00:00
It’s interesting, I wanna see what our listeners think to see if they believe that infidelity is something that can be taught as a young child, we’ll say young teenager, like, you know, 15 and up, when you start having those conversations with your children as you get older, is that something that truly can be prevented if it’s spoken about? Welcome back to The Sherley Show. I am your host Sherley.

00:28
Our discussions are going to be ranging from personal life experiences, infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self-love, and so much more. Let’s dive in, pull up a seat, make sure you’re cozy, and get ready to be challenged and encouraged while you learn with me, your virtual girlfriend. Welcome back to another episode of Sherley’s Show. And today we’re going to continue

00:55
The pain of deja vu part two. So when Kira and I left off, ah we were near the end. And I will tell you now, I don’t remember the questions. I like to be a little sometimes too unscripted. So I didn’t go back to see where we left off Kira, but I do know. I have no idea. So I don’t know where we left off.

01:20
But I do have a general idea where some of the questions, like I know these last three I didn’t answer here. I didn’t ask you. But I guess just to update us because for our listeners, it’s been three weeks from the last episode. So this is why I’m asking for an update. Cause I know it might seem like, well, I just listened to that episode last week because I don’t know how I’m going to post these yet. I don’t know if I’m going to do them.

01:49
one day and then do the next day to build some, what’s that word I’m looking for? Anticipation. Anticipation, there you go. Or if I’m gonna spread it out by two weeks, I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see as it gets closer when it’s posted. Because you have to let me know if you want me to post it more towards spring or summer or like beginning or end of winter.

02:16
I think.

02:19
I don’t know. feel like sooner better, but I also feel like I can post it right away and then we coming in hot. That’s my song too.

02:34
So yeah, mean, too, it’s like, I don’t know, I think to the where I were my headset, where my headset, where my mind has to be is like, what is the goal? Right? Like, what was the goal of me sharing it? What was the goal in like? And it’s obviously to help people and all of that and to just kind of.

02:58
look back to see where I was. So I don’t know. That’s a, it’s a good question. We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out. You’ll let me know before the year’s over. You’ll let me know. Okay. So before we start getting into some unscripted conversations, I think what I’m going to ask you next, this was good. oh How are you balanced in healing while deciding rather to stay or walk away?

03:29
Ooh, that’s a good question. How am I balancing healing while deciding whether to stay or walk away? Huh, I think the healing has to be for me the primary focus.

03:48
Because regardless if we stay together or not, I still have to be a healed person on either side, right? um So I think the healing is kind of taking precedence over the repair and the reconciliation. Because my focus is like on seeking God and also realizing that this is like

04:16
building character and I don’t enjoy that part. If I’m being honest, because I think the last time we talked, I felt a little more optimistic. Okay. If I’m being honest. Okay. And I think today I just feel kind of blah, like neutral, maybe like right in the middle or, um, but I think the healing has to be at the forefront. The way to balance it is just.

04:47
I’m reading my Bible a lot. I’m watching podcasts, I’m reading books, but I don’t wanna overload on information where I don’t allow myself to feel, but I don’t wanna sit in that offense for too long. Does that make sense? I don’t want to be replaying my emotions about it every single day because that’s not moving me towards healing.

05:16
So I guess the balance is just making that the priority over the repair, which kind of sounds selfish, but no. To me, it doesn’t, but I’m also speaking from experience. We have listeners who are going to be thinking about it. Like, I don’t know how strong these two women are, but they are like built like rocks. And then you have those, they’re going to be like two fucking idiots. Yeah. Sometimes I honestly.

05:46
If I’m being honest, that’s kind of what I’ve been struggling with the last few weeks. Like. But it comes with the territory. I know it’s a question I asked myself. Not now, not now, but you did when the situation. Absolutely. I’m like, I must be stupid because that’s how I feel. Most people would just immediately set a boundary, walk away and be like, I’m not dealing with this. This is where I say no. Yeah. But then I asked myself, I’m like,

06:15
Okay, all right. And the only reason I was able to look on both sides is because I was also a perpetrator. So I was able to also ask questions to reflect on myself. Well, how does your partner feel that you did what you did? And, you know, how do you think he’s dealing? So I don’t know. Sometimes I ask myself, is it because I was a victim and a perpetrator? And I think about this from a different

06:45
perspective as someone who has only been the victim, has no idea what it feels like to be on the other shoe and immediately is like, no, because most people, infidelity is definitely a no. Infidelity where a child is born is definitely, I ain’t even thinking about this. But what I realized when I spoke to a lot of people, I spoke to a woman this past trip that I came back from.

07:10
Because you know, galley therapy is always happening and I feel like people look at me and they just want to regurgitate everything to me. Same. And I’m like, I just want to read my book today. Like, can I please read my book? Okay, you want to talk? because they just feel like you feel like a safety net. I can tell you. You do too. Yeah. So she, her husband cheated on her and she tried. They went to counseling. They did try and it just didn’t work out.

07:40
You know, and I didn’t dive into too much because there were layers of situations that she was basically, sum it up, her 18 year old son got into a bad snowboarding accident and became a paraplegic 27 years ago. And you know, she, she takes it all in and it’s a lot.

08:06
I can’t even say I understand what she’s going through as a mother. dives into a lot. The young man who’s not a young man, he’s in his grown big age and his forties like me, because the incident happened in 99. Wow. He’s still depressed. He’s still depressed. He’s very angry about it. And he has siblings. He has an older brother and younger sister.

08:30
They do speak to their mother about it, but she definitely takes on more than she can bear and she’s getting older now. So it’s a lot for her to handle. before that, a few years before that, her and her husband split and they didn’t stay together. Interestingly enough, listen to this. Her husband had an affair where her best friend, best friend is still married with her husband, but she’s very, she’s very, she.

08:57
You know, even years later you hear her say, you know, her karma came because she lost both of her children. I’m like, Jesus.

