00:00
Why do you think so many people struggle with vulnerability in their relationship? Because the man is always trying to be the man and not see the sensitive side of a woman and a woman is always trying to be a woman and not see the masculinity side of a man. Welcome back to The Sherley Show. I am your host Sherley. Our discussions are going to be ranging from personal life experiences, infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self-love, and so much more. Let’s dive in, pull up a seat.

00:30
Make sure you’re cozy and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn with me, your virtual girlfriend. Welcome back to another episode of Sherley’s show. In this episode, the topic of discussion is going to be about intimacy and 50 50 and a relationship. Now, intimacy is broken down into four parts. You have emotional, physical,

01:00
mental and spiritual. So to break down each part with emotional, emotional focuses on shared feelings without fear, being vulnerable, feel under state, understood and supported physical intimacy is simple, obviously holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and you know, sexual intimacy falls under that as well. Then you have mental intimacy, which where you guys are sharing your goals, your dreams, your plans for the future.

01:30
And then of course, spiritual intimacy focuses on praying together, sharing values, connecting. So each category, we’re going to softly discuss them. And also we’re going to intertwine what 50 50 really looks like in the relationship. And we did an episode about this before I wanted to touch base on it again, because it’s an important topic. Um, even me myself,

02:00
before I was in a relationship, I really kind of thought 50 50 really meant 50 50, but 50 50 is not really literally 50 50. Sometimes it’s 80 20, sometimes it’s 70 30. Sometimes one person’s giving literally 99 % why the other one is putting out 1%. So I wanted to touch base on that and most likely we will probably touch base on it again. So people understand that

02:29
as long as it equals to a hundred percent that all that matters. So the first thing we’re going to look at is a few questions before I break anything up. So the first question is, babe, I’m going to ask you when you think of intimacy in a relationship, what comes to mind first?

02:50
being nasty sex sex yeah basically um role-playing foreplay sex ah physical touch oh

03:06
eye gazing, you know, it’s, it’s, that’s a broad network. It really is a broad network. Okay. So since we immediately jumped to physical intimacy and we did talk about this last time, but of course we have to rerecord that episode. So last time we agreed that it’s fair on average with people in their busy lives twice a week is

03:36
Realistic. Do you still agree with that?

03:44
No, I don’t. That’s why the long falls. I don’t. But it’s acceptable. You know what mean? Try and get it out as much as you can. But sometimes that’s not always easy. It helps with man’s prostate. True. But you take my job, for example, when I have a two or three day trip and I’m not here. based on someone’s Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. I mean, but that’s when you can have phone sex and shit like that. You know what mean? But OK. eh

04:12
So twice in week is, is, is fair. It’s reasonable. And you know why I bring it up. Let me tell you, this is not the intimacy we doing right now. is very important physical touch because I was watching an episode of here. Yeah. I was watching an episode on TV and here and I are going to be touching on this because it was a very interesting episode. But one thing that

04:40
was interesting to hear this woman say within two and a half years from the time she was interviewing with the police, she said they only had sex five times. Now in my mind, I’m like, if you didn’t think after a year that that was a red flag, and this is why relationships go down the hill in two and a half years, you only slept with your husband five times. Now either he or she is getting it from somewhere else.

05:06
Or you two are the small town because you know small towns they buy a lot of sex toys. Well, they make the most money in small towns. The problem is the episode he was basically a pedophile.

05:19
So he was a pedophile. That’s the reason. Yeah. He was a pedophile. he had other issues going on, but you know, even that red flag of two and a half years, you only sleep with your husband five times. So that means that’s two and a half each year that you guys have slept together in 365 days. It’s important that when we talk about physical intimacy, even though I know Khalif brought the sex up, which is very important right away,

05:46
But there are other means and ways that you guys can show physical attraction. Not holding hands. I’m definitely not, I’m not cuddling at all. That is not for me. I will hug you. You cuddle. Yeah. When you cold, you cuddle. I warm you up. Yeah. When you cold, I warm you up. And you do hold my hand. And you know what happens after that. It always leads to full intercourse. Exactly. uh

06:13
So the next question that I have for you is why do you believe intimacy is more than just physical connection? I don’t. Yes, you do. I don’t. Yes, you do. Because you’ll go out of your way to eat to like emotionally or I say emotionally or mentally to do things like remember when I tell you like, maybe I just don’t have time to do all the cleaning. You like, I have my girl come in.

06:42
So you do go out of your way to do things, to accommodate because babe, I ain’t doing it, but we can get somebody to do it. So that’s, that is intimacy in a way. Nah, that’s just being nice. It’s still intimacy. I categorize it as emotional. How you see it. Yeah. I mean, it is being kind. You see, you see me doing stuff around the house is intimate. I see, I see it as me just doing stuff around the house. I mean, that’s a major turn on.

07:12
but I don’t get that all the time. That’s why you fold them clothes. I watch it. This is how we exchange. He washes them. I fold them because he doesn’t want to fold them and he doesn’t want to put them away. That’s 50, 50, 75, 25. Okay. So next one is how has emotional intimacy played a role in the success of long-term relationships? A lot of stress.

