00:00

He’s doing everything he can for the love of that woman. And by the time that child turns, if he raised him from five to the time it turns 16, 17, then he’s like, oh, all of a sudden he’s saying, you’re not my dad. That’s a hurt piece. That’s what I’m basically saying. In my, okay, I don’t agree with you because I don’t believe it’s a mental illness. And this is why society is hard on us when we make decisions. I don’t agree with him. Um, he has a right to his opinion, but I don’t agree. There are good men out there.

00:29

and it all rolls back to the adults. Adults have to learn to take accountability.  Welcome back to The Sherley Show.  I am your host Sherley.  Our discussions are going to be ranging from personal life experiences,  infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self-love, and so much more.  Let’s dive in,  pull up a seat,  make sure you’re cozy,  and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn.

00:58

with me, your virtual girlfriend. All right, welcome back to another session of Sherley’s show.  Today we’re gonna be talking about step kids and segue into intimacy in a relationship. But I’m going to share some things with you because a lot of times you enter the conversation blindsided. So you can hear the reason what sparked this conversation when it comes to raising step kids.

01:28

Have your own family. You’ll feel better. If you have your own family, your own children, when you do for that child, it’s meaningful. It means something when you’re raising another man’s child. That’s mental illness. Have you ever tried to do that? That’s I’ve done that. Oh, you’ve done. Okay. So you’ve got experience. Okay. Yeah, it’s a mental illness.

01:50

It’s the really one of the worst things you could raise in another man’s child is mental illness. It’s mental illness explained because he raises something that don’t belong to you. That’s some horrible shit to pretend. That’s like a gay man who wants to be a woman or a woman who wants to be a man. You’re pretending to be something that’s not natural. And nobody talks about it in our community. men think that’s what they should do. And you know what happens? Financial fucking debt.

02:18

And then when your money is out, the pressure that’s on you, the stress, you end up dying early  and you out of here and don’t nobody give a fuck. And the kids love you. Yeah. You was a good person, but there’s not,  you ever noticed that you can be a stepfather and the dad is birth,  birth father ain’t shit, but they still love that.  Like he paid the rent. Right. It’s still emotional. still show love to dad  because that’s their daddy.

02:47

Exactly. No matter what. should you go through that? You heard that? Yeah, do. I’m going to go first. We’re going to break it down because now respectfully, I will say that our opinions are our own.  I didn’t do the back research on this individual because  for me, it doesn’t matter  what his life setup is. I’m just giving my opinion based on this topic that he stated.

03:15

And to sum it up, he says, basically men who are  raising  other people’s children, it’s considered mental illness. So that’s what we’re focusing on. Now, respectfully, everybody has a right to their opinion.  This man is not right or wrong for what he’s saying. It’s just respectfully his viewpoint and what he sees, how he chooses to live his life, it’s his opinion. But I wanted to comment on it because  I personally do not agree.

03:44

I don’t think another man  raising  someone else’s child is considered mental illness. Now, me who likes to get deep into conversations and ask questions, one of the questions that was imposed was,  what if the father was possibly, you know, was to pass away? Because in this scenario, I’m thinking what he’s saying is the father is still alive. So if the father was to pass away.

04:11

Would that change the setup and how he sees it? Would it still be considered mental illness for a man to raise  another man’s child for whatever the reason may be? A child needs both a male and a female figure in their life. Now, the male or the female figure doesn’t necessarily have to be biological all the time. It could be an auntie. It could be a

04:40

It could be a big sister. It could be a neighbor. could be anyone. So it doesn’t matter who  the male or female figure is. They need both  so they can see the different dynamic setups when it comes to male and female. Of course, you always want to raise your child  in  a two-family,  not two-family, in both, both parents are there, both mother and father. Sometimes this, that’s…

05:08

just not always feasible for every family. Every dynamic is different. But to say that a man has mental illness raising someone else’s child,  all I’m hearing  is  that woman should  not try to pursue any other relationship and keep herself single, a single parent for the rest of her life, either wait until that child is 18 or older so she can go out and date because

05:40

that man is mentally ill. So I guess I’ll see what you say and then we’ll go from there. That’s the whip. That’s the female’s point of view. So let me get the male’s point of view right. So.

05:53

Coming into the situation of what he was saying, it plays a variable. Cause like at the end of the day, like you can be sitting here doing all you can for that child, but you can’t discipline that child the way you want to discipline your own. You feel me? must take it up to the mother or father, depending on the situation. mean, cause it can work both ways, you know? So don’t just think of it as a man’s point of view. can actually be a female’s point of view too, you know, but um,

06:20

you looking at your significant other to take care and discipline her child that you’re trying to accept as your child. Now, you can say it’s traumatic because let’s say you’re sitting here doing everything you can do for the child  and they turn around like, you’re not my father, you’re not my mom, but you’re one clothing them. You’re one making sure they get into school, making sure they’re on the right path, just giving them all the guidance that you did for yourself to make yourself successful.

06:50

and they just shooting out harsh words to you. So the traumatic can play a role in that. But it’s just different point of views on how you want to accept it. You know, It can go either way. That’s that’s my point of view. It can go either way. You know. OK, so.

07:13

I hear what you’re saying about when you’re raising someone else’s child and you tell them you’re disciplining them, you may have to check in with, I guess, the mother. In this situation, we’ll say the mother based on the scenario we just heard. Hold that thought. Hold that thought. You can’t discipline them because at the end of the day, that’s not your child. You’re not going to discipline that child the way you would discipline your child. So you’re actually going to your significant other looking for her or him to discipline that child.