09:08
Lord have mercy woman you are not healed. And you know. said that? She did say that. She did say that. I said do you think if it wasn’t your best friend you would have been able to stay with him? She was like I don’t know because we tried counseling. We tried to work it out. Wait did this lady’s both of her children died? Deceased. Surely. Please. And she said her karma came. I’m like. That’s not it. I know it ain’t it girl but you I ain’t saying that because she’s just.

09:37
throwing everything up to me. So it wasn’t even the space. And I always have to tell people like, and I even have to tell myself, I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m just giving you like free information based on my own life experience. It’s just life experience. That’s all I got. That’s it. I don’t have any. licensed therapist. I’m not a psychiatrist. I don’t even know why all this information is being divulged to me. But yeah. Wait, she said. She did say that. So.

10:04
Infidelity is such an interesting beast and how it happens. And I felt bad because like the woman was still married and you know, it’s still in her relationship and she, you know, she’s not, but she’s in a great relationship right now. So, and she found a great guy, but, she did say before her ex husband passed away, they were amicable. Okay. They were amicable. So I don’t know deep down why they couldn’t work it out.

10:31
It is weird. Yeah. But there’s more than just those three, but it’s interesting with infidelity and I have to be transparent with you. The same thing you said. I had those thoughts too. I consistently asked myself, am I stupid? What am I doing? Especially when people would say to me, well, why would you stay with him if he cheated? Why would you do that? Oh my gosh. You crazy. And then as soon as I turned,

11:00
the conversation to, there’s more to the story because I also cheated. Then they don’t know what to say. Then they’re like, oh, okay. You know, easy to like, it’s so easy to judge and like point the finger and want the justice immediately. But there are, there are a lot of layers. Many. My situation is not the same because I didn’t do anything. Exactly. Your situation is not the same, but.

11:28
it’s a repeat offender situation and how many chances do you give the offender? Right. And you know, I think like

11:37
We always talk about the boxes that our friends are in and things like that. And I remember when I told you and you were just like, I’m so sorry. Like, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I hate that you’re going through this. And that was kind of the general consensus with like the very few people that I told. But like my sister, my baby sister, she not with it. She’s just like.

12:02
She’s like a saloon ready to beat somebody up in the elevator. she’s like, what’s happening? Exactly. And I can appreciate that energy because it’s kind of like I want someone to have that to like validate my feelings. But then also like we laugh about it and I’m just like, you you gotta chill out. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Do you keep her distance from him? No. Well, she’s not. She doesn’t live local. OK. If she did, do you think it’d be like she’d be mean to him?

12:32
I think out of respect for me and respect for God, she would do her very best, but I don’t think that it would always be the right way. I think that she would have her moments. And I have another friend who’s like, you know, if you need money, I got you. you can, and it’s just like, thanks. I haven’t decided, but it’s like,

13:01
That’s a good thing that you have that much support though, girl. Yeah, it’s good. And it’s confusing. Really? It’s confusing because I feel like any decision will let someone down. But it has to be my decision and it has to be um like what I have peace about with God about, you know? But if you think about it, if you let if any decision is

13:29
you thinking that you’re letting someone down, do you also think about what kind of friendship is this? Because ultimately, this is my decision. You may not like it, you may not understand it, but you do need to respect it. How does that decision affect he or she’s life? It doesn’t. doesn’t. And it’s just, I think it’s just like the, I don’t know, the thought, because these are people that I care about that I know care about me. And I guess it’s more the thought of like,

13:59
I don’t want them to think I’m stupid or like I made a dumb decision. oh Either way. Which I know I shouldn’t care about, but I do because these are people that I care about. And we’re human and these are natural feelings. But also remember if you’re thinking about them, other people are probably thinking about them as well. Because if we think about, am I stupid? Is this the right move for me to make? You know your family and friends are thinking the same thing. Right.

14:27
So we’re going to move on to the next question. And this is great. This is a great segue. What kind of support from friends and family has been most helpful or not so helpful? Rather it’s even physical support, emotional support, spiritual support, mental support. What kind of support are you looking for? um

14:53
I’ve been getting, a lot of people don’t know, so that’s one thing. I think that…

15:01
um Using wisdom with who I share it with was important because I knew um I shared it with people who were all saved mostly and who would give me like sound advice that would lead me to God. I do have a few friends who are not saved that also know but have been through a similar situation. um

15:28
So it’s helpful to have their perspectives and their support. I think the best support you could get or to give someone is just to allow them space to make whatever decision they want and not try to lead them one way or another. um But to also like validate their feelings. Like I think it’s important when my sister is like mad, you know, or my other sister is like sad. And I think, eh

15:57
It’s important to have like spiritual guidance and it’s important to have, ah what is it? It’s like, like tangible logistical guidance of someone who has been through the process, right? Cause it’s just, you’re going to get a lot of different, I guess, feedback, but I don’t, it’s like, I don’t want too much feedback on what I should do. I want the feedback on how to.

16:26
process and how to heal, not like, and I prefer when people are like, I support whatever decision you make. Like that’s what almost every single person said. Like, whatever you decide, I’m going to support you. I’m going to pray for you, whatever, whatever, whatever. So yeah, I think I’ve been getting a lot of good support. I don’t think I’ve had any like bad advice, ah but I think pointing me more towards the healing

16:55
pointing me more towards what God is trying to do and teach me is like more important. That’s good. That’s good. And so now the other part is what has not been helpful. Did you say that? Anything that’s not been helpful in the people that you have told? Not really. I think if I were to…

17:19
say what wouldn’t be helpful would be for someone to be like, okay, you need to do this. Like you to just divorce and do this, or you need to stay. You have to stay. Like you have to give it another shot. you know what I’m saying? Like either end, no one has done that. Not anyone. I think if people do that, that could be harmful. Got it. Now from both of us who are mothers, if our children were in this situation, let me hear what you would say.

