments where I have to take it up a notch  because you are not listening.  Yes.  I have to repeat myself over again,  so I have to take it up a notch.

24:27

But I try not to yell, but I will say what I have to say, especially with my son when we were in the dentist office the other day. Again, I had to  let him know the doctor was talking to him. His headphones was still in his ear. You need to remove those things out of your ear because someone’s speaking to you.  And you know, you could tell he didn’t want to be bothered and he was annoyed, but  I don’t care who’s around. I’m going to parent my child  because you know we see it on the plane.

24:54

It’s aggravating to me when parents  do not  have their kids take their headphones out. They don’t even take them out there themselves. So let alone, you know, they’re not going to tell their kids to do it.  And I saw for the first time in a very long time, very rarely doesn’t happen.  A mother,  she was ethnic, of course, but I don’t know what descent she was. So I’m not going to um assume anything right now. Hold that thought. I think these are the people. Hold on.

25:25

Hello. Hello, ma’am. Morning. How are you? I’m good. This is a delivery. Are you outside? Hey, sorry. I’ll be there in 15 minutes. 15 minutes. Okay. Yeah. I’ll let my daughter know she’s here with me. Okay. Thank you. You’re welcome.

25:46

The amusement never stop. Right. They’ll be here in 15 minutes. I’m gonna need you.

25:55

Jesus,  okay,  so  we were on the plane  and  Immediately what she did I spoke to her then I looked at the kids and she  She’s speaking to you. Do you hear her take those? I love it because this is exactly what I would do to my children  I’m a snapper. I’m a snapper and I’m quick to go like this like I’m a plucker in their nose, too That’s why I’m like get it together  So when I saw that I was like I was like, yes

26:23

someone is actually parenting.  And immediately the kids got it together. They took their headphones off because she said, take that off your ear and she’s speaking to you.  Once a year, I probably hear that. I don’t understand why these parents don’t parent. Like, why are you speaking for the child? Teenager who can speak for themselves or you don’t instruct them to get off the device, give her on contact, talk to her. She’s asking you something.  I.

26:51

love the fact that this mother did this because I don’t see it and this is what I want to see  but even though that word is triggering regardless if I guess we want to call it gentle pairing or open communication  it still ends up being the same thing because we really truly don’t beat our children.  Caliph does more of the yelling but I also think it’s not necessarily yelling he does.  Caliph being the man and he speaks in a louder tone

27:19

It always sounds like he’s yelling.

27:24

But  I’m the more  approachable one, as the kids will say. They will come to me and tell me  everything before they tell their father.

28:33

But you also hear what you just said. You’re also now you’ve created a safe space for this Zaire.  Our culture, our older generation would automatically assume that’s disrespect.  And immediately you don’t voice your opinion. You don’t share your thoughts. You don’t share your feelings  at all in this house. It’s a dictatorship situation.  Exactly.

29:09

Mm-hmm.

30:13

Exactly.

30:33

I don’t use it.

30:49

think it’s a negative term to use same thing  blood is thicker than water is the same thing to me  when the older generation would  say to young black females oh you got that nappy  Brillo hair

31:09

You already creating a destruction. Don’t tell my daughter she got nappy hair because now she got to go to school with Suzy who got nice straight hair and figure out how to deal with that because you telling her her hair is nappy. So I feel like those two words to me  go hand in hand negative terms that are being used and we don’t even realize that  and we need to remove that from our vocabulary  because if we would learn to speak.

31:36

life  into our young girls when it comes to their hair,  maybe they wouldn’t feel so negative about it because of what they’re seeing in society. Blood is not thicker than water because even though I may have a large family,  majority of my family’s in Haiti, I don’t have a real strong connection with them. And the ones that are here, I don’t have a real strong bond with them.  The strongest family connection that I have, I’m going to be honest with you, is Khalif’s family. That’s not even true blood.

32:05

So it’s really like blood is thicker than water that term really needs to be thrown out the window because it doesn’t apply to all.

32:19

Mm-hmm.