07:39
A lot of stress. I’m very emotional. Oh, in a good way.

07:47
We you can have a good drink. No. Um, you can have good stress. You can write down a lot of Right. But how do you think it plays a role in like people staying together long-term because you get the vent out your stress. Talk shit. Yeah. Be physical. Be a

08:14
So like for emotional intimacy, right? Let me see. What are the good? This is a neat talk. I know. But look, sharing your feelings. that’s one thing you’re saying. Yeah. Well, you don’t understand me and I don’t understand you. I think we understand each other. I don’t be vulnerable with you unless I’m sick. Yes, you are. Unless I’m sick. You well, when you sick, we definitely know you’re vulnerable. You are vulnerable. You have been vulnerable.

08:43
Yeah, we won’t talk about that. I’m a man. I gotta be strong. You’re still strong. I still see you as strong. Strong just because you show vulnerability, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. We understand that. But I’m very supportive of you. And I understand you to a certain extent. Because some of the shit you be going through in your head, which I would like, do she got a fucking switch to turn this shit off? I really say that. Really? Yeah, I definitely do. If you have a

09:12
If you leave for three to four days, right, you come back with a month of thoughts. Like, ain’t no, hey, babe, listen, that’s why when yesterday when you had your little attitude, you already burnt my brain out. You did, you be burning my brain out. I don’t like to think, I swear though, I just like to do, I like actions. You know what I I don’t like to think. You think above and beyond, like, you should have been buzzed like your sister or something.

09:40
To infinity and beyond. That’s how you think. Because thinking is good. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. There’s positives in everything. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, is good thinking. No, you don’t know you, you do more than strategize. You over fucking think. I can say I’ll agree. I do overthink because I think about every little thing, how it’s going to be executed, what it’s going to look like. Even with the podcast. Now I’m creating my

10:10
course I’m very particular about how things need to be executed in that. Yeah. While more along the lines of get it done. right. That’s me. Get it done. I know. But I guess to, I guess to answer the question, um, let me go back to what I asked you is how has emotional intimacy played a role in the success of long-term relationship? We talked about being vulnerable with one another, sharing feelings. um

10:38
better understanding each other. You’re never going to understand your partner to the full. like four, four. You want to jump to four? What are some common mistakes couples make when trying to build intimacy? Not fully understand each other correctly. True. You know, um, as you say, lack of communication, you know, that’s what that’s your favorite. Oh my gosh. You just, I just come home and just lay there. Nigga. This is my downtime.

11:08
Your downtime is when you got off that plane, came home and got in your little. I’ve been excited to see you and I wanna like really talk to you a lot of times because you know how I feel about people. But you see the crazy part about it is right. I got ears. I don’t have to respond to none. I can just lay there as dead as possible. Cause I really have a nonchalant attitude and that’s what you don’t accept of me but you still love me. But my ears work.

11:35
So I can hear everything you’re saying. If you want a response, I’m not gonna give it to you. I’m just gonna listen to you. Because it’s basically like.

11:42
You have like a way of things, basically. it’s like, when you wanna just vent with no comment, I’m commenting. And then when you want to vent with a comment, I’m not commenting. So I’ve learned to just shut the fuck up and just let you vent. And if you wait on the response, that’s when I know you’re like, oh, so you’re not, you ain’t have nothing to say? Oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to talk. You know what mean? That’s literally how I think of it.

12:12
You know, one thing I have to definitely separate is when I’m speaking to you, I have to remember I’m not speaking to my girlfriends because of course how like Lexus or Keisha would respond to when I’m talking, they’ll be engaged, you know, like little things like, know, yeah, that’s right, girl. I’m used to that. You’re not going to give me that.

12:37
Even though I want that from you because to me I’m like, okay, you’re part of the conversation. You’re listening. You’re, you’re not trying to understand what I’m saying, but you’re not going to give me that. So I do have to make a strong effort to separate the fact that you’re not my girlfriend. You’re my man. glad you said that. Cause now I’ve got some shit for you. The other day, other day when I was talking about my people’s and what they do and you’re like, Oh, do this and that. I said, I don’t ask for no fucking detail.

13:05
I try to stay away from all I said was, you know, just do me a favor and give me my blessings. That’s all. Nope. We’re not going to bring it up. But remember that Instagram I showed you when the guy pulled out his notes? Yeah, I don’t have them. I don’t care. Listen, I don’t like the end the notes. He said, so, so how did it happen? He broke everything down because in his mind he’s like, I’m going to go back and talk to this fucking girl and she going to want to know detail for detail.

13:33
So let me ask now because that’s not what I’m doing because that’s never been me. You know what mean? Like because you don’t need to be, you know, the crazy, you how I get my information from people by just letting them fucking talk. Let me, let me tell you. No, you can’t tell me number five. Look, let me explain to you. You’re going off the top. I’m give you an example of what you just gave me. Right. People like to regurgitate all their feelings to me. I don’t know when people see me if

14:02
That’s one of the reasons why I created the podcast because even though in our job we go in the galley and we have galley therapy, the lady I worked with yesterday, very nice woman, older woman, right? about somebody else’s life. She told me pretty much everything. Talking about somebody else’s life. You think I care about somebody else’s life? No, I don’t. I don’t give a fuck about your life. This is fucked up to say, but I really outside of this household and the family that I love.