07:43

So what I was gonna say is you can discipline them. There’s always both sides to every story, both sides to situation. I’m not saying you can’t discipline someone else’s child. It all depends  on the communication of the two adults. And this is always segues back to why it’s very important to communicate in a relationship, to talk to each other because

08:12

It  goes to say nature versus nurture, right?  That’s the whole pattern. The child is going to watch what the parents are doing.  Now, it also depends on the age  that the person is entering into a child’s life because that plays a significant role.  And it also depends on how active is the biological parent in that child’s life. So there’s so many factors that have to be considered here.

08:41

But to say that you can’t discipline someone else’s child, that also I don’t agree with. Because you can discipline someone else’s child if the two adults have healthy communication style. Because let’s say…  Hold that thought, hold that thought. So you’re sitting here saying if the two adults, also you gotta take consideration, right? You technically gotta say three because if the mother or father is still alive, right?  And mind you, you don’t know their mindset of

09:11

another man or another woman putting their hands on their child or discipline in another way, how they will feel about it. So you’re technically dealing with three different people now on top of the child.

09:24

There’s a lot of factors into this that. You’re saying three different people and I know you’re just focused on discipline,  what’s give me a scenario in your head where you would have to involve all three people because for it to involve all three people, it just depends on. Give you an example. The example is the fucking child. The example is limited to the child all the way around the board. The example is the child. The discussion that we’re having is the child. The example is the child. There’s no other reason for an example.

09:55

Okay, babe. I mean, I’m not up here. But this is a discussion. You’re not supposed to get worked up. There’s no reason to get work. I have my reasons behind it. I mean, I know. I mean, in our guy, let’s just focus on our reasons. Let’s just focus now because that shit hit home. That’s what I’m saying.

10:13

you okay to continue, Yeah, I’m good. Oh, good. Okay. So  you’re saying all three parents have to be involved. I’ll give you a scenario where I’m just gonna create a makeshift situation because I have to. Maybe for you to understand my thought process and me saying that you can still discipline someone else’s child based on how the two adults are running their home.

10:41

and how communication is set. It could be something as simple. Let’s say we’re gonna say the child is like five or six, right? Five or six,  but maybe the parents have different styles to begin with. Maybe one  is a neat freak and the other is a little disorganized. We’ll say the mother is disorganized kinda when  she’s around, maybe that child is, you know,

11:09

kind of running free, things are all over the place. Then you have the father who’s very neat and tidy. So maybe mom stepped out, went to the grocery store, home with dad.  And we could just say, we don’t know what the scenario is, but dad tells the child, okay, clean everything up, put everything away. We’re gonna go outside and clean the backyard. Something simple as that. Now the child says,

11:38

No, I don’t want to do that. I’ll do it later or something like that because that’s discipline. And this is the simplest example I can give. Now it becomes to a situation where the child doesn’t want to do what’s being said and then  maybe make a comment. know, mommy said I don’t have to do it or something like that. Now we’re going to stop right there because it could go to so many different variables, but it’s a simple example  of communication. Now mom walks into the door.

12:09

It could either spark a argument between the two adults,  one,  or mom can  step in and say, Jessica, your dad said to pick your stuff up, pick your stuff up. End of story. But  it’s not gonna always be that simple because it could be a situation where mom walk in, she might become a little sensitive, maybe because, you know, the stepdad.

12:38

is telling her child what to do  and she know how she is and she has this disorganized I don’t care and it’ll get done when it get done.

12:50

You okay?  I can take a deep breath. You  can take a deep breath, but it seems like, okay, that’s fine. um Anyway, with the scenario I was saying, what’s your thought process on that? Is that a situation you feel all three parents would have to be involved? The thing is when it comes to discipline, it could go so many different directions.  But  see, that’s the whole thing.  You’re talking about a subject that has…

13:19

so many different variables in it to the point where like  nothing is wrong, nothing is right. Because that’s the world we live in. There’s no,  there is no. Okay. So the world that we live in, you know, there are different scenarios for everything. There’s three ways that you can drive to get to a destination, possibly even more. And that goes the same for living your life. Okay, cool. So let me just, let’s, let’s give a real one now. Let’s give a real one. I’m a

13:48

We’re parents, right? We have kids together, right? Cool. Hold on, hold on. We ain’t gonna talk about step kids. Because as you’re talking about these step kids, you gotta also take into consideration of actual kids now, right? Because you So you do agree with this guy? Like I said, it can go either way. So you do believe men who raise other people’s children- Like I said, it can go either way. And this is I’m saying, I’m bouncing back off of, I’m rebelling off of your mom rules to the store situation, right?

14:18

Now, we’re gonna take  us and we’re gonna take our kids, right? There has been times where I sat here and said something, they don’t do it. Then you tell them to do it, they do it. Vice versa, you know?  Vice versa. I’ll do it later. Now you need to do it now. You know, and my head is like, yeah, but if you get it done now, you do everything you want to do later on. Yeah, all right, they said they’re gonna do it later, they’re gonna do it later. And then.

14:46

it stops you from repeating yourself because if you give them to do it now, you know what mean? You don’t have to worry about them saying they’re gonna do it later and then all of sudden they get sidetracked and do something else. And then when you bring it back up to them, it’s like, now I gotta talk to you multiple times in order for you to do what I actually do already before. But anyway.

15:05

It’s a 50-50 on my agreement with him. Yes, it can be traumatic. You feel me? Especially with attachment. He said mental illness. My question is, do you feel as though it’s a man? Yes, it can be mental. Yes, yes. Yes, it can. All right. What about if you’re sitting here pouring everything you is into this woman, you feel me? And doing everything that’s asked of you to be the parent to that child. You feel me? Everything that you’re asked of.