34:32

Exactly. I agree 100%. Now, permission and that’s a good point. I don’t think when the kids were little, I don’t know if I stress that a lot.  I always stress even now, when we are going to family events, you greet everyone, say hello to everyone, say hi to everyone.  It’s the respectful thing to do. ah

34:57

I’ve never stressed the giving, like now when they’re older, yes, we talk about it, but the permission part is new for me, Kira. I don’t think I stressed it when they were little.  And  I agree with that 100%. It’s not a bad thing.  Can you put her in?  Thank you.

35:17

You have a meeting in five minutes too. Jesus. I’m a  girl. telling you, I’m going to have to pitch one whole vibe in here.  You are OK.

35:31

I we could keep it, I think she could just cut it out. She’ll just cut it out completely once they’re outside. As soon as they’re outside, we’ll just pause. I’m going step away. It could continue, and she’ll cut it all out. Because sometimes, her and I were talking, and sometimes these little blurbs. are you the? Bloopers. I said, you know what? Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to see some of these things. So she’ll just cut it out.

36:01

It’s just chaotic.

36:18

Yeah.  Are they outside, Rye?  Oh.

36:23

Okay,  okay, thank you. Hold on real quick, my dear.

41:06

you

01:07:58

I’m back.  appreciate your patience.

01:08:06

Oh good. Was he okay? The dog.

01:08:23

I like how you say he trying to bust in here.

01:08:40

So let’s pick up  all set up and ready. It’s,  know.

01:08:50

Yeah, it was either that or it would have been tomorrow. If I went through Home Depot, was Tuesday. Lowe’s, fortunately, I’m lucky they had something next day. So we went with Lowe’s.

01:09:03

so we could get it done and out the way. And plus I’m flying, like tomorrow I leave,  I don’t come back till Thursday, I gotta be home, because it’s easier for me to be home.  So you know how it works. But anyway, it’s in, I’m happy, this is great.

01:09:19

All right, where were we at? What were you saying?

01:09:56

I’m gonna tell her to like add that in there. We have to figure out either we’re gonna add it when we actually do an episode of taking care of the elderly because it’s a great example out of the blue.

01:11:55

What do mean by that healing relationships?

01:12:02

Mm-hmm.

01:13:58

got it. I understand. You are.

01:15:20

Agreed, because we’ve covered boundaries in quite a few different episodes and a few different topics and a few different ways.  But I agree 100%. And also, we talked about  forgiveness.  It’s important to forgive, you’re never going to forget because it’s not like the matrix and you could just erase that memory.  You can’t do that. So you’re never going to forget, but it is important to forgive  and set some  healthy boundaries.  And healthy boundaries mean like,

01:15:50

It doesn’t mean you don’t  need to,  how can I say, like if they’re at family functions, you need to be negative towards them or any way, or form, but just know that that’s somebody that maybe you don’t have to hang. Yeah, yep.  Something as simple as that. Yep.

01:16:17

Yeah.

01:16:20

Exactly loving from a distance. That’s what I like to call it. So  those things are very important, especially with family  because  like you said  blood is thicker than water people like to say family over everything I’ve heard that but you know  because if you’re toxic I have to keep you at a distance.  I’m always pray for you and wish you well, but I can’t keep you within my inner circle because it’s not healthy for me  just like it doesn’t in the same role.

01:16:50

applies with friends.

01:17:18

No, not at all.  I don’t feel any resentment.  No, I feel like it is a learning opportunity for me because in my eyes,  we need to learn from mistakes and  we need to  not repeat unhealthy patterns.  So  I don’t resent my parents because my mentality is very similar to yours.  These two individuals did the best that they knew how to do with what was provided to them. em

01:17:46

There were and I probably didn’t make it any easier for them, especially me coming here. I was also a little  negative and hesitant towards them not wanting them to do things for me. So I played a role as well. Although I was a child and they were mature, so they should have  had some better handle on how to deal with that. They didn’t.  I probably should have went to counseling at five and six years old because of that  separation,  even though

01:18:13

in the Haitian culture and in many cultures, things like this is done. You don’t think that the child needs counseling, but you don’t realize you’re interrupting their pattern. That’s a huge shift in their life.  Not only that, you’re going from one country to another, language barriers, there’s a lot playing roles, there’s a lot of different dynamics happening here.