14:32
Not the ones that I like, but the ones that I love. Well, no, I love a lot of them. I just don’t got to like them. Yeah. So the family that I love, not the ones that I like, don’t like, you feel me? Same thing with Mark. Like I’m trying to tell you, I really build my own family in my head with those that I rock with. You rock with too many people. No. I see. Let me tell you something. I’m going to like somebody and not love them. Then I can love somebody and not like them. True. I get that. I you have a lot of friends. So what?

15:01
I have a broad network. you know what mean? Prime example, it was a situation, person comes and say, yeah, I heard you, I heard from three people you’d be talking about me, I said, bro, I ain’t never really talk about you, If you want to keep it a hundred, I said, I fuck with you, I just don’t trust you. I mean, I like you, I don’t love you, nigga, so at the end of the day, you can stay the fuck away from me. That’s literally what it was. I’m not being, I don’t play two sides, you know what I mean? I’m straightforward with you.

15:31
If I feel as though you’re over and your energy is off of me, I don’t want to be bothered with you. I keep you away from me. That’s how I move. So when it comes to like

15:44
being around people and wanting to know details about their life and what they do and everything else like that. I don’t give a fuck about that. As long as you cool, that’s cool. know what mean? Prime example, I can rock with somebody and if I invite them into this household where my family is, where I’m making sure my family’s safe at and they violate, I’m violating. I get that. That’s what I’m saying. That’s why it’s only certain people that I trust enough.

16:13
to bring here. Let’s prove different. I did that. I mean, I respect that. You don’t have to give a fuck about what’s going on in people’s lives. Exactly. So number five, how can someone bring up intimacy issues with their partner, intimacy issues with their partner without making it uncomfortable? Let’s hear it. Lingerie. Moo moos with nothing else. Their favorite scent.

16:44
which can be soap or the perfume. mean, I, me personally, I love the smell of a fresh fucking body. I mean, that shit turned me on. I don’t care how you put it. You know what And I’m not going to be uncomfortable about it. Not all soaps smell good, babe. No, I’m talking about the one I use. love exactly. That’s what I’m talking about. All right. You think I care about somebody else fucking body? No, I don’t.

17:08
Not all so good. That’s all I’m saying. Some people so probably like, yeah, like your son’s old space. He is not that bad. It’s trash. You don’t like it. Smell like wood chips. Really? Yeah. Don’t like it. tried a few different things. Don’t like it. But anyway, I’m on to the net. Oh no, you can talk about this. You can talk about. So how do you do it? Make it uncomfortable. Talking about sex.

17:35
Anything that has to do with intimacy. find it’s very uncomfortable with people and you also have to agree babe when we were younger We didn’t talk about nothing. We just kind of went straight through it. It’s only as we got older That we started to have these uncomfortable conversations that most people know you talk to sex with anybody about sex with any very Comfortable talking about and I tried to make sure you know that’s how do you know that’s how some females niggas get to the people men get to the token

18:05
Took him out. Cause if you sit here and talk to your friends about how your man is doing, ABCD, no, no, no, no correction. Correction. First of all, I don’t talk about intimacy that happens in our bedroom. That’s a, that’s a whole conversation. don’t have a, say, worry. only need to elaborate on that. I talk about sex in a way that I make it a healthy conversation to discuss. That’s the same way about the female body, the female body.

18:33
isn’t something that’s not discussed. And there’s a lot of times as females when we’re growing up, either your mother’s not comfortable talking to you about it. And there are things as women we need to understand about our body. Prime example, bacterial vaginosis, UTI, yeast infections. These are things women need to understand, but we’re not comfortable talking about it. And fortunately for me, even though I didn’t have the conversation with my mom, I had

19:03
very good OBGYN that educated me, that enlightened me so I could better understand my body and how things work. That’s because your mom barely understands English. Even if she didn’t understand English, she didn’t talk to me about anything. Even me getting my period was like, oh, we’re going to talk about that. Over there, they were just on… Not all of them, but it is a cultural issue. Exactly. You know, that’s not discussed. So that’s why I feel like sex is so taboo because people don’t want to talk about it.

19:32
There’s different levels. Like I’m not saying you need to discuss about intimately what’s happening in the bedroom, but it should be a comfortable conversation. You should be able to have even with your girlfriends about maybe things like, you know, have you guys done this or tried this? Because I was very uncomfortable. Even one of my girlfriends, I’m not going to say her name. Um, she was having some issue and she was having pain during sex, but she was comfortable enough to talk about it with me. And this is what I’m talking about.

20:02
There was some other issues going on, babe. He was ripping that home. So this is why I’m like, these are topics that should be discussed. that shift. He was having issues. He wasn’t ripping the walls. So that’s why I feel like it’s important to bring up because it’s not discussed, but I guess to answer the question is, um, to piggyback off of what Calif said, find out what your partner likes.

