00:00

So me, am I a good listener? Definitely not. I hear everything you’re saying. I’m not gonna respond right off the bat with you. I’ll give it thought and everything else. And then I’ll come back to the table with it. If you want the good listener part. Not gonna respond right away because you don’t wanna act off a reaction. You wouldn’t be able to give it thought to take action. Welcome back to the Shirley Show.

00:23

I am your host Shirley.  Our discussions are going to be ranging from personal life experiences,  infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self-love, and so much more.  Let’s dive in, pull up a seat,  make sure you’re cozy,  and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn with me, your virtual girlfriend. Welcome back to another episode  of Shirley’s show. And today,

00:51

with my co-host, Kaleef, we’re going to be talking about submission. So I wanted to bring this topic up for two people who’ve been together for 28 years this year, who has been through some interesting trauma. And I’m gonna start off by saying, so submissive, being a submissive wife, what does that mean to me?

01:21

from a female perspective. So I was doing a little research here about submission.  And this is what I’m going to read both from the Bible because I don’t know all my scriptures by heart. I apologize. don’t, I haven’t memorized anything.  But what it says is wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to one another.

01:51

out of reverence for Christ. So  at 42 years old now,  when I think of submission, I don’t think of it as a negative. think when people think  about being submissive,  the word sounds a little negative. And I’ll explain, Kaleef, I know you looking at me with a crooked neck, but sometimes I have to step up if I feel like my man is leading us out to the sea to drown.

02:21

I’ll explain that part in a minute. I’m all about the man being the leader in the home,  but I’m also,  I also want my man to lead the family in a healthy way, both spiritually, emotionally, and also physically when it comes to interactions he have with his significant other and his children. So  being that

02:51

I can categorize myself as truly an alpha female. When I was younger, when Khalif and I first started, I was very submissive. I was actually submissive in an unhealthy way,  being the fact that  my pedestal  looked more like Khalif than myself, than God, which was  not a good order to be in because I literally, when we were younger, worshiped the ground you walked on.

03:20

And I think you  love that about me  because there was a major innocence that you appreciated. I was naive and I didn’t know any better. I didn’t really know what a healthy relationship looked like.  I didn’t really know that.  Even though  as a wife, you are supposed to be submissive, but that doesn’t mean you should not be heard because a good leader will allow his wife or his significant other, whatever role you.

03:49

play in that person’s life to speak up and voice themselves.  And a good leader also needs to know how to be a good listener and make  good sound decisions. Because just like you do at work, there’s a different between somebody who’s leading the team as somebody who’s just bossing the team around. And no one wants a dick of a boss or a bitch of a boss, know, someone who

04:18

is not going to get their hands dirty  or is a total hypocrite in  the words that they’re speaking. So I do feel like the same rule should apply in the home.

04:32

A lot of women seeing,  hearing the word submissive, they immediately think of a negative, but being submissive does not mean negative. Negative. It means a wife who’s going to follow the order of the husband, who is the leader of the home  and who’s going to lead the family. So  being submissive is not a bad thing.

04:59

and I’ll go into a little breakdown in a minute, so let me hear your perspective from a  male’s point of view. You’re not submissive. You give me shit all the time. That’s why I’m a Satan.

05:13

Um, nah, you basically, you based on the right page, you know, being submissive, me personally,  I can’t do that. You know, I can’t be submissive. Well, men aren’t usually  men are not usually submissive. So we’re talking about right now. Why has been submissive? Yes. That’s what I want you to, um,  uh,

05:38

to express your thoughts on about what does, when you think of a submissive wife, break that down to the listeners. And what does that mean to you when you think of submissive wife? Ain’t nobody saying you’re not even listening. A leader has to be a good listener, I was in my own world. I was hearing the motorcycle outside, so I was lost a little bit. I was listening to the bike. I was lost, I’m sorry. I apologize. I let you speak.

06:07

All right, cool. So what do I think about submissive wife with like it entails.

06:15

Keep me happy, keep the house clean, keep food on the table, and if we got kids, I mean, make sure the kids is good. You feel me? mean, the one thing that you told me that I actually stand by is like, you take care inside the house, I’ll take care outside the house. And I respect that. So at the end of the day,

06:35

of submissive woman, know, like, um, I don’t fucking know. Yeah, just, just do your due diligence and don’t give lip in my opinion. That’s all I, yeah. Yeah. Do your due diligence and don’t give lip like you just was before we start pressing record. I’m gonna tell these people about us. The bloopers that they don’t miss the fact that I said, Oh, you can share with them the fact that I said all three of y’all getting on my nerves.