15:35

than that one day. You can be raising a kid from five, six, it doesn’t matter. You know what mean? But if you’re raising that kid and all of sudden, 15, 16 years old, all of a sudden they say, you ain’t my dad, hold up, man, I just put these motherfucking Jordans on your feet, nigga. I make sure these lights stay on, I make sure there’s roof over your head. You know what mean? I’m doing all this other stuff with you. I’m supporting you and then you turn around after all this and say, I’m not your dad. When I’m basically just trying to be a father figure for you.

16:07

So it can have some mental illness to it, yes. It can be mentally fucked up,  100%. So yes, fuck that, I’m agreeing with him now. Thinking of it, I’m agreeing with him.

16:20

You agree that it’s mental illness to raise another man’s Yes it is. Yes it is. Do you believe that I was mentally ill?  No. Assist in helping raise Kenza? No. It was not mentally ill, but it hurted you. There was things that hurted you. You’re jumping. You’re jumping.  I’m not talking about any situation, but to hear you say that you agree,  that means that you have to agree with it on both sides.

16:48

I just said it can go either way. I was saying it would go either way from a jump. No, no, no. I’m not, no, I’m not. side. Yes. And what I’m trying to say is, from the jump, I said it can be either way, male or female. So you also believe that I shouldn’t have stepped in and played that role? No, I respect you for doing it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t respect someone that, because he doesn’t have any respect for someone who’s raising some- Because you gotta take consideration.

17:17

as I stated before. You know what mean? You stepped in to play the role.

17:25

of still being a mother. For the love of me. And that’s another thing I’m saying, you know what mean? He’s doing everything he can for the love of that woman. And by the time that child turns, if he raised him from five, to the time it turns 16, 17, and he’s like, oh, all of a sudden he’s saying, you’re not my dad. That’s a hurt piece. That’s what I’m basically saying. In my, okay, I don’t agree with you because I don’t believe it’s a mental illness. And this is why society is hard on us when we make decisions.

17:54

I don’t agree with him.  He has a right to his opinion, but I don’t agree. There are good men out there and it all rolls back to the adults. Adults have to learn to take accountability. In my situation, I was in hurt by the child.  I was hurt by you and her mother because y’all had no respect for me.  And at the end of the day, you know, it was just…

18:22

was what y’all said go.  And  I had to always stay in my lane. So I believe this is the reason why I’m so strong on communication with the adults.  The kids, kids are gonna say some crazy stuff. We can’t change that. It doesn’t matter if it’s biological or not biological because we know our own kids have been upset with us and have said things. So if we take  steps,

18:53

out of the context and just say children, they’re gonna say crazy stuff regardless. But it boils back to adults taking responsibility and accountability, communicating properly. And if all three parties have a healthy communication style, it’s not mental illness to raise somebody else’s child.  Are you going to run into, you know, rough patches in the road?  Absolutely, you’re gonna run into rough patches in the road.

19:22

Is there going to be a day that might be challenging? Absolutely. I’m not saying, oh, you know, we can create this realistic, perfect situation and it’s gonna be great all the time. Absolutely not. But to say someone has a mental illness because they’re raising someone else’s child is diabolical. Okay, cool. Now I’m gonna give you one even better, right? Now, let’s take another scenario in this to this book, right?

19:49

Like I said, you’re doing everything you can in this relationship to make sure y’all stay strong, following suit of everything to make sure you and her bond is good and everything. You actually, the kid might love you better than he loves his dad, right? oh This is a good one. All of a sudden you and her break up.

20:10

She take that child to build that bond with.

20:15

Now, you don’t even care about the mom or you don’t care about the dad. Doesn’t even matter. He or she, whatever, however it goes, you don’t care about the situation, about the parent. You just worried about the child. Now, depending on the age,  it’s a possibility. You can’t go checking on that child. Now, if you’re sitting here calling her or he’s, or  if you’re sitting here calling him, just to check on that child, all of a sudden you’re looking at his ass, oh, he trying get back with me. So he worried about the kid. Nah, I love that child. I don’t give a fuck about you at this point.

20:44

I love the child, I wanna see the child grow, I wanna see the child this. You done built the bond, you done built the rapport, you done built a good relationship with this child, but you and your significant other falls out when they take the child with them. So then again, like I said, I’m gonna agree with them because it can be a mental illness.

21:03

Possibly. There’s so many different ways of thinking about this and going about this to the point where I can be all my bullshit and say fuck them kids the whole time. When deep down inside, I’m loving them kids.

21:19

or a kid. You might love the child more than you love the parents. So that means you wouldn’t date someone if they had children. I’m not saying that. So what are you saying? We’re talking about this show, so I’m going on this show. I’m not talking about my personal shit. I’m not talking about this show. I’m not talking about your personal stuff. I’m just talking about in general. What I did, yes, I would still date somebody with a child, yes. But I would have boundaries, 100%. Word up.

21:48

So how can you stay its mental illness, Listen. How would the boundaries look like? Take care of your child. That’s one thing I ain’t gonna do. I’ll step up to the plate. If you need me to do something cool, I would do it. But I don’t know how far we’re going into this relationship. So you know what? Do me a favor. Until I feel comfortable enough to step up to the plate, I’m not gonna act like I don’t love the child. But until I feel comfortable enough that me and you are secure,

22:18

That’s when I’m gonna true and honestly step onto the plate. I’m only gonna give you a slight portion of being that parent that I can be until I know that me and you are secure and I can be the parent I wanna be. Regardless, it’s still mental illness. Exactly. I don’t agree with- mental thoughts, mental. Everything has to do with how you gotta go about it, how you perceive it, how you gonna do this, how you gonna do that, how you got the adjustments. Everything is gonna revolve around that. Everything.

22:47

especially if there’s a child in play and you’re attaching that child.