20:31
Um, what arouses them and then if something is truly uncomfortable, share it with them. If it’s an uncomfortable position, or maybe you don’t like what they’re doing, you need to vocalize that with them because that’s the only way it’s going to get better. Because over time, if someone’s doing something that you don’t like, you’re just going to get upset and angry about it and probably don’t want to do it. I had a friend who didn’t want to have sex with her husband and she would take ambient.

21:01
just so she could be a little lucid and not have to basically be there in the moment. And that’s not good. She didn’t like him. She didn’t like him. No, but that’s sad to think. And she’s not the only one. Many people probably do this. They, well, it was in that relationship for convenience. He had that point. But anyway, number six, I don’t agree with it.

21:24
How do you personally define spiritual intimacy within a relationship with spiritual praying together, babe? Remember that something I know we used to do that. We don’t, we should definitely consider starting that back up. No, cause all I do is argue with you and you’ll fall right back off of it. That’s not true. That’s not true all the time. Not all the time. I upset. I do get bothered because I think, you know what our approach last time was probably a little weird, but either way,

21:54
I think I was trying to still pray when I’m on a trip over the phone. We probably didn’t even need to do that. We should have probably just did it when I was physically home. So we could always read the scriptures every day. I guess scriptures every day. I two scriptures. Actually, I have the Bible downloaded on my phone and I have a book of scriptures for women. I get a book of scriptures for women. I’m a woman. You that right? A book of scriptures for women. No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. It’s equal. That’s that’s that’s that’s

22:23
Fuck out of here, that’s separation. That is separation. Cause we are all one. We are all equal. You came from my rib. All right. Well, are one. Exactly. No, no, no, no. You came from my rib. All right. You know what mean? So guess what? Don’t a Bible for women. No, no, it’s a script. Just scriptures. Scriptures for women. Focus just on women. That’s not a bad thing. All right. for men.

22:53
All right, anyway. But what was we saying, babe? What we said? so things like that. That’s what spiritual intimacy within a relationship. All right. I understand. You know, praying, going to church together, reading the Bible together. still say that was the funniest thing. one time I went to church. I think that was actually the last time I went to church. And the pastor wrote, read a scripture out the Bible. And then like put it into his own words.

23:20
And it ain’t made no, I couldn’t relate. It ain’t make no sense to me. don’t, it made no sense to me. I don’t even think it added up. I literally just got up and walked out and say, that’s saying for me. You gotta find a pastor that you can relate to. You know what I mean? I know a couple of them. know a couple of them. Do you think church is something you’d want to revisit? Nope. Nope. Nope. I have to believe churches in my heart, you know, um, and uh,

23:51
When I need guidance, find it.

23:54
You last question. You feel me? Then on top of that, you got to take into consideration that if a man has been single for so long, he’s not just doing this thing. He don’t really have that feeling of settling down. And then a woman that’s been independent for so long, she don’t know how to drop her guard of the masculinity when it comes to the relationship or being able to being vulnerable enough to like let her guard down. Do you believe that when it

24:23
comes to women being so masculine, it’s because of something that the male is not doing. um, something that the male is not doing, making her feel comfortable enough to soften herself. So that’s, that’s dependable situation. You know what I mean? And the reason I say it’s dependable situation because some females find weak men and try and strengthen them up.

24:51
but at the same time, knock them down. And then some females find strong men that matches their levels, but they don’t know how to drop their guard because they’ve been doing them for so long. It’s like, well, if he leave, at least I’ll still be good for myself. You know what I mean? It’s like a 50-50 thing.

25:13
So yeah, women just. And then on top of that, just society. I mean, like. It’s really society, really, it’s really all this access to the Internet and everything else to where women feels or they can say do or feel how they want to a certain extent and like basically knock men down to the point where all they really want to see is money. So if the man doesn’t have the money, the women really don’t want to bother with them. But in old fashioned ways, you’d had about.

25:42
15 kids right about now. Been sitting at home in that mumu-ade there. Taking care of kids. Had me a cook meal, my kids fed. Get in the room, I take care of the rest. You’re very old school, 15 kids. At one point you said you wanted a football field. Hell yeah did. Then I realized society, shit expensive. It is pricey out here. I mean, to piggyback off of your question. Your question.

26:10
or our question, why do we think so many couples struggle with vulnerability? To break it down from the female perspective first is females are, I do believe we’re very strong. Um, we are emotionally and mentally, we’re very strong. And when you have a female, we’ll say in this sense, an alpha female,

26:38
who is very much of a leader, very dominant and everything that she’s doing. It, it is a bit difficult for the right man to come around to know how to still allow her to lead, but yet set the tone for the relationship and let her know I’m still the head of the household. I’m still in charge. And an example, what I can,

27:07
say about that, maybe not an example, but just an understanding is a man that feels like they need to control every aspect of a woman is not the right approach because she’s already a leader and she’s already dominant in a lot of the things that she’s doing. But you need to also know the right things to say and how to comfort her.