17:49
this was, let’s assume you had a daughter or a son. I mean, yeah, girls can do it too. Yeah, you’re right. The girls can do it too. So in your situation, since we do have a son, we’ll use your son as an example. And they came to you and said, happened again, mom. She cheated on me. For the third time. Yeah. I would tell them to leave. Would you really?

18:20
No, I think I would tell him.

18:24
I think I would tell him um what is his gut telling him and what is the Holy Spirit leading him in. And I would ask him if he’s prayed about it and what he’s feeling like, what he’s leaning towards. And I would tell him that I was sorry that that happened, but I would be upset. I would be angry for him on his behalf. I think.

18:50
I don’t think about that aspect as much. think about more that I don’t want him to be the person that’s doing that. And like how I can make sure I teach him that how you treat people matters, how you make them feel matters more than the I’m sorry, more than the words. Interesting you say that. Do you feel infidelity is something that can truly be prevented regardless what type of upbringing and life that you have?

19:22
Yes. Really? Yeah. Another thing we don’t agree in. I don’t agree in that. I feel like infidelity is choice. to it. Well, yeah. And I think that there can be propensities to it, especially if you come from a background where your parent has multiple children by different people, or you saw that in your family, it wasn’t like it, that was what was modeled for you.

19:51
I think it can be prevented if people focus more on their healing. This is what we started with, right? Because I believe that like hurt people hurt people. So if you don’t deal with whatever is going on within yourself, and this can be a plethora of things, can be insecurity, could be shame. I mean, like there could be so many things that cause you

20:20
to look outside of your relationship instead of dealing with the actual root issue. If people use their emotional intelligence to heal themselves, they won’t be out here hurting other people. Just like in your situation, like you stepped out of the relationship, but there was more going on with you, right? Like it wasn’t just,

20:50
what Khalif was or wasn’t doing, there’s things about how you were feeling that you didn’t communicate or you didn’t feel safe to or whatever, whatever. I feel like it can be prevented if we give ourselves or have the tools to know how to deal with that. I also think that some people just have a propensity to that. I’m not someone who does, I think I’m,

21:17
loyal to a fault, which is what I’m struggling with.

21:22
But yeah, I think it’s 100 % a choice, but it’s also like, I think hurt people hurt people.

21:31
What do you think? I believe in fidelity, preventing it is not something that can be taught. Now I don’t have any statistics to prove that, but I believe that we make choices in life and everything that we do. even if you saw um positivity in your upbringing, your parents were together the whole time, you’ve never seen anyone else and you have the same parents.

22:00
Being if you are not in healed place and if your relationship is falling apart, if you are in the wrong situation at the right time, it can cause infidelity. And remember, infidelity doesn’t always mean physical because typically infidelity starts off as a simple friendship and conversation, emotional. So.

22:28
I believe infidelity is a conscious choice as individuals that we make no matter how well you are taught as a child and your upbringing and what you saw. It is something that is inevitable. Inedible. Inedible. Yeah, yeah, you know what I’m saying? And it can’t be changed. It’s inevitable because

22:57
we all have free will and you’re saying like, it’s a choice to do it no matter what your upbringing is. That’s how I believe it. Not that it can’t be prevented. Yes, you can prevent it because you can be in a not a good situation and you’re aware that you’re not a good in a good situation and you remove yourself. So it can be prevented and you have to fight to prevent it. But it’s one of those things where

23:25
If you’re not in a good place in life, and you’re suffering with challenges rather emotionally, oh you’re self-conscious of the fact that like, okay, now my relationship is not good, the person I’m with, it’s just gonna go in the wrong direction. I don’t feel upbringing changes that, just like lying. Even though we grow up and we say we’re not supposed to lie, but we all set a little fib in our adult years.

23:55
Hear what I’m saying too. I do think, I 100 % agree with you that like it’s a choice, but I do think if it’s like once we get to that point where we’re kind of teetering, it’s like, you know that it’s wrong. Like, you know, you get to a certain point and you know if you cross that line, it’s going to be wrong. Like what I’ve always said is like, according to the word, like we’re all going to be tempted with something.

24:23
Each of us have our own temptations with what we struggle with, right? Something that’s in our heart that we struggle with. If uh lust is something that you struggle with and you’re always tempted with that, you know that you have to set a boundary so that you don’t cross it. The temptation is not the wrong part. Crossing the boundary is the wrong part. So I’m saying like, if we have more like tools, emotionally, like intellectually to be like, okay,

24:52
I know that when I’m feeling this, I’m getting close to this boundary. Do I be vulnerable and share that I’m struggling with this or that I’m feeling tempted? Or do I just swallow it and like give into the temptation? I’m saying that teaching those tools to Zaire and to your children, I think is helpful in them not making the decision because they have the choice, right, to cross it.

25:22
So in the sense, can it be prevented? think yes, but I also am in a hundred percent agreement with you that it is at the end of the day, it’s your choice, right? Like, you know, when you get to that point where you’re about to cross the boundary and it has to be a decision where it’s like, all right, I’m feeling tempted, but I’m not going to cross the boundary. Do you know what I mean? I can give you a really good example. um

25:50
There was a lot, a long time where I didn’t like to do Nork layovers. Um, you know, I’m from New Jersey and I had an ex that lives close to there. And I didn’t, I felt like the temptation would be too strong to just call him up and meet up with him. Um, I knew that if I did, he would drop everything to be there. Do you know what I’m saying? So there was that temptation where it’s like,

26:20
I know that this could happen to just make me feel better, like, or make me feel good about myself because I’m feeling insecure or I’m feeling like I want attention or whatever it is. But I knew that if I cross that boundary, the boundary I made for myself and did NORC layovers that I would not be in a good position. Right. So I avoided them. Um, that’s what I’m saying is like having the emotional intelligence to be like, all right.

26:49
I know that if I do this, it’s gonna put me over the edge and I don’t want to do that. Do you know what I’m saying? Completely know what you’re saying. But you still don’t think that’s part of it?