01:18:37

But not once did I enter counseling. The first time we went to counseling, the first time I actually had counseling was in 2013. So that should tell you, here I am trying to manage all my issues throughout life by myself because counseling was not discussed, counseling was not introduced. I was talking to someone who was actually of Moroccan descent, and she was like even in her family.

01:19:05

Her parents need counseling, but they don’t go because they’re not going to talk to somebody and share their business and do all that. And this is the culture of it.  So  no, I do not have any resentment because I’m logical in my thinking to know that they did what they did.  They did the best that they did with what they had.  Yeah,  I am just  creating better patterns.  I’m  I’m not afraid to stand up for  myself.

01:19:35

now because as I was growing up the minute I voice myself my mother would immediately categorize that as disrespect but us as parents we need to really sit down and think what exactly is disrespect and what exactly is someone voicing themselves because at the end of the day if you’re not allowing me to be opinionated just because you’re now you’re a parent

01:20:01

This role is not making any sense. don’t get me wrong. I tell my son all the time. I said, I don’t care if you’re 30 years old. I’m still going to correct you if they’re wrong. If I don’t hear you  using your manners out in public or if you’re doing anything disrespectful, I don’t care if you’re married with a child. I will take you to the side and said, I don’t like what you just did.  So I’m always going to voice myself in the most respectful way that I can. I’m never going to.

01:20:26

Embarrass my children because there’s a time and place for everything especially when he’s a grown man with his wife and children  I can’t just belittle him  But there’s always an appropriate approach for things where you can still parent in a healthy way You know one thing I always like to say I learned to voice myself, so  I curse a lot Anyone who knows me I do I curse I do curse I keep it at bay, but I do curse

01:20:55

You know, I’ll pop it out here and there. Now, Khalif has topped me big time.  Oh, big, huge.  But it doesn’t bother me at all, you know, um even though I tell my kids like your father curses more than a little bit. I said, you know, that means that somebody with little vocabulary. So I’d be cracking  so bad  because I’m like he could switch those words out with something else, you know, but usually with my friends, I curse not in a professional environment.

01:21:22

I’ve never cursed at my children. That’s uh a boundary I created.  So when his aunt.

01:21:33

Yeah, we have. We have. We try to refrain from doing it. So now we’re at a healthier space. So within the last few years, we really strongly refrain from doing it. In our younger years, shh, motherfucker, you fucking suck, you piece of shit.  So, yeah, now we definitely refrain from speaking to each other like that, because why? That’s toxic.  It’s toxic way of talking to your partner.

01:22:00

You know, and we try to use words of adoration, you know,  admiration, Words of  words of words of endearment. Yeah, words of endearment. We try to use, hey, babe, hey, baby, you know, stuff like that. So  when his aunt used to watch the kids, she she likes to curse, too. And I and I that was the first time I practiced some boundary. I would say,  Diane, please don’t curse at the kids.

01:22:25

You know, and  she followed suit. definitely, she was very firm with them and I love that about her. She was firm.  I love the kids being over there, but I said, please just don’t curse at them.  You know, they already have to hear their father.  So let’s just keep it at bay here. And it worked out great and she followed suit and it’s wonderful.  I still wanted her to be firm. Just remove the cursing.  Yeah.

01:23:00

You don’t know a lot?

01:23:10

Okay.

01:23:23

That’s good.

01:25:05

Mm-hmm.

01:25:26

She didn’t.

01:26:01

Is this your mom’s brother?

01:26:04

Okay.

01:26:57

Yep. Yeah. So, you know,  there’s a little things you can do to just cut  the generational curses from continuing. Now I know my kids curse.  I hear them. They don’t curse at mama. And they used to check me too if they heard me say something,  even if it wasn’t towards them. If I was on the phone with my friend and I’d be like, bitch,  mommy.

