Why We Need to Talk About Sex Before Marriage

This content is shared for storytelling, educational, and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy.

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When I think about how much of a taboo any conversation about sex before marriage still carries, I’m left a little stumped. That’s exactly why I wanted to write this. Even today, sex is a topic we don’t like to discuss freely or feel comfortable talking about candidly. But the reality is simple: sex is a part of our lives. It’s a part of our relationships. And that makes it an important topic worth being honest about.

Just as love is a beautiful thing, sex is a great thing — and it’s made even greater when you find the right, compatible partner, and greater still when you’re in a healthy, ongoing relationship built on trust. So why does everything go quiet the moment someone brings up sex before marriage?

Before we go any further, I want to be clear about one thing. Everything I’m sharing here is my personal opinion, shaped by my own experience and my own relationship. I’m not writing this to change anyone’s mind, and I’m not offering this as professional or clinical guidance. I’m simply opening up another side of the conversation so you can see the benefits as I see them, and then decide what feels right for you. If you weren’t expecting me to make the case for sex before marriage — well, let’s get into it.

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Why Sex Is Still Such a Taboo Topic

Sex before marriage can be a sensitive subject, and a lot of that comes down to personal preference. Much of the hesitation and the personal bias against it is rooted in religion, and not everyone is religious — and even people who are religious have their own questions and concerns. So we end up with a real disconnect in a world that, frankly, keeps turning because people have sex and create new life, married or not.

I respect every reason a person might choose to wait, and I’ll get to the real benefits of waiting in a moment. But I think the silence itself does us harm. When we treat sex as the one subject too uncomfortable to name out loud, we walk into our most intimate relationships with less information than we’d accept in almost any other part of our lives. We can do better than that, and being able to talk about it openly is the first step.

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Sexual Compatibility Is Just as Important as Emotional Connection

In my honest opinion, being sexually connected to your partner is just as important as being emotionally and mentally connected to them. Think about it. When you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone — which is the hope, right? — you want to know that the two of you are sexually compatible and connected. You want to know you can meet each other’s needs, that you both want to, and that you both freely consent to it. You don’t just want to be someone’s partner emotionally. You want to be their partner physically, too.

Sexual compatibility is a major priority in any romantic relationship, and the only way to understand each other’s needs is to communicate about them. Whether you choose to have sex before marriage or not, you still need to know how to talk about it, and you need to be willing to. Clear communication and genuine consent will take your relationship a long, long way — further than almost anything else.

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Why I Also Believe in Living Together Before Marriage

There are two things I strongly believe should happen before marriage: sex, and living with the person you want to spend your life with. Committing to live with another human being for the rest of your life is no small decision, and not everyone is compatible to actually live with. It’s best not to be surprised by that if you can avoid it.

By living together first, you get to gauge what you’re willing to put up with, what you’re willing to compromise on, and how the two of you find a rhythm under one roof. You learn to live together so there’s harmony — and so there’s no enormous learning curve waiting for you the moment the honeymoon high wears off.

For me, I want to know who my partner is when he wakes up in the morning. I want to know his routine at night. I want to know how he moves through his day and uses his time, and what kind of attitude he carries from the moment he wakes up to the moment he closes out the day. Learning the sexual side of my partner is similar. It matters to me to understand how the person I’m with makes me feel, and how to make him feel his best when we come together. You learn that by paying attention and by talking — not by guessing.

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The Case for Waiting: Honoring the Other Side

Now, I don’t see anything wrong with saving yourself for the one person you choose to spend your life with. Before I share my reasons for believing in sex before marriage, I want to name a real and beautiful benefit of waiting, because I see it clearly.

When you choose to wait until marriage, you get a certain peace of mind around your sexual health. You’ve been with no one else, so you don’t carry the same worry about sexually transmitted infections going into your marriage. That kind of clean slate is a genuine advantage, and it’s one some people don’t have when they enter a new relationship. So if waiting is your path, I honor that completely. There’s no shame in it, and there’s real value in it.