07:04

How? I just woke up. How am I getting on your nerves and I just woke up because I come lay down? I still love y’all, but y’all really do get on my nerves. Because we live in our own bubble. What about, I asked her, did she want us to join her bubble? You know what mean? Like, she gonna get mad at me. So you said a comment about not giving lip. So you’re gonna have to break that down to the listeners because when people hear that, especially when a woman hears that, you choose to use that term of not give lip, what does that mean?

07:34

Calm down. right. Give it a lip. What I mean by that is like, just really don’t talk back. And I mean like a man deals with a lot outside the house to come home and hear his lady complaining.

07:52

and he only know what’s going on she can be complaining about anything is worth more.

08:00

They must be mad about anything. You ain’t even got to know about it. She won’t take it out on you just because you walked in while she was still mad. I’m gonna let you finish your first comment. You don’t? Yeah, I’m done. I’m done on that one. But I’ve been through them experiences. So I’m just telling them the truth about us. Like I can only talk about us. I can’t talk about nobody else. So yes, that’s true. So the question I have for you is you like to use the word complaining and nagging. And why do you feel as though that

08:31

It’s a complaint. Do you really see it as a complaint? And I’ll give you an example. So you made the comment about, take care of inside the home, you take care of outside the home. Gotcha. Inside the home, it’s all about a group collective effort. Like I told you in the kids. You didn’t tell me that. You said you take care of it.

08:52

It’s a group collective effort. Like I told the kids, I’m not anybody’s mate. I have two jobs, babe. I have a podcast that I’m running  and I have to also make time for myself, for my self care needs, for friends, which is that itself can be limited because I don’t see my friends  all the time as much as you do. I mean, I might see my friends once a month if even that.

09:19

You see your friends more than I do. And I also have to make time for you and also factoring time for the kids. So  when you talking about  not give me lip. Now I know you’d like to joke a lot, but you also, I want this to be educational for our listeners because it’s not just about a woman giving you lip because if someone is respectfully telling you something that can’t be lit. Like if I say, babe,

09:49

Can you please get your shoes  out of the living room? Not my job. No, I’m still, I do that. That’s not, that’s the problem. You consider that lit because I’ll have to tell you  over and over and over again. one time I put  a pair of your boots  on the front porch, you actually got upset and you said you didn’t want them to be cold. Yeah. So, I’m just using that. on the front porch in the winter time.

10:16

Okay. So I’m using that as an example, but she put my boots on the front porch and I went and said, who the fuck want to run out the house and put on cold boots? So I’m using that as an example. when you say in our relationship, give you lip,  what exactly does give you lip mean? Because if I’m taking care of the home to the best of my abilities and you know, I work and I’m not a stay at home wife. If I was a stay at home wife, I’ll make enough money.

10:46

I can totally understand, like this is my full-time job to make sure this house looks spectacular. But I’m gone two or three days out the week. And then I do work from home running a podcast. And like I said, everything else I have going on,  but.

11:07

Do you also believe that?

11:12

a woman being submissive doesn’t mean that she should be a slave to her family.  that’s- oh Yes, I agree with that. agree with that. You don’t need to be a slave to the family. You just need to be submissive to me. difference. Be submissive to me. Yeah. Well,  I- You gonna be submissive to the kids too? No. Well, no, I’m not submissive to the kids. That’s why you married them right submission  is towards you, not towards the children. actually- I’m not in a romantic relationship with the children.

11:42

let me tell you something, the kids ask you something, you can say no, but then you’re ahead,  oh, know what, I’m just go ahead and do it. And No, not necessarily. I can be hard on them. I know, but that’s what saying. You just say no, and then think about it and be like, all right, I’ll do it. That’s still being submissive, you get what I’m saying? Well, you can say that, but that’s not the same thing. I know. That’s been through the rules as a mom. Submission, I feel, in my perspective, towards two partners.

12:11

boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, I mean technically it’s husband and wife but  long committed relationships are like you like to say to your friends, my girl. You hating. My girl.  Got you as my wife, say all that shit, my lady. I know your speeches are random. Exactly, so stop fucking complaining. This what I’m talking about, Boom, we just found it. He’s so silly. But um.

12:34

Yeah.  So submission does not mean the wife has to be a slave to the house.  Okay. So respectfully, just to you. Yes. But what does that look like to you? Because you made it very broad. Take care of the house. If you got kids, take care of the kids, but let’s break it down to,  let’s say the wife is unhappy about something and she has to share something with you.

13:00

Are you truly like, based on our situation, are you really truly a good listener that’s going to look at the pros and cons of what she’s saying to you and factor into the fact like, this is my queen and she’s coming to me with an issue and this issue must be for real. Now we’re using us as an example. Yes. But we also need to educate our listeners so they can understand like, okay, let me look at submission from a different perspective. me, am I a good listener?

13:30

I hear everything you’re I’m not gonna respond right off the bat with you. I’ll give it thought and everything else and then I’ll come back to the table with it. If you want the good listener part. Not gonna respond right away because you don’t wanna.