27:05
I agree with you, but I disagree in the fact because I agree with everything that you’re saying. I get the point that you’re trying to make, but I also believe regardless how emotional intelligent you are, we all fall victim and we get times. And that’s the part that, that’s the challenging part. So I get what you’re saying because you

27:30
consciously made a decision that you are not gonna do norc layovers because you knew there was something there that you did not need to be around. And you’re right, emotional intelligence is absolutely correct. But then even as a mother, when I sit here and think, I have never really had an in-depth conversation, even now at 17 and 18 with my kids yet, about infidelity. It’s only what they’ve seen present in our home.

27:59
And I’m going to have to have a conversation with them about infidelity. I don’t know when and how I’m going to squeeze that in. I’m probably going to wait till my son graduates high school because there’s a lot of things I have to on my to-do list about different conversations we need to have. And they haven’t really been in any serious relationships. So maybe that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t even thought about it too much, but it is something we need to touch base on.

28:29
When I think about emotional intelligence at 17 and 18, I was dumb as a brick of rock. I told you I had put Caliph at top, I was at the bottom, and then God was floating around somewhere. That was my emotional intelligence, you know. Well, there was something that you said that was like, you said you agree with everything I’m saying, but you just don’t know how it could just be like,

28:58
the emotional intelligence part to like make that decision. And this is the part where speaking as a Christian, right, where it’s not something that we can do like in our own strength. The whole purpose of having the Holy Spirit is like, he nudges us, he corrects us, he gives us discernment. Like there’s a lot of it that’s just like, I wouldn’t

29:25
be able to do it on my own. And that’s for all of it, including the healing process, because the emotions you know are so up and down and all over the place. It’s like.

29:41
If I allowed myself to just act on everything that I felt, I would have a cat, I would have a dog, I would have all the sneakers on Facebook Marketplace, the tires would be slashed, the car would be destroyed, the clothes would be in the trash. Like if I did all the things that I just want to react to, there would be chaos.

30:09
At first I thought you were taking this into a positive perspective until you said tire slash. I’m assuming he doesn’t like cats or dogs. Exactly. Okay. I already have a dog and I was just like, I really want another, I want a cat. I miss having a cat and then I will get a dog so my dog could have someone to play with. right? Like, got you, got you. Cause at first I was like, oh, she was going back. And then I was like tire slash. then I to the two into, okay. You see how crazy all of that was? Yes. Yes. So if I’m just,

30:39
relying on my emotional intelligence, it’s not that like, can’t just rely on that either. I can’t just rely on the upbringing. Like there has to be more that’s deep inside to navigate stuff like this. Because.

30:57
It’s hard. It’s interesting. I want to see what our listeners think to see if they believe that infidelity is something that can be taught as a young child, we’ll say young teenager, like, you know, 15 and up, when you start having those conversations with your children as you get older, is that something that truly can be prevented if it’s spoken about at a young age? I will say now.

31:26
You couldn’t pay me to cheat on anybody, but it’s because of the experience that I’ve had and it’s a shitty experience. This is the reason why I can’t seem to understand why people are repeat offenders when it comes to this just nasty, vile act that you’re doing. I don’t understand why. And that’s the part I will never understand.

31:53
detective work you have to do, you have to hide things, things have to be a secret. um It’s not something I enjoy doing. And I… takes a lot of effort, right? So there’s a lot of intention behind doing that. A lot of intention. And you know you’re doing wrong. You know that you’re doing wrong. So I don’t know how people repeat it over and over and over again.

32:19
It just doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know why it’s done. But interesting. We’re going to see what our listeners say. I think this is the piece I’m going to cut out for Instagram so we can hear what they have to say. On to the next question. Let’s do it. What advice would you give to someone who just found out their partner was unfaithful? This is a great topic for both of us.

32:47
And we just answered that slightly in our last conversation, but we can dissect. Don’t make any immediate decisions. That would be my first advice. um Don’t be reactionary. ah When you have such intense emotions, it’s hard to have clarity. I would not make any decisions for at least 30 days.

33:16
And if you are set on a decision, I would say within those first 30 to 60 days, you would just start setting yourself up and being quiet about what you’re going to do.

33:32
To add on to what Kara said, I would definitely incorporate therapy is going to be extremely important. that’s something you two have not already been doing, it’s going to be important. And if this is the first time that you’re gonna be going to therapy, believe me when I tell you the first therapist that you attend may not be a right fit. may have to- Date around, that’s what I call it. Date around. you find the right therapist, but therapy is-

34:02
extremely important, you need a licensed professional to speak with you because your friends are great to talk to, but that’s free therapy. And a lot of times they don’t know what direction to send you in. And even they get exhausted after a little while. They’re also emotional too. Yeah, because they’re probably on whoever’s, know, his friends, her friends, they’re going to be on their side.

34:26
Again, there goes that emotional intelligence. You have to have a very emotional, intelligent friend that doesn’t take sides and that gives you the information that you need. On top of what Kira said to add onto that, um take time out for yourself. I don’t know what that looks like. If your house is big enough to separate from away from each other for a little bit, that’s great. If it’s not, and you can maybe go stay somewhere for a little bit.

34:52
That is definitely going to be benefit because even I myself, had to do that. Just separate myself for a little bit because I didn’t want to look at them. I didn’t want to talk to them. I was just upset. um I’m trying to think other than those three, obviously pray about it. Pray about it. That’s number four. Definitely be a person of faith in this time you’re going to need it. Do not be reactive. As Kira just said,

35:22
Those thoughts will come into your head. Let me tell y’all, let me tell y’all a little secret about myself. One of the reasons why when I watch crime shows, I can be very understanding about the other party is because I’m a murderer. Yeah. Oh, okay. Absolutely. Girl, let me tell you, I could be very understanding because those glimpse of

35:52
things that I could have done, they did cross my mind. And I have no shame in saying I wanted to hurt somebody. And it wasn’t primarily Kalief. I wanted to hurt the other party real bad. And I have no- This is what I want to talk about. I had no problem. Like, and I would tell Kalief too, I would divulge all my feelings to him. I mean, it’s like, I wish she was dead. And if I had to have, I’ll definitely insist you, insist in you doing it.