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My Three Reasons Sex Before Marriage Matters to Me

With all of that respect on the table, here’s where I land and why. These are the three reasons I believe in sex before marriage:

1. Sexual experience goes a long way.
2. Sexually knowing yourself benefits not just you, but your partner.
3. Compatibility makes sex with your life partner enjoyable — not just an activity to produce life.

Experience teaches you what you enjoy and what you don’t, so you can show up in the bedroom as a fuller version of yourself. Knowing your own body means you can guide your partner instead of hoping they stumble onto the right thing. And compatibility — real, lived-in compatibility — is what turns sex into something you look forward to rather than something you simply do. To me, those three things are worth being honest about long before the vows.

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Safe Sex Is Non-Negotiable

While I’m on team “sex before marriage is okay,” I want to stress something just as strongly: it’s always important to practice safe sex, no matter how many partners you’ve had. Being safe and responsible lets you step into a new relationship without having to disclose any possible harm to the other person, and that is a beautiful gift you should never take for granted.

So — safe sex, check. Now, saving yourself for that one person? That might be a wonderful choice for some, and I’d never argue you out of it. But it’s worth thinking about the flipside, too. What if there’s no excitement once you finally get to the bedroom, and the thing you were saving turns out to be an experience you don’t actually want with that person? Chemistry outside the bedroom is real, but it doesn’t automatically translate inside it. That’s just the honest truth, and it’s worth holding alongside everything else.

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We Talk About Money and Kids — So Why Not Sex?

Take a minute and ask yourself: are topics like having children, religion, and finances important when you decide to spend your life with someone? If your answer is yes to any of them — and for most of us it is — then ask yourself why the topic and the act of sex wouldn’t be just as important.

There’s a learning curve to parenting. There’s a learning curve to accepting or converting to a new religion. There’s a learning curve to combining finances and figuring out how another person spends and saves — or doesn’t. Sex has a learning curve too. You have to get to know each other’s bodies, wants, and needs. You have to be okay both providing for your partner and receiving from them. So why is this the one part of building a life together that we don’t want to bring up? It seems to me we’re doing ourselves a disservice when we wait until the vows are exchanged to even start the conversation.

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The First Time Is Always a Learning Curve

Here’s something Hollywood won’t tell you: the first time you have sex with anybody is going to be a little nerve-wracking and a little awkward, to say the very least. The truth is you don’t really start to loosen up and enjoy it until you’ve had a handful of times to practice. It will feel good, sure — but the first few times you’re only scratching the surface, especially if one or both of you is inexperienced.

To begin with, you don’t even know what you like and don’t like yet. Maybe you know how to please yourself, and maybe you can guide your partner as they’re pleasing you. But finding your groove together takes time, and that is completely okay. So take the pressure off having to deliver on impossibly high expectations on the wedding night — if you’re not too exhausted from the wedding day itself — and give yourself permission to get to know your partner before “I do.”

Sex is a huge process of trial and error. It takes time to learn what you enjoy and what your partner likes. Some people welcome that learning process on their honeymoon and see it as a safe space to explore, and if that’s you, beautiful. If it’s not, that’s okay too.

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A Suggestion Worth Considering: Pre-Marriage Counseling

I want to be honest with you here, because I’d never strongly push something I didn’t do myself. My husband and I got married later in life, and we did not attend pre-marriage counseling. So rather than tell you that you must, I’d offer this simply as a suggestion — something worth considering if it feels right for you and your partner. There’s so much we don’t think about before marriage until we’re already in it, and the truth is there’s no one-size-fits-all guidebook to any of this. For some couples, having a trusted, professional third party to help talk through the harder things can do a lot of good. If that kind of support ever feels like it would help you, there’s no shame in reaching for it — but only you know what’s right for your relationship.

And honestly? It might even be worth considering a sex therapist after the wedding, to go deeper with your partner — even if things in that department are already going well. Growth doesn’t stop at “I do.” It’s something you keep choosing, together.