13:45

Damn, how can I work it? I just say, I literally just told somebody this, bro.

13:51

You don’t wanna act off a reaction. You wouldn’t be able to give it thought to take action. Damn, that’s a better way of putting it. Nah, it’s just crazy, because I literally just had a phone call with somebody and I’m like, bro, hold. You I mean? Not the old person no more. You know I mean? You as your old self, you’ll react and cause your own consequences compared to sitting here thinking about it and then taking the action.

14:18

and the proper steps to sit here and know how to like level everything out. Okay. Okay. They was asking you, I guess, advice about the relationship. Man, I knew the relationship.  Oh, was just completely different. Completely different, but it applies to what we’re talking about now. Gotcha.

14:38

Before I answer, why do you feel as though a lot of women are scared to submit or when they hear the word, they immediately start putting a wall up or feel like I’m not gonna submit to you, I’m independent or I don’t need you to lead me. Why do you suspect women feel that way from a male perspective and all? There wasn’t raised properly enough,  respectfully. I don’t give a how you put it, was the-  That’s it?

15:05

Girl, you almost had me triggered. was about to, ooh, this podcast about to turn into a comedy Okay, want you to share your true feelings. Nah, seriously, women that think that way wasn’t raised properly, you know what mean? When they came from a broken home, whatever the case may be, or they went with how society sees this music, let’s just put it as the music right now. You know what I mean? They want to just talk about it, they want to think about it as money, how to get somebody’s pockets and everything else like that. But when it comes time to being a lady, I don’t think a lot of them still got it in them.

15:35

For real, it’d be hard if you tell them to boil the leg. For real, like he’s women today, I  mean, if you don’t, and don’t talk about that, some of these females out here don’t even got standards. You looking- Why do you believe that? So you believe childhood plays a huge role and they don’t have standards, but if childhood plays a huge role  and maybe they did not have that, because that’s where it truly starts.

16:05

It’s for the children, the visual they see when they’re little.  know, of course, if it’s a single family home, that’s something the child has no control of. Or if it’s a father, maybe that wasn’t present, that was there, but wasn’t present, it’s hard. And then when you say that, you know,  how do you feel about your daughter? She cool.

16:28

But both your daughters, both of them are raised in different homes though. I can’t speak about the other one. It’s hard to get it. It’s hard to actually go see that child. That’s the craziest part about it. Does that affect you based on what you like saying about, you know, Respectfully speaking, right, we’re going to take our oldest for instance, right? Her upbringing is a little bit more easy because she’s coming from a full home mom and dad in the house, you know. My other daughter,

16:56

as much as I wanna be in a life is just a headache. I really say this for a reason,  know  I mean? But anyway,  even if I was in her life, as much as I’m in my daughter’s life, I still feel as though there will be a little bit of an offset on the upbringing due to the fact that I’m not like fully living there and everything else like that to mold her to actually become a woman and teach her the things that.

17:24

she should look out for in a man and what a man is supposed to do for her and stuff like that. So that’s gonna be the big difference. She has a male figure around, she has three male figures around, technically speaking, as far as I know, don’t care about the other part, but as far as I know, three male figures. So they can only do so much, but a father can do way more because it’s what he wants his daughter to be and present it.

17:53

when she gets older and know what to look for. Okay. All right. I respect that. For me.

18:01

I do believe upbringing plays a huge role.  If I had to use my upbringing as an example, I was in a household where both of my parents were present,  but for me, I still believe even if both parents are present, it can still be toxic because

18:29

I was in the household, both of my parents were present and being that, you know, I do come from a Haitian background, which doesn’t mean anything because there are some Haitians that are affectionate. One thing I never saw in our household was true affection between my parents as though like PDA was something they couldn’t show the kids. And I do believe that is important. So the kids can both hear and see.

18:57

that the parents do love each other because it’s easy for kids to really see when there is friction going on in our house. Our two children are perfect examples. They knew when something was off with us, they can hear it or they can see it. They knew like something was off with mom, something was off with dad and children see that. So from my upbringing, even though I did have both parents present,

19:25

It was just strange for me. So I do agree with Kaleef that it does start young. Now I don’t use that as a crutch as why I can’t make stable and sound decisions as an adult because I do know right from wrong. But I also do believe that a lot of the young men out here,  their mindset is very childish, especially when it comes to,  you know, influence, obviously through the music.