36:19
And you know, people are like, oh my God, you can’t talk like that. You can’t say at the moment. didn’t give a shit. I didn’t care. But what saved me is I am a woman of faith. I may not go to church every day, you know, but I do pray. And I said, and I had to self reflect constantly. said, girl, do you really want to be living in a jail cell over this right here? I’m not set up for that. I’m not going to see my kids no more. So I had to constantly self reflect, talk myself off the ledge.

36:47
But I could definitely understand how in a quick moment, a wrong decision can be made. That’s why I’m not extremely so judgmental in these crime shows, because I’m like, people out here will piss you off and they think like everything a joke and they could just play with people feelings when it’s not that way. So. OK, I’m tracking, I’m tracking. mean, honestly, like if I’m if I’m going to be 100 percent transparent, I remember being

37:17
Like young I don’t remember how old I was but when the lady drowned all her kids Oh, I know who you’re talking about that lady and the two boys I think it was four kids. Was it four? It was a long time ago. Let me it a long real quick I think I think her name was Andrea Yates. that her name? But was that the one where her boys was sick and they had a really bad disease because you know There was another lady where her children was really sick. She had one in jail and they thought she was um, no

37:47
I’m talking about, I looked it up, Andrea Yates. She had five children who she drowned in her bathtub in 2001. Okay. So I was… I think I remember this story. Yeah, so she drowned all five of her kids. And I was young, at 2001, I was eighth grade, 13, 14.

38:16
And I remember being like, how could a mom do that to her kids? And then I had one child. And I’m having postpartum. I’m having postpartum anxiety. I’m by myself all day in a city where I don’t have any friends, any family. And I’m like, oh, I know how she did that. Right?

38:44
That’s another good topic for us to talk about. And that’s a very vulnerable, like honest statement, but it’s like, I only have one. And I was like, I want to put him back. This is a hard. So five small children, like maybe, maybe there are still people out there who’s like, I could never understand that or da da da. But like if you’re, and, know, now even today we’re, reading that postpartum can last for five years.

39:12
Like that’s crazy. So it’s like, you never know what you’re going to do in a situation until you’re actually in it. And I think it’s easy to pass judgment and point and say, I would never do this. Or when they hear our stories, like, I can’t believe she’s even considering staying or I can’t believe Sherley stayed, you know? Like it’s so easy to pass that judgment until you’re actually walking in it. And

39:40
can understand all of the emotions around it, but it’s like, yeah, you’re like, I can understand why people get to that point. And I remember when Zaire was an infant and I was not getting any sleep. I was like, oh my God, this is really hard. Like, I understand. That’s a good topic for us to talk about because I didn’t experience that, but you told me this before.

40:09
Yes, I had it bad. You did tell me you had it bad. I’m looking at her right now because I do remember watching this on investigation discovery because the fifth was a newborn girl. had four boys and the fifth one was a girl that wasn’t even six months old yet. Yes, they all look like they were under seven. They were little. Yeah, they were little kids. Yeah. So I think that it’s very easy to pass judgment and not saying.

40:38
Obviously, I’m not condoning anything that this woman did. And like, we’re not saying that violence or anything like that is appropriate, but I think we can be honest and be like, I understand the emotions that led to it. Transparency is important. People need to hear it because it’s okay to talk about what you’re thinking. It’s not okay to react towards those negative thoughts. So yeah, we’re not condoning any violence, okay?

41:07
And that’s why therapy is important. I to Sherley’s show and she said, you know, go out and do anything. Absolutely not. But, you know, it’s important that we talk about this because people are going through this stuff. And I think, I think like something for me that has kept me really is that like my son is watching, right? My son is watching. I want

41:35
to suffer well and like be a good example to him. It’s also like my sisters are watching and I’m a Christian before I’m a wife. I’m a Christian before I’m a mother. I’m a Christian before I’m a sister. So how I respond, I want to be in line with how God wants me to. And that is difficult to do. I’m not saying that this is easy, but I’m saying that

42:05
Sometimes that one thing is what keeps me from crossing the boundary or going over the edge. Do you know what I’m saying? I understand. I totally, we’ve been there. We definitely have been there. It’s interesting that those thoughts have come into your mind as well.

42:27
And we have a sense of understanding. Do you think that’s why we love watching true crime? Cause we can see the other side. think, yeah. I think for me, the interest is in the how it gets there, right? Like the mindset of the person who is the perpetrator. Um, but then I’m also very empathetic to the victims. You know, like I.

42:56
You know, I volunteer as like a victim services advocate. So I work with victims a lot. So I see their side and have a lot of empathy for it. Um, and I think it’s more, it’s just curiosity. Cause I think part of it is like, we know some of the emotions that may lead to certain situations, not all of them. Right. But we know like how to stop it or, we know like to not cross the boundary. I’m always like.

43:25
How do they get to the point where then they’re like, I’m gonna murder her or I’m gonna kill him. And I’m like, that’s why, or I’m gonna keep killing people. I’m a sociopath and I’m a psychopath and I’m a serial killer. It’s just like, think it’s the mindset of just like trying to see how they get to that point is the curiosity aspect of it.

43:49
I don’t know, but I’m not like…

43:53
I don’t know, I’m not like squeamish and stuff about it and all that. No, it’s definitely a dark side of me that I have no shame in sharing. have no shame in sharing. If I could go back and change things, I would have been a forensic pathologist because there is something interesting about a dead body. I’ve been to a live autopsy. I’ve seen one. they actually had us in the room. wasn’t like, he was already deceased, he wasn’t being autopsied, but he was dead.