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Make the Decision That’s Right for You

At the end of the day, this is your life and your body, and the choice belongs to you. If you really don’t want to wait for the person you think you’ll spend your life with, the right partner will understand. If someone loves you, they love you unconditionally. So make the decision that’s best for you, and don’t carry shame about it either way — because you know what’s best for you.

Whatever you decide, decide it out loud, with honesty and with consent. That’s the part that matters most.

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Key Takeaways

• Sexual compatibility deserves a place alongside emotional and mental connection when you’re choosing a life partner.
• Open communication and genuine consent matter whether you choose to have sex before marriage or wait — they’re the foundation either way.
• Waiting carries real benefits, especially around sexual health and peace of mind, and that choice deserves respect.
• Safe sex is non-negotiable, no matter how many partners you’ve had.
• We openly discuss children, religion, and finances before marriage — sex has just as real a learning curve and deserves the same honesty.
• Pre-marriage counseling is worth considering for some couples, and a sex therapist can help down the line — but it’s a personal suggestion, not a must, and reaching for outside support is always your choice.
• There’s no single right answer — only the choice that’s right for you, made without shame.

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Keep the Conversation Going on Sherley’s Show

If this opened something up for you, the conversation doesn’t have to end here. On Sherley’s Show, we talk about intimacy, communication, and everything in between — honestly and without shame. Here’s where to go next:

Real Talk Series — my partner Kalief and I sit down to talk relationships from both sides, including the conversations most couples avoid. Listen to the Real Talk Series.

Conversations — Kira and I go deep on healing, heartbreak, and rebuilding trust after it’s been broken. Tune into Conversations.

Interviews — I bring on guest experts to dig even deeper into intimacy, betrayal, and self-worth. Explore the Interviews.

Be Yourself. Voice Yourself. Love Yourself.

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Explore More on Sherley’s Show

If this topic resonated with you, here are episodes and posts from the show that go even deeper into intimacy, communication, and building relationships that last.

From the Interviews

• Sexual Expectations in Relationships — Sherley and guest Angela talk through the importance of physical connection in marriage, making love versus having sex, and the expectations couples rarely say out loud.
• Bernadette Bruckner on Sex & Relationships — A guest conversation digging into sex, connection, and what keeps couples close.
• Alex Scott Comes Back to Talk All Things Sex — A candid, no-shame return conversation about sex and intimacy.

From Conversations with Kira

• How To Survive In A Relationship — Kira and I get honest about the small frustrations and the big choices that decide whether a relationship makes it.

From the Relationship Blog

• How To Make A Relationship Work Even After A Heartbreak — Rebuilding trust and connection when the relationship has already been tested.
• Sex Before Marriage: Is It Important — The original article this expanded post grew from — my first honest take on the topic.
• Navigating Sexual Intimacy: Insights for Healthy Relationships — The fuller conversation this post grew out of — covering compatibility, communication, boundaries, and the balance of emotional and physical connection across all kinds of relationships. Start here if you want the whole picture.
• Saying Goodbye to Being the Side Chick — Knowing your worth and choosing the kind of love you actually deserve.

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Let’s Stay Connected

I’d love for you to come hang out with me beyond the blog. Follow along for new episodes, behind-the-scenes moments, and honest conversations about love, intimacy, and growth — and don’t be shy, come say hi:

• YouTube: youtube.com/@sherleysshow
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• Facebook: facebook.com/Sherleysshow
• Instagram: instagram.com/sherleysshow

Be Yourself. Voice Yourself. Love Yoursel

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Sherley’s Show is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary.

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Sherley’s Show provides an atmosphere where every woman is comfortable growing into their best self. Sherley’s Show is a no judgment podcast where we discuss how to rise strong out of all types of obstacles that come with relationships. Through personal life experiences and discussions ranging from infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self love, therapy and more, we offer words of empowerment as you strive to build and maintain all of the relationships in your life. You may be going through something that is unique and difficult. Sharing your story gives others comfort and could also be helping someone else. Let them know they are not alone. Everyone has a story, do not let fear hold you back.

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