22:53

Come on now. I still don’t agree. I still think a one can raise someone else’s child. It’s not meant to… I’m not saying that one cannot raise someone else’s child. You know what mean? But like I said, there’s so many different factors. So you agree with him really 50-50? Because I don’t agree with what he’s saying at all. He’s not saying there are challenges. He’s not saying, oh, you know, there’s many challenges when you’re raising someone else’s child.

23:19

He’s immediately saying that person has a mental illness by doing that. And that’s the part I don’t agree with. That’s from his experience. And that’s what I said when we first started, everyone’s viewpoints are their own. I don’t know this individual. that’s from his experience. So I just basically shout out a couple scenarios of what it could have been. He probably still heard about the situation. That’s why he said he mentally fucked up about it.

23:46

Do you ever think of it that way? I didn’t think of it in no way. just thought, I don’t agree.  That’s all right, cool. I’m gonna give you one. All right, cool. So listen, that’s that child part, right? So I’m give you one even better, right?

24:01

Let’s just use this scenario.

24:04

Relationship, those are y’all kids. Y’all go your certain ways. Kids go with their mom or kids go with their dad or whatever the case may be. The dad wanna be an asshole. Don’t wanna let the mom see the motherfucking kids. Mom wanna be an asshole. Don’t wanna let the dad see the kids. You’re mentally fucked up in the head. You know that, right?

24:28

You’re mentally fucked up in the head. I think you’d like to use, why do you like to use the word mentally fucked up in the head? When you say mentally fucked up in the head, I think of like a serial killer. That’s what you want to think of it as, what mean? that’s, mentally fucked up, it’s just out there and it’s open. know, mentally is just out there and it’s open. Okay, y’all. So if someone tells you on a…

24:54

comedy note because as you can see, Khalif is getting a little tense with the conversation. But if someone says to you mentally fucked up, do you automatically think like,  I think of completely like psychopath,  not okay. The scenario you’ve given, I would more think of just a traumatic situation, but not mentally fucked up in the head. No, I’m gonna tell you something, right? That’s the best way I’m gonna put it for you, right?

25:24

You think of, the way you think of things is a books way. Trust me, this is the way I’m gonna say it. The way you think of things is the books way. All right, you wanna be by the books. All right, no. Like- I don’t wanna be by the books. You’re by the books with it. Absolutely So you mean to tell me, them people that be sitting in the hospitals and crisis and everything else like that, and the mental institutions, they all think about killing people? No, they don’t. They minds be messed up in so many different ways because of the buildup and the hold back that they have.

25:54

that they don’t get to unleash it or vent their story to the point where all that buildup just puts them in a state of depression for the most part, or they just start acting erratic, who knows? But everything is a buildup, it’s a mental buildup until they break. And when they break, who knows what it is?

26:16

So mentally fucked up? Yes. If I think of somebody being mentally fucked up, they’re a serial killer. No.

26:22

You can be mentally fucked up and go through a great depression.

26:26

You can be mentally fucked up and just don’t want to wash your ass. That’s depression. But you’re not mentally fucked up. I mentally fucked up. It’s still depression. Depression, whatever the case may be. Majority of the stuff is mental, all right? It’s because you’re thinking about all the scenarios. You’re thinking about all the situations. You’re thinking about what if this, what if that. Thinking is not a bad thing. Why are you putting a negative connotation on thinking? I’m not putting a negative on thinking. You said you’re thinking about this, you’re thinking about that. Okay. Because it has to do with mental. That’s why I’m saying it.

26:56

is acid-dual mental.

27:00

Man, this is a good because you got me interested in this one. This is the serious me. See the deep version of you. I mean,  it’s good to hear that. This is how relationship works. We are not always going to agree. I don’t agree with the individual at all. I do believe that there’s nothing wrong with raising another person’s child as long  as the parties have healthy communication style.

27:29

And a lot of times I will tell you it’s not healthy.  based off of what this individual may have. Okay, so when you say it’s not healthy, what kind of healthy are you talking about? It’s not healthy. Healthy how? It’s not healthy how? It’s not healthy how? Yeah. It could be something as simple. I mean,  there’s so many ways that it could be unhealthy. You want me to give you another scenario?  No, I’m just saying, like, what type of healthy are you talking about? Physical health, mental health?

27:56

It could be something as simple as let’s just say the three of y’all sit down and talk to each other and really have a conversation. It just goes to, even when you’re starting a relationship, these are conversations you should have  on  raising a family that people don’t do. Most people don’t have conversations about raising a family  until  she gets pregnant and then all of a sudden y’all trying to figure it out together. That’s literally what we did, nigga.

28:25

Yeah,  that’s very true. We did  what society typically does.  You don’t talk about shit. You don’t talk about finance, especially if you got together younger. Those are conversations you’re not having. You’re not talking about finances or how bills are gonna be paid. You’re not talking about parenting styles  because the same obstacles you would run into raising someone else’s child is the same obstacles you will run into

28:55

raising your own child. The difference is not lies. The difference is you did not naturally produce that child. That’s the difference because it goes the same along with adoption or stepchild. So it’s not only the same problems.

29:10

It is going to be the same problem. no it’s not. Cause you know what I can say? This is not my kid, I don’t gotta keep on going forward. But why would you say that? You’re an adult, act accordingly. Why would you say it’s not my kid, I don’t have to worry about it? Because she must’ve made you feel some type of way that you feel like you can’t discipline this child because y’all haven’t had the proper communication together. That’s why you saying that.

29:33

So that child respect me and I would that child’s ass. If that child respects me and I was that child as right now some you would know already. No, because if she told you I don’t want you to touch my kid, you would know that. And if there are certain things this mother says to me,  I’m in a relationship of a parenting boundary.