44:23
laying there. think he donated the body. a live autopsy. Interesting. I’m so glad I did it and I don’t ever need to do it again. Really? I’m very fascinated by that. If I could go back, that’s what I would definitely have wanted to do. I do, I will say too, that like I took a break from watching that stuff while I’ve been processing all of this. I don’t think that’s helpful to watch murder and- It encouraged me.

44:51
I enjoyed every last bit of it. That’s how much I feel like I’m very much controlling my emotions and I process things a lot. Uh-uh. Actually it helped because when I was flying away, being away helped me. And then I was in the room watching Snap. I said, you see, this is what I could be doing. my to turn it off. What? No. Had to turn it off. Had to turn it was like, no, no. Had to turn, nope. Had to turn it off. Had to turn it off. No.

45:18
That’s thing that’s so different between you and I. Kara’s like, no. And I’m like, give it to me. And I love it. You know how much I love it. you do. No, I had to turn it off. I understand. Because my mind’s already in a very fragile state. I had conversation with my friends, girl. And when I was at that point, I was like, girl, let me tell you what I want to do right now. Wait, pause. I wanted to ask you a question that

45:47
I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you. I know that you were saying earlier like, yeah, I don’t care if she dies and da da da da. Did you ever have any like empathy for her at any point? Empathy? Yes.

46:11
I mean, obviously I want you to be honest, but. Yeah, I’m going to figure out how to.

46:19
Um, let me figure out empathy. Empathy is not the right word. I think. Are you looking for a definition? No, not empathy. Empathy is not the word that I want to use. Empathy is the ability to understand someone’s feelings. Yeah, because apathetic is the opposite. m I’ll be honest with you.

46:49
I’ll honest with you, even till this day, I don’t give a shit about her. I don’t give a shit about her. I’ve forgiven the situation. I don’t give a crap. If you really want me to be transparent, her and I will never be friends. There’s no reason for us to be friends, no reason for us to speak. And I always say, when Kalief passes away, I will make sure she can’t even enter into the church. Like, I don’t…

47:17
That’s why I don’t understand like when like certain things take place and then people are like friends and great buddies Like I don’t know like I don’t need to be your buddy Okay. Now I will tell you this because I’m very mature and intelligent Yes, did watch my stepdaughter and people are like, well, how were you able to divide the two? She’s a child

47:42
Exactly my point. That’s who I felt sorry for because at that moment in time I said you got two stupid ass motherfuckers out here procreating and this poor baby is now a victim of some foolish ass shit. So it has nothing to do with any of that. Exactly. I had no problem with her. But as for the mother, you know what I would say? I said, you got the right one because you lucky I got sense.

48:11
and I ain’t gonna do nothing to you, but let you go mess with somebody else who halfway crazy, they’re gonna beat the shit out you. And I wish a lot of times I say, Jesus, why do you give me so much understanding? Because honestly and seriously, I just really wanna beat the shit out of her. So I gotta be honest with y’all, know, this is transparency at its greatest. oh I’m very healed. And could I be in a room you? Yes, I can be in a room with her.

48:39
but it’s giving. But let me tell you, healed looks so different. I feel like I’m not healed and funny and phony. Like I don’t wish, put it this way, she is a mother just like I am. If this man died, God forbid, you would not let her come to his funeral with her child. okay, you know what, girl? No, she will be.

49:06
I will make sure my sister-in-law and the whole family know y’all stand right out here at this door. This is her picture. Make sure she ain’t coming in. She don’t need to come in. Now the daughter- I don’t more than welcome. What you need to come in for? You don’t need to grieve. Girl, please. But she’s, she could be grie- she’s grieving for her daughter’s loss. Yeah, not my problem. She can find another way to grieve. She’s not coming to the funeral. You’ve healed on parts of it. I’ve healed fully because I’ve never- on parts.

49:36
never gave a shit about her. But let’s be honest, Kira, am I really supposed to give a shit about her? So that is the question, right? Because I remember when I’m finding out all the things, I asked specifically, like, did they know you were married? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I would talk to them directly, he said you guys were separated.

50:04
or you’re not together. And I’m like, huh, obviously then that leaves me in a place of like, I don’t know what side to believe, right? um Then there’s others who were like, yeah, I knew. um So I just- She was aware. You know why she was aware? I asked I she was aware. I know she was aware. um Even if she wasn’t Kiera, do you think I should give a crap is the question.

50:34
Do you think I really should? And do you really think that’s part of healing? Healing, we talked about this on one of our forgiveness. Yeah, well, when we were doing forgiveness. Yeah, and at that time, I think it was me that was having a hard part about forgiving, but since then, I’ve definitely forgiven her. don’t have a, so I should say this, I don’t have a problem with her. She can live her best life and anything can happen, but there is a boundary that I am setting.

51:02
And that boundary is, I don’t need to do anything with you. We don’t need to be friends. We don’t need to get together. Anything that involves your daughter in us, 100 % supportive of, you know? But also I create a situation where I don’t want to create uncomfortability for her or myself.

51:28
So like if she was, when she graduates high school, prime example, or maybe eighth grade, depending on whatever the situation is, I’m totally okay with Kalief going. He’s supporting his daughter. I don’t need to be present, you know? And if he asks me to come, I don’t know if I would want to come because my intent is not to make her uncomfortable. And I don’t want to be uncomfortable in that situation because truth be told, let’s be for real. And this is what we don’t talk about. What do we really have to say to each other? And I’m not fake. I don’t care how you’re doing.

51:57
Don’t ask me how I’m doing. And I don’t want to create an uncomfortable situation for that child. So let’s be for real, why do I need to be present? You know, it’s not like this is his ex-wife. And even if it was his ex-wife, I need to be mindful of that because how did I come into the picture? You understand if this was his ex-wife, were y’all separated, were y’all still living together when he started messing with me, I have to, you know, be careful about that as well. oh

52:26
You understand what I’m trying to say? Like, I have no desire to want to be her friend. And I feel like this is where boundaries need to be set. I will never understand how two people, like, you know how when they talk about Alicia Keys and her husband and the wife, the ex-wife, I don’t really know the details to that story. But the fact that they’re friends now and they’re hanging out, oh no, I ain’t doing all that. I’m sorry. That happened to me when I was in high school. What?