27:36
or aid her in any situation that she’s in. So she understands, okay, I can still lead and yet he’s still going to step up and be present in the way that I need him to. So she can start maybe letting her guard down because maybe she had bad past relationships or like you said, she’s been independent for so long and been doing things on her own for so long that she knows nothing else. And

28:03
That’s my perspective when it comes to the woman that is very masculine. And yet she meets a man that is very much, I don’t know. What do you call those type of men? Like, Oh, I guess about his a game. He’s a leader. He’s in charge. You just have to know he’s an alpha male as well. You just have to know how to work together as a team.

28:32
where you both can lead, but you have to know, you know, maybe the females dominant at this and allow her to be dominant at that and let him be dominant in his role. Now, when you said about the weak men and your perspective, babe, from a male perspective, what do you consider a weak man?

28:52
Okay, give me the top three give me the top three in your eyes as a man, what do you consider a weak man? One that depends on a woman. That’s my main one. So that’s one and two. That’s unmotivated. Okay, and three.

29:09
No real goals. Okay. No real goals are unmotivated. the same. that’s possible, they kind of go hand in hand. So a hand in hand is like, um, well, I wish I could say this motherfucking name because no, don’t we not gonna say name. Hey, listen, listen, I don’t smile on my face. I don’t talk behind my back. If I say it to your face, I’ll say behind your back. If I say behind your back as an example, But anyway, I know a person, man. Boy, listen, like

29:40
Anyway, um…

29:45
They ain’t able to step up to the plate. everything just goes, be a man. That’s it.

29:56
I mean, that’s literally what it is. Just be a fucking man. I mean, that makes sense. That makes sense. a man. Just I mean, make sure your woman good. Make sure you will make sure you’re good. Make sure your woman good. Make sure your house is good. You know what mean? And let it roll from there. Be a fucking man. That’s it. Just be a.

30:20
That kind of pissed me off, but anyway, so now we’re going to get, move on to the 50 50 part of it. A lot of people think relationships should be 50 50. What does that truly mean to you? 50 50 to me is, um, well, you take care of the inside of the house. I take care of the outside of the house. Now I mean, we both help with the bills, uh, take care of the cars. You know, you take care of the kids, uh,

30:47
You make sure food ready. I help bring the food inside the house, you know, stuff like that. That’s 50 50. You know, even when I was down, I mean, like I was still bringing something in, but that would be like a 75 25, you know, but we.

31:04
50 50 is just supportive all the way around the board. You know what I mean? It’s just really all the way around the board, a 50 50 thing. Regardless of you’re up doing 100 % of it, you know, and then all of sudden you fall just a little bit back and next thing I got to pick up 100 % or, you know, just, Hey babe, I need you to go do this right here. I already did everything. Just pick it up, bring it back, whatever, whatever. That’s 50 50.

31:29
Yeah, just just whatever hey, can you can lay this out right here? So I can honor for you You know, I mean pick out your clothes and not pack it away for you like everything just in a relationship To keep everything at home even though you’re gonna have your fucking days. Mm-hmm You know just all everything y’all do within your relationship is really a 50-50 Just anybody 50-50 for me in my mind is Whatever totals up to 100 % for that day

31:57
Because realistically now at my big age, it’s not 50 50. It’s not, I mean, it is a term that society throws out there often. It should be 50 50. Whatever makes a hundred percent of the day. Yeah. That’s fire. Yeah. That’s actually dope.

32:19
So for me, it’s, you know, a societal term that’s really overplayed because it’s not 50 50 every day. I don’t think it ever really is truly 50 50. A lot of times one partner is always going to give more in different aspects of the relationship. So that’s what that truly means to us. I respect that. Yeah, this is that next question is so funny.

32:51
Why is it unrealistic to expect a partner to show up 50 % every day? That’s a good one though. I don’t. My 50 % going consists of going to work. I swear to God everything else. I don’t even care about. That’s a huge, mean nowadays that’s a huge portion, but as far as if she’s home and I went to work, if she’s home relaxing and I went to work that day and I got to come home and have a conversation with her. I’m not, I swear to God I’m not.

33:20
I’m telling you the truth, my 50 % went to work. Don’t even talk to me. what mean? Like that decompressed stage, oh fuck it. After I shower, lay down, don’t even talk to me. I got the phone in one hand, the TV on, the TV watching me and I’m watching the phone, she talking in the background. I would turn the volume up and she’d still over talk that to the point I just, yeah, my 50-50 is that day when I went to work. I went to work that day, that was my 50%.

33:49
So why is it unrealistic to expect 50 % every day of your partner? Because we are imperfect human beings. And these days, mean, literally there are individual things we have to do as people we’re talking about a daily shower, personal hygiene. Um, even that I realized I didn’t realize how much of a role that

34:16
plays in depression because during depression, when someone’s depressed, that’s the first thing that starts to slack is personal hygiene. When someone is depressed. Yeah, it is. I don’t have the statistics on the numbers right now. Yeah, but there’s some people depressed before. Seriously, I’ve been depressed. I, I wash my ass. I think we all have a very small slight depression every day.