29:55

What I’m saying is- Nah, you’re stating something here now. Listen to me. What I’m saying is that she may say something that is off the wall that you’re not comfortable with. What, you just gonna stay with her because her pussy good? If you don’t like the fact that you can’t, if she says to you, I don’t want you to discipline my child, I don’t want you to touch my child if there’s an issue presented to me, y’all either need to discuss it or you really need to ask yourself if there’s somebody I can see myself having a future with.

30:24

if there is so many stipulations when it comes to raising this child with her. You need to, that’s why I’m saying communication is important. You looking at it as, ain’t my fucking child, fucking get your kid. But bitch, you fucking me. But yet we can’t even raise this child together, but my pussy good enough for you to- You put stipulations on this child, right? But you want me to help you financially, physically, emotionally, right? You as a man.

30:50

can make your own decision and walk away from what doesn’t serve you because she should not be putting you in any financial decision that you don’t want to be in if you already know that raising this child with her is going to be a fucking headache. And this is the reason why adults need to take accountability because you putting yourself in a mentally fucked up situation because you want pussy. There you go. At least you know, at least you know. So you can’t say that

31:20

Oh, you know, that’s not my child. Get your kid. Get your kid, you’re right. I’m still gonna say that shit 100%, get your kid. So see, adults not be accountable.

31:33

The parent is not being accountable either. How can you stipulate that relationship if you want to bring a child in school but you want to be with me at the same time? Listen, I I love you. I love you. You know what mean? I’m just letting you know I got a child, this and this and that. I’m about to ask you to do anything for the child. If you want to, you can. Cool, because it’s the of communication that you’re talking about. If you want to, cool, this and this and that. But I don’t want you to discipline my child. If you have any issues with my child, please bring it to my attention.

32:01

You’re using the word I love. You falling in love with people No, no, no, no, we’re not, we’re talking. You said I love you. We’re talking about a situa, we’re just talking about situations. Situations. I know, but you’re using love in the situation. much as you crazy as talking about, it’s gonna be him talking or her talking. Like I said, I’m just going on the broad horizon of it though. You feel me? But anyway, bring on her and listen, I don’t want you to stay here, touching my child. If you have any issues, please bring it to my child. I mean, please bring it to my attention. All right, cool.

32:30

You over there at Jamaica party and I got, I’m sitting here trying to be a stepdad. I’m picking the little nigga up from school, little mamas up from school, dropping off of school. Let’s say the teenagers dropping off the work, they start getting out of character. I’m trying to say and straighten things out. Don’t want to bother you cause you on your vacation. You know what I mean? Give me your little messages, insights. You might be communicating with the child or he might be communicating with the child, but yet.

32:59

Everything that I’m complaining about or she’s complaining about is still going on.

33:06

You’re mentally fucking with me now. You know that, right? Because at the end of the day, if I’m serious, let me just discipline the child the way I fucking need to, you feel me? Until you get back. Then you can take control of it.

33:18

Again, I hear what you’re saying, but why would you put yourself in a situation that you’re not even happy with? Because you’re still talking about happiness, right? I’m not talking about happiness. Do you hear what you’re saying? saying you’re not happy with? No. You just said to me, she going on vacation, the child-

33:40

You’re saying the individual is going on vacation, right? And all these stipulations you knew about before she left or he or she left for the vacation, you could have said no, but  you decided to watch the child. Remember talking about living together  at that point. yeah. that means what that tells me is a scenario you given me is you deep into it. uh He was deep into  it when he was talking the way he was talking about. can’t be deep into it.

34:09

because he was just giving a simple situation  of that men that raise, and  first of all, I know you bringing females into it, but he’s saying men, I don’t even know how he feels about women raising other, you know. Women’s kids? No, women raising men’s kids. I don’t even know how he feels about that. But what he’s saying is men that raises other  women’s, men’s children, other men’s children.

34:38

are mentally ill, they have mental issues. And they can go both ways is what I’m saying. And what, based on the scenario that you gave you, that you gave me, what I do know is that poor communication will result in ineffective relationships. Because if y’all two spoke to each other  before it got that deep.

35:03

before you moved in with that female so you could set some healthy boundaries so you can know,  is this something I can sustain for the longevity? Putting all these stipulations about your kid. Now listen, if me and you was a mother fucker separate, right? I’m gonna give you some real one. If me and you was a separate, right? You find your man and he do anything on either one of my kids. Don’t care how you put it, I’m pulling up. We out of problems.

35:28

Ryan’s about to be 18. I’m just talking, we ain’t talking about age here. Yes we are because I’m tell you right now. of it as in general, not as a, just speak of it as in general. Forget the age part. Speaking of it as in general, You in a relationship, you in a relationship with another man and a man sit here and put his hands on my child, I want smoke. Bottom line, ain’t no reason to talk about nothing. My background is different. I came from the streets, so guess what? We gonna do street shit. I’m pulling up, you touch my child?

35:58

we have in that situation, bottom line. Now, if you want to sit here because the way you was brought up, oh, we could just talk about this and this and that, no. I ain’t saying I’m condoning violence. I mean, that’s- I’m telling you the truth. That’s something different. And when I say that’s something different, I mean, based on our scenario, if I was to get with somebody else, there’s no reason really for them to be having that much interaction with Kalia and Kalief unless-

36:27

you know, they’re meeting up for something,  the interaction would be simple because they’re of age where… Forget the age part. We’re just talking about a relationship  supporting another female or another male with a child.  You want me to forget the age part, but I’m just giving a scenario, baby. Yeah, forget the age part. You gotta forget the age part. I don’t have to do anything. I’m giving my opinion. I don’t have to do anything. You just need to sit and listen to my I stand on this.