52:56
Wait a minute, who were you? What role did you play? I was the one that got cheated on. then, um well, I don’t know for a fact that they were seeing each other while we were together, but she started seeing him right after we broke up. And then her and him broke up and her and I became like best friends for like, probably like you guys were friends before? We were not. We were kind of like, I wouldn’t say enemies, but we weren’t like, we were not friends at all.

53:25
Okay, but after y’all broke up, she started dating him. You’re not quite sure if anything happened before the breakup. Yeah, I think there was some overlap, but I’m not 100 % sure. um But our whatever happened, like there was this just mutual connection and her and I became really good friends. Like, but I think that’s different. That’s not I don’t see but my situation is different.

53:49
Yeah, I mean, that’s different because like… your situation is completely different because… This is high school, she was… Yeah, and even if y’all did date the same person, it wasn’t an infidelity issue. Right, but what I will say is I think that this is a prime example of like me not knowing how I would be in your situation, right? And not wanting to be like judgmental of, excuse me, like how you handle it and how you process it.

54:19
But part like, but then there is a part of me that listens to you and I’m like, Sherley, like, you are so true and authentic. I could understand why you wouldn’t want to, like, be fake and like play nice if you had to see her and you don’t want to make her uncomfortable. But as I’m listening, I believe that because your focus is on the child overall, right?

54:50
If something were to happen to this man, God forbid, like, I would not think that you wouldn’t let this lady come. Absolutely not. if I’m thinking it’s like more surrounded about the child. But I understand what you’re saying. listen to what you’re saying. My husband just died. Yeah. What? Of course all his kids need to be present. Yeah. What she need to be there for?

55:19
Mourning and stuff to support her daughter. Absolutely not. She could support another way. Okay. That’s another question we need to ask the listeners. That’s valid. Like you see, we always have different viewpoints and this is great. I love this for and I’m not and honestly, like again, this is me speaking from like, I’m not in that situation. You’re obviously not in that situation because God forbid, like that’s not going to happen. But I’m thinking like,

55:48
I just feel like there is a part of you that now, like you’re saying, like, I would never, I would never. But I think like, if this girl is like, she shows up with no support. Like, that’s a part for me where it’s like, Wait, who’s showing up with no support? The child, the child, the child. She got us.

56:09
but you say you don’t have a relationship with her. I don’t have a relationship with her anymore, but she has her siblings.

56:18
Okay. When she gets older, I do pray the fact that her and her, definitely her sister, my son is kind of like, they would have some kind of relationship. Yeah. And that’s what I pray about because she tore, she tore that relationship her and I had away, you know, she did basically drew a knife in between us because she wasn’t happy with the fact that the daughter was getting too close to me. And she thought I was trying to take her child away.

56:48
So she created this torn. When the little girl told me, mother said that I can’t call you mom because you’re not my mother. I said, really? I said, okay. And you know how I found out? Because my daughter was interacting with her. And instead of saying mommy like she used to, she’d say my name. And my daughter would tell her, you don’t say Sherley, you say mommy. And she said, I can’t.

57:16
You get what I’m saying? Like, come on now. Like, really? How immature are you? I think blended families have a lot of challenges, and I don’t envy you guys who are in those situations. They do. They do have a lot of challenges, especially when it’s a blended family such as mine, which is in a unique set.

57:44
But I also tell people, listen, stay true to who you are. You do have to forgive. Forgiveness is extremely important in this situation. Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for them. We talk about that. Yes, and I have forgiven both parties for what they’ve done. Trust me, I, this situation, and this is why when we did our podcast yesterday, I said I give Kalief and I kudos because a situation like ours, it’s hard to crawl out of.

58:13
It really is. It really is hard. Our situation is extremely unique and most people don’t make it out alive. It’s rough terrain out here in this infidelity world. And most people do not make it out alive, but Kalief and I did. And our relationship is even more closer with the help of, you know, therapy and us as well being intent in our healing. But I’m also realistic.

58:40
and my feelings and who I am and aware of the fact that we weren’t friends before. Maybe we could have possibly be friends if this situation didn’t happen. I have no idea. But based on how we have come to know each other, boundaries have to be set. And this is why I tell people there’s nothing wrong with boundaries. Even if it’s boundaries you have to set with your family.

59:09
Boundaries are extremely important part of healing for me and it looks differently for everybody and I have no shame in saying I have no desire to ever want to be friends with her. Absolutely at all. Any family function we have as she gets older and she’s driving and she’s on her own, her and her extended family, meaning her boyfriend or her husband.

59:37
more than welcome to come to the home. Don’t bring your mom. And I will tell her that as you know your mom can’t come. You know your mom can’t got it. She’s like, I got it. No, thanks. You know your mom can’t come. And if she might be upset about that, and if she is, she’s either going to be understanding in a way where I understand, I get it. And I don’t even think that situation will arise. Because as kids get older, we had a conversation about this.

01:00:07
I guarantee you even now she’s like, I don’t live with my brother and sister. Pretty soon she’s going to realize how she came to be. uh She’s going to realize how she came to be pretty soon because she just turned 11. So she’s around the corner. Yeah, it’s been a while now. It’s been a while. So she’s around the corner from understanding how she was created. Yeah. So.

01:00:32
I don’t think the situation will ever come arise like that. I’m just hoping that as she gets older, God will provide her with the understanding and good judgment to realize, I want to get to know my father’s side of the family and I want to be around and she does come around. oh So that’s what I’m hoping happens, Kara. But yeah, now you know. No, I don’t have any empathy for her at all whatsoever. hope God. I got got it, I got it. None.

01:01:00
I got it. And I could see the day when we’re like 80 years old and Kalief passes away and you’re going to be like, Sherley, did you let her come? Like, it was not there. My stepdaughter was there, but she wasn’t there.