19:55

and just societal influences through the young men out here. And that’s another reason that makes it very hard on young ladies to immediately submit. And then when women think about submission, what am I submitting to? Because where are you leading me down? Is your faith strong? Financially, what is the goal here when we think of submission? Because submission also for some people,

20:22

They might think the man needs to take care of everything financially. But if that’s not the financial setup and if one, if the man can’t do that, then the woman has to step up. So I think even when we think of submission from, if we break it down for emotional, physical, financial and spiritual, everyone’s going to see it from a different perspective. I know a lot of women wants a man of God, a man that believes in something, you know,

20:52

Who  are you led by? What are your beliefs? So for me, women have a hard time submitting because the men are not presenting themselves strong enough. Childhood does play a huge role and I agree with you on that, but a lot of these men out here are weak. Even their approach to the women or how they’re making the woman feel immediately, you know, it’s about sex. It’s not about getting to know you or

21:19

Are we going to have a future together? Most men for the most part are not clear in their dating and what they want because if really truly sex is all you want, why don’t you clarify that to the woman and don’t waste your time or her time? Because if you truly are  dating or courtship, whatever title you want to give it, there should be a long  end result to that. It shouldn’t just be dating forever.

21:49

Because what are we doing here? So I do believe this is one of the big reasons why women are scared to submit because men are weak and they’re not leading properly.

22:00

I mean, just take the scope of some of your friends. If you sit back and you people watch some of your friends and how your friends might lead, or if you want to use yourself as an example, do you really feel as though these men are strong leaders? Some of them, not all men. Of course, all men does not fall in this category. not saying his name, but one of my boys, man, that nigga’s a fucking bum. Bitch, I can say, I’ll tell that bitch ass nigga, I don’t give a fuck.

22:26

Yeah, um, yeah, he’s definitely not a leader.  Um, you know what it is, right? So

22:35

because we’re talking about submission, then we’re talking about leadership, everything like that, right? um

22:41

A man actually needs to sit here and know what he wants. You feel me? So the mind games are stopped. Basically speaking, basically speaking, because all you’re gonna do is really just play games if you can’t have yourself figured out, you know? Like niggas was like, got a stand up from the streets. I’m in the hood, you know? And a lot of them like,

23:09

They had kids just to have kids type shit. You feel me? Fuck it, I’m still out here. You know what mean? Take me for prime example, you know I mean? Have my kids and it’s like, oh bitch, I gotta be there for them now.

23:22

When I first, when I was out there, you know, just ripping around and doing my thing in life, I really didn’t give a fuck about nothing. I swear on everything I did. You know, I just didn’t care. And like, I didn’t have no goal. You feel me? I didn’t have no goal in life because the way I was moving, I didn’t plan on saying 21. You what mean? My niggas, one of my niggas died literally the day we graduated. And I told him I’ll be back in 20 minutes.

23:49

So I knew how my path in my life was really going. So I didn’t have no real goal. And then I had my kids and my goal was to be there for them. So if you ask me, what’s my goal in life? To make sure I’m always there for my kids. And now uh my lady, my wife, my boo, my bae, I’m gonna say so many motherfucking things just to piss you the fuck off. But seriously though, like that’s my goal. My goal is to be there for my family. What’s mine? You know, that’s me.

24:21

I don’t know about y’all out there in that world, but  I feel as though like a lot of people need to step up, know what they want, pursue it, attack it full force. And once they got it, just hold it. Simple.

24:42

Now, when I broke down the, that’s  the part, the leader part and just the different perspectives,  do you think, what do you think a woman, if she’s submitting, since you do have two daughters from a male perspective, what would you  want  a man to bring to your, to the table for your daughters to submit to them?

25:12

You know, when that time comes, being a man, being a real being a real being a real man. But break that down for us. Like what what what type of question you ask them like, you know, are you spiritual? I’m going to take care of How was this going? Let me you now, because let me tell you something. When I look when I look at a person. Already see what it is. And I mean, like her last boyfriend, you can be army boy. Right. His brother got a bond. You feel me? But.

25:43

And that age that they’re in, that’s the mind game age, you feel me? I mean, that’s what women are more mature than men at that young age. You feel me? Because women already know what they want. Men are just, you know what mean? It’s like a squirrel getting a nut. They’re gonna keep on chasing another one. You know what I mean? But um.

26:02

As much as he wants. As much as he wanted to sit here and.

26:09

be that comfort for her and everything else like that. His mind was not mature enough to accept the comfort that she wanted.

26:18

And what do you mean by that? you, we use our child as an example. he was, was still, he was still young. He wanted to explore more. You know what mean? His mind wasn’t ready to basically.

26:32

take his 17 year old lifestyle, but really look at it as if he was 35. know, he like, you know, some people in life, they actually already distilled stuff in their self where they’re already playing the head because they already know what they want. They already got their goal and everything else like that. But when you’re out here, you know what mean? In the urban environment, there’s really no pursuit of anything until you financially get all the

27:03

How would I say like ripping and running out of your body? That’s true. I agree with that, but you also have to, I mean, look at it from this perspective too, using us as an example. At 17 and 18, a child’s mind is so young and relationships are not taught. They’re watched. They don’t teach it in school at all. So they only see what is presented to them in the home or what they see through movies.