36:54

I will stand on this. And that’s you have every right to stand on it. man violates another man’s child, regardless of the situational circumstances. Violate, you using some strong word. Violates, yeah, putting their hands on another man’s child, you motherfucking right. In what type of way, like beating them? Beating them, whatever, it  don’t matter. Violating the child in general.

37:17

I want smoke, especially if it’s mine. So now you bringing up something different because now you’re talking about, because you first, said earlier, see, I can’t whoop that kid’s ass how I want. Now you talking about someone violating your own, but earlier you said you wanted to whoop somebody else’s child. If I can’t, listen, if I’m supposed to be, if I’m stepping as the dad and fulfilling the shoes as a dad and I’m doing everything else and I know I can’t put my hands on this kid, come on now.

37:47

Because of that situation I just went off on, you know what mean? That dad or that mom might wanna come through and whoop the mom’s ass or whoop the dad’s ass. Plain and simple, my background. My background. Not yours, mine. I’m only speaking from me right now.

38:07

You didn’t have a stepdad. No, I was raised by my aunts and uncles, Yeah, and they whooped your ass when they needed Faithfully, because I was bad. You needed it. Trust me, it was needed. I don’t think you, you probably just… Yeah, and that’s why I was on my own at 16. Well, not really on my own, but on my own at 16, now you get a beating sense. You chose that. Your family’s very supportive. Exactly.

38:33

So you chose that bionyon at 16, because you ain’t wanna listen. listen. top of that, how we was raised. How was we raised? Especially if you grew up in the 60s, 70s, or 80s, man. If somebody hit you, hit them back. Baby, you was born in the 80s. Yeah, exactly. And guess what? It followed all the way through. If somebody hit you, hit them back. I mean, yeah, but Your mom dad never told you that? If somebody hits you, hit them back? No, they didn’t. OK, cool. My mom told me, my aunts told me, my uncles told me, my cousins told me.

39:02

Guess what, if somebody hits you, hit them back. What’s that got to do with step kids? Because guess what? If that man,  if that woman hit my child and my child don’t hit him back, they’re ass with him right after that. They are? Facts.  You think I’m playing?  I was raised different, man. That’s a different cloth right there. It’s a different cloth? That’s a different cloth. oh So if I had a child with somebody else, would you help me raise him?

39:32

and I would set some stipulations and boundaries with you. That’s a heavy one. What you doing with it? What do mean that’s a heavy one? Just answer the question. You should know. We can adopt. What do you mean adopt what? We can adopt. Oh, so what you’re saying is if I had a child with another man, you wouldn’t help me raise that child? You talking about before I met you? I’m talking about present day. It all depends on how deep that love was. What do you mean, the love for the other individual? Love for you.

40:03

Oh,  oh, look at that.  Hey, I’m giving you. are reversed. Yeah, because guess what? I had another child on you. Guess what?  How deep your love was for me is why are you staying? Ah, no.  No? Your words to me when you was 17, 18 was, if I have another child by somebody else, you out the door. No, no, no. You’re  segueing back.

40:29

Absolutely, but you don’t know until you’re in a situation truly, seriously what’s going to happen. And we already had two children. you kind of like mixing the conversation up because what I’m saying at 17 as opposed to- I’m up your baby dad. I let you carry the baby. I’m beating that nigga the fuck up faithfully. I’m gonna treat that as a relationship. Why? Why would you do that? You was fucking my bitch.

41:01

Oh man. What? So you would help me raise them. You don’t know what you would do. Depending on how deep the love was. You don’t know what you would do.

41:10

You can’t say it depends on how deep the love up with. That’s why love is conditional. That’s why love is conditional. Love is definitely not unconditional. Because we don’t, if we really did things out of love, it would be a perfect world. All right, cool. right. All right. Hey man, that’s a 50-50 situation. All the way around the board. What, where he’s in somebody else’s man?

41:40

I mean, child, yeah, sorry, raising somebody else’s child. Yes, yes, yes. Like uh that pop the balloon uh stuff that was going on. What’s the pop the balloon? The one that you were always saying, oh, you always watching that. When we come up on Instagram. So anyway, right, so the dude asked, the lady asked the guy, how does he feel about people with children? He said he has no problem being in relationship with a woman that has a child.

42:08

but the father has to be either dead or in jail for life. That’s literally what he said. That’s because there’s poor communication as adults. You talking about communication, this should don’t go with Babe, I’m sorry. You can say what you want to say about, you buy the books, you this, you that. It is very much possible.

42:28

to raise a child that you have with somebody else as long as the communication between the three or four parties. I don’t know how many people involved. No, we’re just flipping rules. mean, whether it’s the mother having a child. Yeah, but if she has a boyfriend, the other biological parent may have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. That’s why I’m saying it. But see, you take this, that’s your way out. You’re way out on I’m not way You’re way out on that one.

42:55

Cause let me tell you something, when it comes to parenting, it’s technically speaking supposed to be the parents. You feel me?  And  that’s it. Now, if the relationship goes, communication,  that’s when you, I guess you could say that’s where him and her and her and him and the child, whatever case it’ll be, whatever. But yeah, damn, you just fucked up my thoughts with that one. Where was we at with that?

43:24

You fucked up my thoughts. How the fuck am be of thoughts? You forgot what you was gonna say? Yeah, I did. What I was saying  is that it can work. I was basically commenting on what you’re saying and saying it can very much work as long as the parties are communicating.  You can have an effective… But then, now… Combined family, and it will work. Now, that’s the crazy part about it, right?