34:45
Depending on the situation it could be like shit. I gotta handle this shit. I gotta do this shit. I’m washing my ass I’m not I’m falling you are truly depressed. That’s something that is difficult to my my my e But that’s difficult to do for some it’s it’s a sign of depression babe personal hygiene Don’t say don’t say no names I say no name you can use examples go ahead say a big person being depressed oh

35:15
Well, imagine, well, happens. Those what is it? 500 pound shows. What’s that show called? My 600 pound life. My 600 pound life. It’s hard for them to watch and they’ve said it on the shows. They need assistance. They can’t reach, you know, things start to build up under the examples. They’re doing that. I don’t want no visuals, but I mean, to sum it up.

35:42
You really realistically cannot expect 50 % from your partner every day. can’t. And the word is quote unquote, expect it’s whatever they end up giving that day. Um, because let’s say I was laid up in the hospital and capacitated, then now Khalifa is definitely given more than 50 % every day. Just make sure the house is running, kids are good and everything else that needs to be taken place. So if I’m functioning on a daily basis, especially when I’m not home,

36:10
and I’m away with the type of job I have. Khalifa is definitely giving more than 50%. I am lying. She lied. She lied though. He gives more than 50 % because you already said you got to go to work. And then like between you and pop-up y’all got to feed the cats feed the dogs and then y’all do the bare minimum. Y’all both the same like father and son. That’s why that next one will be a funny one. Let’s see. How do you explain the difference between fairness?

36:37
versus equality in a relationship. So what would you consider? So how would you categorize fairness? The relationship part of fairness? Like how would it like? That’s a good one. Do you want to come back to that one? Fairness versus equality. Well, if you want to say the quality part, I can say the quality part is basically just making sure we do everything equally to the point where

37:06
Like you say, that’s the best part about that’s why I actually like that. We give a hundred percent for the day. Yeah. As long as it amounts up to a hundred percent of the day. Yeah. So that can probably go for fairness to them. That’s a good, that’s a, that’s a way to look at it. I like that. I really do. It is. mean, fairness, what that’s. What’s fair was reasonable. Was hard. I guess it depends on the day. Yeah. So that’s that.

37:35
Like I guess fairness would be like these are not real. These are, I’m gonna tell you, you woke up and you did the laundry. Now I was going to do it, but I didn’t even have to ask you. You just said I’m going to do it. And then you’re like, you’re folding. So I feel like that’s fairness because that’s fair. That’s an example of fairness. So I think it just depends on the day. Yeah. So what are we eating for dinner? I decide and you cook it. Salmon Alfredo. Salmon Alfredo.

38:06
No, I’m an Alfredo soup You’ve had that many times. I don’t care. I love the Alfredo soup I was just gonna make salmon alfredo actual same with the noodles. You’re gonna do it just not gonna be in soup form What the news? Why not? What they gonna be in elbows or what? Oh time for me. We could do bow tie We can do bow ties. It doesn’t matter what noodle we use but I wasn’t gonna do soup form I was gonna do actual out

38:35
Yeah, yeah, I got you. That’s cool. That’s cool. We’ve done it before. Yes, where everything is separate. Combine it when it’s time to eat. What’s it? And we gotta go somewhere Sunday. Where? Get some more fucking meat from the last one.

38:50
We’re not really really anyway. Um What are signs that the relationship is out of balance what are signs that the relationship is out of balance and We’re talking about We’re not talking about from a trauma perspective. We’re talking about if everything’s going good from day to day out of balance can be you know Not seeing each other enough not seeing each other enough not providing physical intimacy

39:17
Uh, not handling all the chores and tasks that the day must might consist of or asking, or it could be in that situation, it could be, maybe you asked for something and days have gone by and it hasn’t been done. That’s going to throw things off balance because one person might be upset. The other person may have forgotten or just got busy. So things like that, when I say off balance, so remember we’re not, this topic can be

39:46
digressed into traumatic. So let’s keep the big traumas out. And we’re thinking of small little stuff or like, um, hoping the person reads your mind on what you want, but really they don’t know because you’re not voicing yourself. Yep. That’s examples that can throw the relationship off balance. Um, and emotionally present, we always have to be emotionally present. Um, one thing I definitely have to give Kulig kudos for is

40:16
Even when I’m giving him attitude, he still shows me signs of affection and I give him the most dirtiest look. he’s like, don’t look at me like that. oh Cause it’d be fake. Like you temporarily mad. Like, you know what I mean? Like, Oh, you got an attitude. All right, cool. Then all of sudden you say something a little random to where it puts a smile on the face. Now I’m sudden the mood’s still there, but the smile came with it. No, no, no.

40:46
Um, this one right here, I don’t like it at all. I really don’t. I don’t like like this question. That’s how I’m trying to tell you. Sorry listeners, right? Because I’m one of them type of people that just say what I want and don’t care.