27:33

So at 17 and 18, a child truly doesn’t even know what they want when it comes to a relationship, what they need. They might hear, you know, the, he needs to take care of me. He needs to pay all my bills. But let’s be realistic about that. Financially, if she ends up making more, that’s not going to be realistically possible. But if he’s great in other ways,

28:00

That doesn’t mean that you need to dropkick him and let him go because he can’t pay every single bill in the house. It is hard out here. And literally that is understandable. mean, generally speaking,  a real man, think if they can truly pay all the bills, they would have no problem doing that. But we live in a time where that’s not realistic anymore. But if you go on Instagram,

28:26

Facebook and a few other things. This is what you hear that the man needs to be able to pay  all the bills. And if he can’t, you need to keep them to the curb and find another one. But also, I also believe even women needs to come to the table with some standards as well. And when I say come to the table, I’ve heard people also say, well, she doesn’t need to bring anything to the table.  All she needs is to just be present.

28:55

For me, when I hear  what you’re going to bring to the table, I think it should be a mutual  share at the table. And that’s why when we talked about  our last, one of our podcasts, we was talking about  discussions you should have when you’re interested in starting a relationship. And when it comes to a woman submitting and a man leading, this is the reason why these conversations are important when it comes to money.

29:25

when it comes to spiritual, it comes to intimacy, when it comes to physicality of, you know, everything that involves in a relationship. I also, just to go off of what you was just talking about, about his mind was still young. I believe what you’re saying because a man mind is still young at that age, but these kids don’t know what they want. They don’t know what they want. And unless as adults, we…

29:53

We nourish them, we teach them, we educate them, and we visually show them what they should want. They have no idea.  When I talk to our daughter, she has no idea what she wants. When I said, what are you looking for in a relationship? She doesn’t know.  She gives me bland answers like, I want them to treat me good. What does that mean?  In hard times. She don’t want to talk to you about that. I know, they don’t. They never want to talk to us about this stuff. But  us who’ve been through stuff.

30:22

What does that really mean? Because a true relationship, you know, is going to be tested when the tide gets rough. So  this is why it’s so hard when they’re young and they hear submissive, especially our daughter, she doesn’t even understand the true meaning of that word submissive because in her mind, she just thinks I want to be independent and that’s fine. She wants to be independent, but as women, no, she just want to chase the bag. That’s all she wants to do.

30:50

That’s all she’s She ain’t worried about nothing but money money is her primary goal But she’s another example of when I think like okay money is your primary goal. So that means Money was my primary goal, but babe, I didn’t meet a rich individual You had a straight nigga. That’s a true man. Exactly. So even though money was my primary goal I didn’t enter in the relationship immediately thinking like oh he need to pay all my bills. That was my mindset

31:20

But I also my childhood because why I have a mother that made it seem like at times my father was worthless and what he brought to the table didn’t mean anything to her. So that was the also some of the damage I brought into our relationship, which  hurt us a lot. This nigga finally want to admit it. I swear I’m  admitted.  And then we’re going to talk about the trauma of you and your mom.

31:49

Yeah, but I got nothing to do with me. That’s It does have something to do with you. It does affect you in a very small way. It does. I dropped some cigarettes off to her too. It does. It does affect you in a small way, but either way. Well, that’s about baby. She ain’t knowing though. You still love her and what she asked for, the little things she asked for, you need to bring her. But what she was saying about his young mind, I believe that, but you have to also agree, these kids don’t know anything. They don’t know. They have no idea what they want.

32:17

So that’s why when I was asking you when that day does come and she presents somebody to us that she wants to have a future I’m gonna see. I wanna know. then if he’s gonna be worried for my conversation, I’ll my conversation. But other than that, if I look at him and I don’t like how he, you’re not getting the conversation from him. Yeah. But see the crazy part about it is I won’t let my daughter know that because the crazy part about it is like, when you tell your child like, oh, that person’s not for you, whatever it can be,

32:46

You know, they actually try harder to be with that first thing and that’s what that’s when it becomes crazy. Yeah, it’s it’s  it’s it’s the delivery. But I can’t say that because you my mom did not like you and I didn’t try harder. She didn’t even want to give you a chance. Now, I know your mom don’t like me in general, so it don’t even matter. know she’ll say she’ll say she’ll love you. you your mom loves me. I can give you that much. She loves me, but she don’t like you. She don’t like me. She wasn’t happy about the choice I made.

33:14

She loves me.  So I don’t think I worked harder because she  didn’t like you. I knew what I wanted and that’s what I wanted. Of course we all have.  Of course we have other options. But that’s what I wanted. So, okay.  Anything else? Yeah, maybe we ain’t done.