01:27:27

Yeah, so I used to like that. I’d be like, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Close your ears, close your ears.  So they would check me. But you know, I agree with a lot of the things you say. Probably I don’t use gentle parenting. I just don’t like the word,  but open communication. Yeah. Well, for me, you can call it gentle parenting.  You explained yourself, Kira, so I’m good.  Me, it’s.

01:27:56

It’s gentle parenting, but it’s no different from  us, who’s I just call it open communication. There’s open communication in our house. You know, open  meaning you’re not slamming doors,  but you can verbally  express yourself respectfully,  but no slamming doors, no stomping of the feet,  you know, uh there’s still  requirements allowed here.  you  absolutely. Yeah.

01:28:33

Yeah. In my mind, I feel and it’s interesting to hear what people say because in my mind, Kara, I also think if my words  don’t  allow you to give me respect, I don’t want you to fear me because I do feel like Khalifa and I was having this conversation fear.

01:28:57

Child and parent. I never want my children to fear me and I grew up with fear for my parents.  I do believe fear and respect is different. Although I do, believe fear and respect,  some people think they go hand in hand,  but I would rather have respect than fear.  I don’t want people to fear me, but it is important that you respect me because I feel like respect sits higher than fear.  I’ll give you an example of my childhood.

01:29:27

I feared my parents. Although I did respect them, but it was fear followed by respect. um And when I was younger, I would lie to them intentionally because at the end of the day, I didn’t like the consequences that were going to come to me.  I hated them. So I’d lie to them. So to me, that’s the reason why I feel like  I operated out of fear and then respect.

01:29:53

kind of followed because the lie then made it seem like they were respected, but you weren’t respected. was fearing you and I didn’t want to suffer the consequences  that were going to come to the table because my mother  definitely liked physical  violence. She was constantly, if she could hit slap, she’d do it in a minute. And this is the reason why I don’t. Sure, go ahead.  And this is the reason why to me.

01:30:19

Respect means that you’re not gonna lie to me. You’re gonna tell me the truth because you’re not gonna fear the consequences That’s gonna come prime example.  My daughter yesterday drove my car.  She scraped it on the bridge  She came home  Immediately no delay. She was crying. She was upset but to me  that is respect because I’ve already now created a comfortable environment  for you to come to me and tell me something

01:30:47

that you know that I’m not going to be happy about, but I have not created  fear.  That’s the difference where a lot of parents you’re creating fear. I don’t want you to fear me.  I have blood flowing through this body just like you do.  God provided me 18 years to do the best that I can for you. And then after that, you’re legally able to make decisions on your own without me, but you still are going to consult with me and talk to me,  you know?

01:31:17

So I don’t want you to ever feel like you fear me or I can’t go to my mom and talk to her about stuff, especially in this type of world we’re living in. If my daughter has any sexual questions, I always want her to come talk to me about it. Because if you can’t come talk to your parents, who else are you going to go to? Me, I had to lean on my gynecologist because I couldn’t have this open dialogue with my mother because I feared everything, everything.

01:31:46

was a consequence. Like I’ll give you another example. at 15, no 17, I had a abortion. I told her I’m gonna start taking birth control pills. This woman looked at me and said, for what? You’re still gonna continue to have sex?

01:32:06

to be kidding me. This is exactly what she said to me.  it’s yeah, it’s already done said and done. I made a choice on my own. So why would you say something to me like that? You know what I’m So

01:32:26

You see the type of stuff that’s being said and it’s like,  is what you’re saying to me even logical? This is an open opportunity. Here I am being open with you.  I’m being honest with you and you take that and you tell me something that is absolutely senseless. I ain’t telling you shit else. uh

01:33:03

because that’s what most children have about their parents. uh

01:33:11

It’s totally different.  Yeah.