40:59
Some of these questions are not made for my skin color. I’m just like, know, now what? So this right here, are very much so I’m not, no, so no, I’m not going to say it that way. It’s not made for the type of person that I am as far as this question right here. How do couples avoid keeping score when things don’t feel equal? Let me, can I interject? You know, the keeping score part is probably more of a feminine thing. I do believe men do not keep score.

41:28
That right there to me, I’m not a fan though. You know what mean?

41:38
it goes into like this. I’m not bragging about what I’ve done for you. The only way you’re going to get it is when we’re in an argument. I’m going to talk to you like, bitch, didn’t I take care of this and then I take care of that? So that’s the only time you’re really going get it. So it’s really not keeping score. It’s just letting you know that I’m there for you when needs be. So I don’t want to keep scoring anything. I’m just giving you a reminder that I’m still here going to bat for you, regardless if you’re mad at me or not. You know?

42:07
I don’t like throwing stuff in nobody’s face. Tell you how it is. It is what it is. Leave it alone. Leave it at that. Let me be. So that’s my answer to 12. So we should not be keeping score in any relationship, no matter what your dynamic is. We should not be keeping score, but it is something that I have been victim of. and keeping score can definitely being, you see, you’ll see it a lot.

42:35
when you’re upset with your partner, when you’re in a mood, then you’re throwing something in your face. I definitely would put throwing something in your partner’s face as keeping score because now you’re reminding them of a positive gesture that was done or something positive you did just to either throw the topic off or shift the focus, shift the focus on what you’re really discussing.

43:02
just so you can throw things off. And that’s how conversations end up going left and going sideways. When now we’re throwing things in each other’s face that has nothing to do with present day of what we’re actually discussing because a positive gesture that I did five years ago, why are you bringing it up now? But I do believe women tend to do this more often than men. And then men fall trap into, you know, the revolving wheel. And then they start doing, doing it and immolating what their partner does.

43:31
But not doing that. Take the chance. Not what it is. Taking score is not a positive thing. So really what I’ve learned is stay present in the conversation, which when I last met with Nawaash, so we talked about this as staying present in what the discussion is presently. And also try to remember anything positive you do for your partner. It should be done just out of the kindness of your heart and it shouldn’t have to be.

44:00
used as a weapon later on in life. Fact. Fact. Now, 13. What does it look like when one partner is given more emotional, emotionally?

44:14
The Lover

44:17
What does it look like? That’s interesting one. What does it look like? What does it look like? That’s a question that’s not for the skin. But anyway, it can be though. All right. But what does it look like one partner is giving more emotionally? So for me, I don’t like the way that’s like, like, phrase will rephrase it in your head.

44:40
I mean, I guess it could be, what does it look like? guess what they’re trying to say, we’re using ourselves as an example. I’m very like, I become very emotional when I feel like you give me that nonchalant attitude, right? But in all due respect, you’re not being mean. You’re just like, I’m here. What else do you want from me? Yes. emotionally I feel like, and I’ll say,

45:06
Even though a lot of times I’m playing, I’m like, so you just don’t love me today? I don’t care about that. And you like, so we’re not starting this. We’re not doing this. And that’s what you say. So I feel like for us, if we use that example, that’s what emotionally looks like, because I become more emotional, more emotional than you do. I’ll become I’ve been through a lot, though. I’ve been through a fucking lot. Yeah. But females are just naturally emotional. Yeah. Because y’all believe for seven days and don’t die.

45:33
between our periods, our mood swings. Now I’m not a menopause yet, but like that’s going to be approaching. So the moods are going to be shifting and swinging. So I do believe we go through more emotional menopause like her new 20s.

45:53
I hope, I hope my hot flashes aren’t awful. I’m always cold anyway. So, yeah. Um, but, I guess what that looks like emotionally, depends on the relationship dynamic and who’s the emotional party. Women are mainly the most emotional one, but there are emotional men out there. There are emotional men. So I guess it depends on your dynamic and your setup. And it could be something small that you get upset about.

46:22
I could be upset because I don’t like the way he responded to my text message. So, you know, what does that look like? That’s just me being a short conversation person to Sherley. Technically some of this shit up. He likes to talk y’all. I do, but not to you. That’s because I like, get deep. want deep. I want deep conversation. uh No, just like you get deep inside of me. want deep conversation.

46:49
Anyway, I’m going to figure that one out too. Now, how can couples rebuild balance after going through tough season? Trust, make a to-do list. Put goals in that balance. mean, stuff you ought to do, you know, um and on top of that, self-reflecting, I love that.

47:18
I really do love self-reflecting. like, because sometimes what you think is you and it’s really not, and then sometimes what you think is them and it’s really not them, know, like y’all like, and then conversations, you know, like, how can we make this better? How can we pursue what we want, what we came for before we had this hiccup of this relationship? How can we better ourselves as adults for this relationship?

47:48
Assuming that everything was pretty good before the tough season approached, um, a hundred percent Khalifa’s right trust, because whatever has happened, whatever it is that you’re going through, now you have to rebuild trust in that person. And also remember that does take time. Um, and there’s no time limit. You have to be patient with your partner.