33:41

We’re literally going to have a whole hour conversation about  submissive. Yes, because we have to educate our listeners. We are two people that’s been together for 28 years that have experienced some trauma, some joys and people want to know how did we survive? How did y’all make it through? Shirley, are you willing to be submissive? Now, if a woman approaches me and say, why would you be submissive to a man that cheated on you?

34:10

What would you expect my response to be?

34:15

I don’t know think about it. I’m gonna give you a little minute you know size the size of love you have for me besides everything that we’re already been through well the things that we’ve been through numbing um I’ll give you my answer. Yeah, you don’t know then I really want to hear if a man approaches you and say well my dog didn’t she cheat on you, too I want to what you would wait I Want to hear what you would say so I’ve had that many times women have asked me Why you still with him?

34:44

He cheated on you, not necessarily towards the submissive part of it, but more like why would you stay with somebody that cheated?  one of the reasons I did it, number one, two wrongs don’t make a right. So I was in also a wrong too. Kalief and I both have been victim and perpetrators, each other roles have been reversed.

35:08

um One, I had to really do a lot of self-thinking. For those of you who know me, you know I’m an over-thinker. So I’m breaking everything down. I’m processing. I’m looking at long-term and short-term. That’s one. Two, I also had to put myself in a hypothetical single situation, and I had to put myself in a hypothetical situation if I was with somebody else.

35:38

So all these scenarios are playing out in my head. We all know now that’s two. And last, the third reason is I also had to consider my family in this situation. By this time we already had two children. So  I had to look at my family perspective because it wasn’t just me and Khalif. I had two children and I had to also consider all these factors as well. But I

36:07

Also had to make a decision that is this individual truly remorseful for what he did? You know, um I asked Khalif that many times. We also went to counseling.  I had to understand the amount of effort he was willing to put in to try to turn things around because when somebody destroys your trust, it takes a lot.

36:36

to rebuild that trust again.  So.

36:42

In a nutshell, the reason that Khalif and I are still together is  not just because of the love I have for him, is because Khalif is truly my person. And even through the downfall of the things that we’ve been through, I still see light at the end of the tunnel for us. And it wasn’t a situation that I felt

37:11

Even though in the moment I’ll say I’m human and I wanted to literally stab him, hurt him in any way that I can. So even me talking right now, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel, but I had to process everything. And I had to realize that I couldn’t make decisions  based off of my emotional state. Because when you’re going through trauma, you’re experiencing anger, you’re experiencing happy times, you’re experiencing grief.

37:41

And I think there’s two other ones that I’m missing, but you’re going through all these emotions sadness and I had to make sure I was making decisions  based on sound judgment  one thing I can definitely tell you in the situation that you we were in that was both a  Benefit and a negative it was a benefit that I was able to be a way for work  That separation was necessary for Khalif, but it was also a fear because I’m like

38:11

Ugh, it’s an open door of opportunity for him to do things he’s probably not supposed to do, which doesn’t make a difference if I was local. But that was my reason. That was my justification. I wanted your response. Don’t want my response to you, Joan? No, my response, your response when if a guy comes to you and say, well, your girl cheated too, why are you still with her? Because that was the question because women get this question often. Well, see, damn, that’s it.

38:39

Like when you talk about it like that, it’s almost some shit like, that’s crazy. Well, it all falls in the line of being submissive in a leader because you have to understand uh it’s not the great times that make a relationship. women that have actually got true leaders or ain’t got a paid bill now, still cheap. Well, everybody cheap. be miserable.  Not necessarily.  Misery  doesn’t have anything to do with submission, babe.

39:06

Misery has to do with the fact that you’re generally not happy with the person that you’re with. And instead of being adults about it and separating amicably, you just sit in misery. Misery has nothing to do with being a submissive wife or being a stay at home wife. Cheating has nothing to do with that because cheating typically happens the other place where you’re at, which is work. All right, cool. But um, was going to ask me why I stayed.

39:34

when your lady cheated, you know what mean? Like, that’s a little question I never had. um. Your friends don’t challenge you? Fuck me, I don’t think there’s no challenge. They say I’m crazy. That’s interesting. My friends would ask me things left, right, left. Even things to make me think. Only thing I got was, what was you thinking of? I don’t know. Well, I have to tell you a story about that. You know, our boy 12. Yeah. Rest in peace. is hysterical.

40:04

when you say what was you thinking of? Am I still talking or is it? I have to tell you the story. Cause 12, you know 12 love me. Everybody does. I was sitting on the couch with the baby. said.

40:24

When was you pregnant?

40:27

I said, two of this Calif, baby.