01:33:29

Yeah, so and  it falls in different dynamics like parent and child respect is important for fear. Maybe if you’re in the mob,  you know, that’s a little different. You might want them to fear you  over respecting you because it’s an unsettling emotion. And the reason I brought it up is I had the conversation with Khalif about friendship and somebody  it was something that was owed to him  and Khalif  is

01:33:56

funny but he did tell me he was like I’d rather be feared but this is in his friendship dynamic in that situation  so the role can be changed but with my children you I want you to respect me not fear me because if you fear me you’re not going to be comfortable to come to me to tell me things

01:34:41

Yeah, no is it’s interesting. No is a complete sentence. But in the flight attendant industry,  we say no followed by us. Sorry. You know,  like we say no. Oh, in the flight attendant industry, I hear a lot of us say no followed by I’m sorry. And this is Yeah.

01:35:07

I don’t say it either, but I also had to be told because I caught myself doing it in the beginning when I started in the industry and another flight attendant said, you do know no is a complete sentence.  You offer them something else. What are you apologizing for? And I love the education that she provided me  because it was an eye opener for me. That’s why every day is a learning experience because when she said that I was like, well, what am I apologizing for? Prime example, if we’re not offering hot beverages because of

01:35:36

light turbulence, right? Some may I have a coffee? Coffee is not available. Can I provide you something else? That’s the example she gave me. You don’t say coffees, but a lot of us say that. And that’s a prime example is when you said no is a complete sentence. It is,  but a lot of us are raised to be like, that’s you don’t say that.

01:36:01

Mm-hmm.

01:36:06

Yeah,  know, apology needs to be genuine.

01:36:54

It is, you want like a one word?

01:37:28

So for Kaleef and I as a unit,  I would love for the kids, and  I do believe they feel this way now,  our parents love each other very much,  even when times are difficult.  They show  love towards each other because we do,  I think our kids have seen every emotion in this house,  anger,  sadness,  love, um respect and disrespect. They’ve seen it all.

01:37:57

in this house,  but through it all, the kids know our parents really loved each other. Like they were two people  that were ride or dies. ah That’s us as a unit.  Me as an individual,  I want, if I had to pick one word,  I would love my kids to be like, our mom was so understanding. Very understanding.  Understanding is simple,  but it just…

01:38:27

make sense for me  because I am understanding.  you know, I tell them, look, you can come to me about anything.  Don’t ever feel like you can’t speak to me. um Of course, as they get older in relationships, everything is not necessarily going to be my business, but they have to decide on that. whatever they can talk about, I’m here to listen. If all you want me to do is listen, I’ll listen. If you don’t want me to comment.

01:38:56

or give advice, I won’t.  But understanding, mom was understanding. And if I had to back it up by another word, she was definitely a badass. Because my kids know I’ll go, ah I’m a correct whoever I gotta correct even out in public.

01:39:15

you

01:39:18

uh Yeah, they know,  they don’t play. That’s it, simple, like just, you know, understanding and a badass.  What about you?

01:41:08

It’s nice to watch you go through these phases. You and my other friend have small kids.  And I’m just like,  oh, I can’t wait to hear the stories when they’re teenagers.

01:41:27

It’s coming, because he’s seven. I mean, like, you’re going to start seeing change, like, within the next few years. Yeah.

01:41:49

What he said, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. In the next five years, you’re going to see physical changes, a lot of physical changes with Zaire.

01:42:03

see is he hyper okay I do believe boys are always more hyper  but  I guess it changes once

01:42:19

hyperactive? Okay.  I don’t know if my son, I mean my son was very  active, but I wouldn’t categorize it as hyper. But as they get older,  it’s,  it changes. He’s,  you know, he’s more mature,  I guess. I mean, it’d get better.

01:43:34

You know it takes work, Kara. Very good talk.  It takes work and we’re trying and we’re still learning and evolving  every day  trying to break these curses and  you know the goal is like you said  I want my kids to make even better decisions than I made.  So until the next episode we appreciate you all for listening. Hopefully you enjoyed the segment and you take  any piece of nugget

01:44:01

that is a benefit for you and share your feedback and your thoughts. Tell us what you think about gentle parenting  or what do you call it? Because Kira did break it down  in her words of what she feels gentle parenting means to her.  Do you feel the same way? Is it something you don’t use? I call it open communication,  but it’s technically still the same. We still see it the same.  just it’s called differently.  But anyhow, have a good one. Enjoy your day till the next episode.