48:17
and understand however much time they need, you have to give it to them. The other thing is communication is going to be important. You have to pretty much almost communicate everything to them because not to me, she better fucking out. Trust has been broken. And you have to communicate with your partner so they understand what’s going on, why you’re doing what you’re doing, what your approach is.

48:46
So trust communication for me, want to add and counseling is definitely important. Now with counseling, that’s an interesting topic because you do have to find the right counselor. People automatically assume that the first person you go to, you’re going to hit gold, but that’s not how it works in counseling. You have to find a person or persons who are compatible, who are understanding, um,

49:16
who have not only book smarts, but life experience to understand what you’re going through. Digo, life experiences, life experiences. You don’t need to go to a fucking therapist or counselor that went to school for fucking relationships. Find somebody that’s been through what you’re going through.

49:38
You know, that’s the better way to find how to resolve the issue. A counselor that’s not stuck up because you know a lot of times they don’t want to talk about their issues.

49:50
sit there as though their perfection. So those three down earth counselors, communication therapy. And do we have a fourth? Or I think those three are top three random areas of sex. Because you know, if they’re in that season, one of them is probably gonna be turned off. As a man. uh

50:19
If the sexual attraction is still there, take it, then it’s not going to be an issue. Take it. But if that has been turned off for a moment by one party, that take it a struggle. Take it. That sounds like take it. Well, take it in a positive way. Okay. We don’t want to incorporate our people’s, don’t be like your people’s where they want to do a drug to fill us though. They’re not around. No, I want you to fill all this. Oh, I know you don’t want to do that. You don’t want to do that.

50:49
Take it in a positive way, you allow them to, uh, unpack everything that has been going on, you know, but you also have to play the role of getting them to that point. Don’t just take it. Some people are going to look at that negative. You can just take it. You got to find another word to use respectfully because you know, they might incorporate with our APP. I’m not condoning in that. know you don’t condone in that, but other people like take it big. I’ll take it.

51:19
Cuz you know what it is right? That’s why I said the way I said it. I think it’s just my verbiage. You know what mean? It’s my verbiage. But honestly speaking, women love to be manhandled. They want a soft side of a man. know, like it’s like being a lady in the streets, being freaking the sheets. You know, so that’s what I mean by take it. you know what mean? Oh yeah, we are good. All right, cool. We can be arguing. I’ll just whip out. Boom, hey. You know what I mean?

51:48
sitting on your leg type shit. You know what I’m I’m just saying. I mean, it works for us. It might not work for other couples. So we have to look at both. Randoms. That’s all. That’s good. mean, that’s if they still want to. That’s if there’s no funny business going on outside. It’s a healthy, sexual situation. I’m just saying, but now I’m hungry and your show got it. Yeah, I know you didn’t eat yet. I eat. Okay.

52:15
So we’re coming to an end. to kind of really sum everything up here, um, and what we talked about, we talked about physical intimacy, the four categories that it falls under is emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. did all of them. And then we also talked about relationship from a 50 50 perspective. So the last question that was that we had asked is how can couples rebuild

52:44
After going through a tough situation, said trust communication and therapy were our top threes. If you are going through something top, top threes, always like to pack Khalifa and I on the back because many times I’ve had conversations with people who have been in situations that involved infidelity and it’s hard for them to stay together and they end up going separate ways and.

53:11
One thing we haven’t discussed that I plan on doing is the different stages in the relationship, because when you do go through that stage, which I feel I think it falls under stage two or in three, where you go through tough times in your relationship and when you can really truly get over that hump as a couple. And now you can start rebuilding and really kind of being friends and looking at each other differently and still having respect for each other because you’ve been through a traumatic situation that

53:40
to meet is phenomenal. And I always like to pat ourselves in the back and give us kudos because most people can’t say they can get as far as taking my money and I can’t buy Harley. I’m trying to tell you all the life things. got a sacrifice. He already has a Harley guy. Okay. I want another one. He wants another one. want to, I want to, I want to spend money and I haven’t denied it to him. I told him after we move, I’m gonna have one before we come crazy as hell. I’m gonna wait that.

54:10
So we got like we got real life shit going on he just has to patiently wait to make it seems like it’s like 10 years two years like well next year’s almost here you’re then I’m saying What’s that? I’m buying me another bike little do she fucking know I might buy bike this tax season Little do she know put a little bit of money to the side by bike literally, I’m tellin facts so next part

54:39
2026 come around y’all here. I another bike Or I’m one but I still got to revamp my other one something. Yes a lot of money I kick out I think about it. She put me back in reality. That kind of brought so much shit yesterday

54:52
could have, I could have brought so much. Thank God you did. And cause now you needed a battery. Yeah. I want to go ride now. Oh, yeah. Well guys, was great having you here. Hope you enjoy the show. Remember to like comment, post, share all that type of stuff. So to the next episode, have a great one. Peace out.

55:18
Thank you for tuning into the show. you want to continue the conversation or share your takeaways, head on over to the website or join us on social media. I want to hear from you. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. Chat with you soon.