40:31

That dumb motherfucker. Wait till I think. I know he probably never talked to you and he just literally kept it moving. He ain’t say nothing. I was just like, what? Like he just stopped in his tracks. Like when was you pregnant? Who that? You babysitting now? Oh yeah. I miss my guy, man. Rest in peace, 12. Yo, he was so funny when he was like, yeah, that just made me think of 12 because 12 was.

41:00

12 was funny as I don’t know. Everybody loved me, Uncle Bade, man, all them loved him, man. Man, we all gonna bring your boy 12 up. But yeah, I never, don’t speak, I never got the question, you know, so, but if it was you cheating on me, and why did I stay, you what I mean?

41:21

If you cheated on me, not cheating, cheated, difference. One time, all right, cool. We can work on that, you feel me? But bitch, if you become a multiple offense bitch, oh no, you gotta go. More of a headache, you know what mean? Some things like, it depends on how much of a man are you, you know I mean? Are you willing to accept the same thing you dish out? In my opinion, are you willing to accept the same thing that you dish out?

41:50

So when you had your little infidelity moment, in my head, you know what I said? I deserved it. Literally. Yeah, but two wrongs don’t make a right. I know, but I’m just saying, you know what mean? In my head, that’s what I said to myself. I deserved it. I wasn’t no fucking saint. You know I mean? So when it came to like, I deserve it. is what it is. Move on with it.

42:16

That’s it. Literally.

42:20

I don’t have nothing to say about that one. Does everybody think everybody sees things differently? Well, everybody moves things different, but they move different. mean, my thing is about relationships is it’s the trying times that you have to withstand because relationships are great. And I remember people used to say relationships are so easy, but we make them hard, which is true.

42:51

As individuals, we do make them hard, but relationships are not easy.  Nothing in life that is rewarding is easy. That’s like going to school to get an education. Who wants tests? Who wants to do homework? So for people to say like, relationships are easy, we make it hard. We do make it hard, but we’re human beings with  emotions on a daily basis, sad, angry, happy, um grief. So  you have to know how to combat those

43:20

emotions with the person that you’re sharing your life with. And when times get hard,  that’s when you know,  are we here for the long run? That’s the  battle, that’s the hard part. So that’s why I really wanted to talk about submission today  based on our history, based on  both me being an alpha female, you being an alpha male, and both with leadership mindsets.

43:50

Is it difficult to be submissive? It’s not.  For me, it’s only difficult to be submissive when I feel as though my king is not  leading in a healthy way. And then  I do have to put my crown on and

44:16

I  you can say I’m never gonna step in front of you, but we have to be side by side. It’s never going to be like a competition type of thing. But  for me as a leader, if I have to put it in literal terms, the king is here and I’m literally standing right behind you. But I feel like there are times where if I don’t like the leadership that you’re giving us, I have to stand right next to to bring it up to corrections and then.

44:45

take a step back. So that’s what I think when I think of leadership and it’s not a bad thing in a relationship for us. So those women who believe like I’m not submissive, I’m not being submissive to anybody or I’m not going to do that. That’s not my thing. I’m independent. I don’t need nobody to take care of me or tell me what to do. It’s not about somebody telling you what to do or take care of you because like I stated before, a true individual King.

45:15

no matter how independent his female is, he won’t know how to lead you and you are going to have no issues submitting. But when the man does not know how to lead and handle his woman, that’s when he’s going to run into situations. That’s when he won’t get walked all over. Not necessarily. Crazy as hell. Absolutely not, baby. I don’t agree with Crazy as hell. Listen, right? I don’t agree So a friend of mine, right? A friend of mine, right? Female friend. She literally said,

45:45

Um.

45:49

Well, she was in this one relationship, whatever the case may be.  And she basically had somebody that was taking charge, you know, and doing everything that he could to make sure she was good type stuff, you know? And, um…

46:06

She basically told me like she wasn’t used to that. I’m like, what do mean you’re not used to that? She’s like, well,  know, everybody I dealt with before him, you know,  I basically was the one taking charge doing this and doing that. I said, oh, so now that you done met your match, you don’t know how to respond to it. I said, well, look, just sit in that passenger seat and let him take the wheel. When you feel as though it’s wrong, speak on it.

46:33

She did it until she couldn’t do it anymore. Because his leadership basically was too possessive, I wanna say. If that was the way she broke it down to me, like, yeah, she loved the man with everything, cold hearted, you know what mean? But he was too possessive and trying to be too controlling.

46:58

because of her past  of basically being  the leader in her previous relationship and now coming into another relationship and she’s not that leader. She didn’t know how to do it, but she was trying to adapt as best as possible until she couldn’t take it no more because  the individual that she was dealing with was more controlling than  understanding. Okay. I mean, I hear you on that. It’s hard when you don’t hear the two sides.