43:54

And this is just going off of people with different personalities, right? Now, what if you got a ratchet-ass motherfucking baby mom? And now, mean, you’re taking care of the child. The father’s taking care it. Got the custody of the child, taking care of the child. In relationship, they’re building the bond. They’re doing everything else like that. But you got this ratchet-ass baby mom that just keep on pulling up to the house, starting issues. You feel me? Or let’s say you got a hood-ass baby dad, you know what mean? Or father, you know I mean, whatever. And he constantly pulling up to the house, trying to torture this and this and that. And now, all of a sudden,

44:24

The stepfather is here and doing everything he can for this child, like I was saying, you feel me? And he got this ratchet ass, hood ass dad that just wanna keep on coming up like, nigga, that’s my son. I mean, that would never be your son, whoot, whoot, whoot,  And that stepfather like, yeah, well, if that’s your son, why ain’t you doing for him? Because from my point of view, nigga, I’m the one taking care of Nigga, he living in my house. I’m over here raising this little nigga. Or this little lady. If you know Sherley well enough, you know what I’m gonna say? You say what you want.

44:54

What do you mean? Say what you want. Say what you want. Come on. Know what you’re gonna say, but go ahead. Let me hear. No, I ain’t. Say what you’re gonna say. I ain’t, no, we’re not doing that. Say what you’re gonna say. We’re not doing that. Yeah, we’re not doing that. Oh, he’s such a kid. That’s an immature person. Because you can’t tell, first of all, you talking about ratchet. So immature. Those are immature people you’re dealing with. And that’s what makes, that’s what makes.

45:22

parenting when you have, um what’s the word I’m looking for? The word just left me. When you have blended families and you have to parent, if you have someone who’s small-minded in their thinking, who  shitty ass communication,  you know, thinks, who doesn’t see anything from…

45:48

Anybody else’s perspective they only see their way and their way only my way is right If you don’t listen to me then oh fucking well when you dealing with people like that That’s what makes parenting extremely hard because they see everything in a box What would you see yours in a circle? I’m very well rounded in my thinking sir

46:13

Anyway. Anyway. I am. very well-rounded in my thinking. But to answer your questions, when you got a father… I’m very well-squared. I know. You see things one way, Caliph’s way, and it’s hard for you to No, I don’t really see it my way, but for the most part… Baby. For the most part, I do. Not 100 % my way, Baby. 99.9. You see things your way. Well, 99 % of the time, I see it my way. really…

46:43

like to consider other opinions and options. It’s your way.  And a lot of times it’s people need to figure out how to make it work for you. You don’t like to be too uncomfortable. Right. Hell no, I don’t like to be uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable right now.  I know why you got me on this podcast too. I was thinking about this the whole time. You know the real reason you got me on this podcast? Cause you said, I don’t really talk to you. So this is our way of communicating. Remember what Mancho said?

47:09

It is, it’s a way for you, I mean, you must not be listening when we go to therapy. And I actually have to schedule an appointment No the fuck you don’t.  I will. I don’t need to see them people. They’re not them people. I know, I don’t need to see them people. But to answer your question, it is  a way. Listen, relationships are hard, babe. I don’t know what you got in your head thinking like,  you sharing a life  with someone you met.

47:36

You know, I mean, we met at 14, but when you in a relationship with somebody, you don’t know what age you’re gonna meet them. Relationships are fucking hard. I don’t know why people have in their head that, oh my God, it’s like running through a field of flowers and it’s gonna be great. It’s not gonna be great all the damn time. I piss you off, you piss me off. That’s why love is- You don’t piss me off. You just get on my nerves. Either way, relationships are very hard. And see, that’s another thing, right? Relationships are Yeah, you could say that, right?

48:05

What I was gonna say. You done sidetracked me, see? What would you wanna say? You’re a sucky listener, I forgot. I forgot what I was gonna say. You said something and I was going to say something about relationships because they’re hard. And I forgot what it was we was talking about. You just completely sidetracked me. Go ahead. Yeah, you could say they’re bloopers, but I don’t want you…

48:34

You said something about why had you on this podcast, right? That’s what I was commenting on. So let me finish saying what I was saying. One of the reasons why I created the podcast  is because I’m tired of social media creating  unrealistic promises to people who are in relationships, especially now since we have cell phones and we’re posting and we do this. I try to be mindful when I post, but I…

49:02

try to be genuine in my posts. I’m not saying that, you know, people should be posting negative things, but you should also watch what you post because it affects others. It really does affect other people’s relationships. The reason that you’re here is because I would like us to be a beacon of light to others to know that there is life after a traumatic situation. We’ve both been through traumatic shit, okay? But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road.

49:31

I don’t come on this podcast making it seem like, my life is fucking perfect. And you know, I just got it all fucking together. No, I don’t have it all fucking together. My opinion, you may not agree with it, whoever’s listening. People may not agree with you, whoever’s listening. I mean, even us right now doing this podcast, we have two different viewpoints on a matter that I brought up to you. Is that okay? That’s absolutely fine. But it’s when two parties don’t know how to agree to disagree. But the real reason you’re on here,

50:00

It’s not because for you to talk to me. It’s because for us to help other fucking people. Really? You know what I gotta say? If you know me well enough, what would I be saying right about now? You don’t give a shit. My point exactly. Fuck them people. This is just going to be us having this discussion and letting people know. You enjoy this shit because do. swear, I do. do. I do. I do. What? You enjoy every bit of this podcast.

50:29

You really like being on here and I have to create controversial conversations for you to really like that side of you to come out. Cause look at you, got a little heated earlier when you were like, fuck yeah. Hey man, listen man. see, let’s see the whole thing about it. I ain’t gonna say I was heated, but you know what mean? It’s just like, it’s something I can relate to. You know what I mean? So if I can relate to it. How can you relate? Maybe.