47:28

because you don’t want someone that’s going to be controlling you. But controlling can be a very loose word because it depends on controlling and what aspect did he,  was he commenting on every single thing? Because one thing I learned from when we went to counseling is it’s about strong points too.  That I don’t know. You know what I’m saying? It’s about strong points. Like em he had made the comment about if she,

47:54

is good at maybe organizing or scheduling. Let her lead in that aspect and you take a step back because leadership and submission doesn’t mean that you control in the person you tell them what to do. Like in our relationship, you tell me how much are the bills for this month, babe? And I pay them. And you know, it’s not about like, it’s about working as a team.

48:23

And when we can take those negative things out of our minds when it comes to, and we still both struggle with that because I ain’t gonna sit here and lie and say there are things Khalif may tell me that I’m like, I don’t wanna do that. That don’t even sound right. But sometimes I gotta take a step back. Like remember when I wanted to do that one job about you do and you go into the different apartments and you playing the role and I had sent that to you.

48:49

And you know me, I’m always trying to dabble into different things. And you were like, no, don’t do it. You understand? I could immediately insinuate, oh, Khalif trying to control me. And he told me I shouldn’t do it. You understand what I’m saying? So when people like, you exactly my point, but I could have easily turned that into a negative. You’d be stupid to do so. But I get what you’re saying. But do you understand what I’m saying? I could have took that moment.

49:17

instead of it being a teaching moment and say, know what, Shirley, step  back.  There was one situation where like, cause you know, you always got multiple avenues of working. And there was one situation where you basically brought to my attention. like, babe, don’t do that. And you’re like,  I’m gonna do it. And you did it and come to find out it was a whole scam the whole time. Yeah. When I started questioning you about certain stuff, I’m like, oh no babe, shut that shit down. Yeah.

49:46

And I’m coming to find out it was a whole scam the whole time. You know I mean? Like, and that’s the whole thing. That’s why don’t be off, I don’t be off there jumping around doing all this and doing all that because like, I’m trying, just because of my background, I literally have trust issues because of my background. You know I mean? One minute they’re to smile, the next they’re going to talk behind your back. And it’ll put you in a situation. So that’s why I I analyze things as soon as they’re brought to my attention.

50:15

It might take me a couple of days to process it, whatever the case may be, because I got so much going on. But once I’m sitting down, I have time to myself and get like portions of thoughts together and see how I got to analyze and everything else like that. Yeah, it doesn’t. Nah, that ain’t for you, baby. I mean, that’s how I literally live myself. Yeah. So to end this episode today, episode today,  leadership and submissive.

50:44

is a positive thing in a relationship and it should be done, but it should be done with respect for each party. Discussions need to be had because a woman really needs to understand what she’s submitting to. I can tell you from a female perspective,  I’m not just going to say, I’m submitting to you  and  you nowhere near on a level playing field and you all over the place or

51:13

God forbid, I don’t know, you don’t have employment. I don’t know. But if you are thinking about having a relationship with somebody,  men,  make it clear so your woman really truly understands what she’s submitting to because women don’t have a problem submitting, but it needs to be a clear understanding  of  what type of leader are you when it comes to spiritual, when it comes to financial, emotional, physical.

51:42

She needs to trust that you’re leading these four categories in a healthy way. Because if you’re not, then you’re gonna run into issues. And remember too, that a good leader, it doesn’t matter how independent a woman may come off or how much she voice herself or alpha female or you can’t tell her nothing. A woman will listen to a good man.

52:10

if he knows what he’s talking about. A woman will listen to a good man. So let’s not put a negative connotation on those words because they’re good things. They’re good things.  And, you know,  it should be present in the relationship. It should be, well,  my hierarchy changed because now it’s God, myself, you, God, myself, you, and then the kids.

52:41

And the reason that the kids is less, I learned this is because… There ain’t no this. As they get older, they’re gonna go out and start their own family and do their own things and it’s gonna revolt right back to us. Uh huh. Oh yes. But we gonna have hella grandbabies running around if possible. If they want them, I don’t even know what them two want. I hope they don’t wait to have grandkids when we’re 80. Jesus. We hope they will help.

53:08

You hope they don’t have grandkids at 80 mean kids when we’re 80  Like I hope they have grandkids when we’re in a healthy even I’ll be even happy when we’re  cool me You know what I’m saying? Look whoop that child ass Jesus you’re gonna whoop your grandkids as you’re not even gonna have an energy to whoop anybody’s butt cuz you’re gonna be happy to see your grandbabies for that. Oh Okay guys, so the next session have a good one

53:34

Thank you for tuning into the show. you want to continue the conversation or share your takeaways,  head on over to the website or join us on social media.  I want to hear from you.  Don’t forget to rate and subscribe to the podcast so you  never miss an episode.  Chat with you soon.