50:56

Those ain’t my kids upstairs. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you the whole time. If anybody can relate, it’s me who can relate. You don’t know what it feels like to raise somebody else’s child. But I can be hurt about it. No, don’t feel no. Fuck, I’m not going to be sad. You be hurt when you ain’t do nothing. See, that’s why I said it. I don’t want to bring other things in, man. You know what I mean? What? What? Missing my… have you raised? Two upstairs. No, that’s not yours. I ain’t raising… Oh, I ain’t raising nobody’s kids.

51:23

Exactly my point. So you can’t even connect with what this man is saying. Yes, I can. How? Yes, I can. You can give your opinion. I’m the nigga that’s going to be on the other side fighting for my baby.

51:37

Rude up, that’s what I’m telling you. Fightin’ for your daughter? No, I’m just saying in general. I ain’t whining about it, what mean? Oh, I mean, you ain’t raise those step kids. This is all just based off I do got step kids. I do got step kids, man. You know, remember my little nigga I just brought to Bootsboro? That’s my little nigga, man. That’s my son. You ain’t raise that man? I ain’t raise That little man? No. You did not raise him. That’s my guy, though.

52:07

I still might know that, Shaggy, but I will not be purchasing any more boots. Yeah, that’ll be all right. I will not be purchasing any more boots. I have to set a budget around here. Ain’t no budget. But… Ain’t no budget. The next budget is a Harley budget, another one. I’m gonna get myself need a Road King. You gonna get your trike. Myself a trike. Yeah, you gonna get your… I need… Listen, I need me another Harley. Road King. That has nothing to do with Sherley. You gonna be on that. I’m gonna get you on two wheels before you get on three. We young.

52:37

We can get you the little three, four hour rides and I may be good. So we didn’t get a chance to talk about intimacy in a relationship, but we will continue that topic on another podcast. I can’t wait for that one. Intimacy in a relationship, that’s going to be an interesting topic. um Can’t wait for that  one. know, Khalif obviously has different viewpoints when it comes to raising someone else’s child. Fuck them kids.

53:07

I don’t agree at all. I think it is a very doable situation when the adults take accountability and they communicate effectively when it comes to  raising the child. And don’t put yourself in situations, compromising situations that you don’t want to be in. We all have choices in life and we make conscious choices every day. And

53:36

Some of our choices we just gotta live with.  But when it comes to being in a relationship with somebody and knowing that they have a child, either maybe you should date someone with kids if that’s something that’s touchy or difficult for you because when I So gonna have years on in situation ship? Well, when  I knew, and I’ll give you,  I knew when I was younger,

54:05

I did not want someone with children. So there’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries that work for you. Why? Because I did not want to deal with what was going to come. Especially now, could that situation have changed and maybe I fell in love with somebody that had children? Absolutely. But the path didn’t go that way. But I knew when I was younger, I did not want a man with kids. Why didn’t you want a man with kids?

54:33

I didn’t want a man with kids because I didn’t want to have to deal with him  and the mother of his child because  that person is going to be part of the relationship. Hey, guess what y’all? Guess what y’all?

54:53

We just found out that she didn’t want to be mentally stressed out by dealing with somebody that already had a child when she joined that relationship. So you know what she just did? Do y’all know what she just did? I ain’t gonna say nothing because she’s gonna have something else to say about it, but y’all know what she just did. What I just did was I answered his question. Besides answering my question, the topic of this show, she answered her own shit. I still don’t agree with him.

55:23

Allegedly. still don’t agree with him. What I did was I set a boundary when I was younger. I was 17 years old. If I’m why would I want to date somebody that had kids? 17 if we met at 14 and 15 like now I’m confused. You was thinking about leaving me then. No, I didn’t want someone with children. you had listen, if you had a child with somebody else, believe me, we would not be sitting here together.

55:49

Cause that’s something I knew I did not want then and we weren’t deep in. So, you know, you was out there fooling around, having fun because we were just friends with benefits in the beginning. So if you had gotten yourself into a situation, I would have walked away peacefully. I was coming to your house with the book bag, the PlayStation, the baby and the Pampers. I would have not, I would have opened the door like, Kalief, why are you here? You know you love me.

56:22

No, see, see, you see how you want love. But yet when I tell you, if I have a child with somebody else, are you going to help me raise it? Now you set in conditions.  That’s a good condition. That’s a good condition.  don’t agree. You can definitely. And if I was to leave now, you talking shit. If I was to leave you, I would definitely now not have a problem dating someone with children. Why? I’m older.

56:55

I have learned a lot. you if you separate, I’m still gonna be at the spot. I need food. That’s not my problem. new girl could give you food. I ain’t done all that, man. Fuck that. I ain’t gonna leave a relationship to get into another relationship and not know how that bitch turned out. Fuck that. Got me fucked up. I’ll be at your house, you still cooking my food, still washing my clothes. Wishful thinking. That’s how you say straightforward. Wishful thinking. And I’m gonna have a key. Absolutely not.

57:23

Absolutely. I’m be like, I’m gonna be like females that wanna be in a relationship with a nigga, right? I’m gonna be leaving drawers all over that house on the stash. I’m gonna have to help you find somebody and then she gonna be calling me like, girl, Kalief pissed me off again. I said, I told you, don’t waste your fucking time. The next thing you know, we gonna be in a poly relationship. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Mm-mm, mm-mm, no. But anyhow, guys, till the next episode, everyone have a great one.

57:51

and share with us your thoughts  on  raising  another man or woman’s child. And is that something that’s a deal breaker for you? Have a  one.

58:20

Never miss an episode.  Chat with you soon.