01:01:19
And well into our 80s. Do remember those, you remember those like bracelets that used to say WWJD? Yes, yes, yes. Through this situation, it has taken me back to that a lot. would Jesus do? Or what would he do if he was sitting right here? Like, what would you do? mean, what would you would give me dirty look.

01:01:45
And I’d be like, God, you know she ain’t coming. We’re gonna have to talk about was there right there. Tell him, Jesus, she ain’t coming. She ain’t coming. And I’m like, oh yeah, I probably would not do that if he was there right there. Really? Yeah, it’s helped me a lot. And because I’m a visual kind of person. Yeah, and you’re a strong woman of faith. Remember, I’m halfway in. We’re gonna get you there.

01:02:11
But I don’t think that would ever change. feel- Yes, it would change. Absolutely not. Surely. No, meaning I have no problem being all the way in, but that ain’t going to It would change because your heart would change. Then I’m always going to only halfway in. No, it would. It would. Oh, that’s a good question we could ask. Our women of faith out there, our men of faith, what do you think about my situation? Should I invite her? It doesn’t matter what they think.

01:02:40
No, it doesn’t. want to hear their opinion or maybe I should change that. What is your opinion? The the opinion that matters is not theirs, is yours. And it’s it’s how you show up. And I think all of what you’re saying is 100 % valid. Like, I don’t know what I would do in a situation if I’m being honest. will tell you this, if she wanted to, God forbid, come to the home and drop something off as

01:03:09
uh, my condolences for this situation. I wouldn’t close the door on her. don’t know if I have we coming in and having a, can she, can she have some banana pudding or she just has to drop it off and leave? Is she like, Okay. Well, we would just stand at the door. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

01:03:30
You have to understand. I feel like my home is my sacred place, a safe space. I get it, trust me. Yeah, there’s boundaries in this. I just thought, I don’t think I ever asked you that. And I think that for me, I teeter. Like if I have the empathy or if I don’t. So if you were in my situation, you would very well possibly consider having her at the funeral? I think I would because I would, I think I would, right? I don’t know. Let’s say there were no children involved. No. If there’s no children involved, no.

01:03:59
So why do feel as though she needs to be there for the funeral to help this girl mourn? I told you to support her child. What about if her child’s an adult? She’s still her child, right? That’s just, right? But the thing is, again, I’m not in that situation. I can’t exactly speak to how I would be. I would hope that I would. And I get all the other boundaries. I get all of the other boundaries, 100%. But I think…

01:04:29
I do feel like if, you know, if it was like, if it’s, she doesn’t have anyone else, like she doesn’t have like close relationship with you. And she, if we’re saying just based on now, like she doesn’t have close relationship with your children. She would just show up like on an island unto herself. Like there would be no one to comfort her. There would be no one to like do anything. And like, even if she’s an adult, she’s still her child.

01:04:59
um But yeah, I don’t know, Sherley. I mean, I think I would want to do it the right way. Not saying that this is not the right way. I’m just saying I would want to like…

01:05:10
been allowing her to be there, but then there’s a part of me that totally understands where you’re coming from. Like you had a baby with this person. You knew he was married.

01:05:25
I’m sorry, what? So I get it.

01:05:31
And I’m just really glad I’m not in that situation. But I think the other thing is like, if we’re talking about the repeated…

01:05:43
action of all of this. It’s like, it does a lot of damage.

01:05:55
Uh, you know, there’s a lot of things that I’m fighting to not do. Like negative things? Yeah. Oh. Um, and then I’m just like, okay, you need to go read your Bible or go talk to your sister so you can get it out. then. The younger one or the big one? The younger one. The big one is too logical in a good way, but. Her logic is good.

01:06:25
She’s smart and intelligent. go to her too when I’m like. She reminds me of an Amanda Seals, but I’ve never heard her speak in that way. She is, she’s an intellectual and she’s, but she is also like a Christian, right? So my thing is. Is she really? My sister. She is too? All three of y’all? Yeah. So. And the, just as big as you when it comes to the faith or she like. Yeah. Okay.

01:06:55
I think she has sometimes a better understanding of like context with scripture. So sometimes I’ll be like, what does this mean? Why do I have to do this? And she’ll be like, okay, you need to read this or you need to watch this. And even my other sister has been like, I’m struggling with this. And then she’s like, you need to read this. I’m like, okay. um But I think the balance is good. That’s good.

01:07:24
That’s good. I didn’t realize she was a Christian as well. Yeah. And she’s like studying theology. I shouldn’t say that. didn’t realize she wasn’t Christian as well. I think I thought she was the one out of the three that was more deep into your faith. No, all three of us are. All three of us are, but I think we’ve all had our own like individual walks where it just kind of ebbs and flows. And I think as adults, like we’re now like definitely more serious um about

01:07:53
our relationship with God and understanding that like the religion aspect is not what we’re pursuing. We’re pursuing the relationship aspect. So yeah, all three of us are, which is good because you have that, I have that like spiritual support too that I need, but my little sister is also just kind of wild. So I love that. I probably would mesh well with little sister from a business standpoint, Melody and I get along well.

01:08:22
Yeah, Taylor is a little, uh. See, Taylor would understand exactly where I’m coming from. She a little hood. I don’t know where she got that. Cause Taylor would be like, I’m all for it, Sherley. She like, she, I’m like, I want to slash the tire. She’s like, you need a knife? Like how many knives do you me that friend, Karen. Yeah, that’s her. You call me I’m like, Sherley, we need the ride up. I need to go stalk. Let’s go. I’m pulling up. I support in all different ways. Yeah. And I’m like.

01:08:51
I’m like, you know what, thanks, but okay. I’m glad we vented about it now and we gotta be serious. No, we gotta be serious. We can’t do nothing rational. Now I would talk you off the ledge to do anything crazy, but slashing tires is not harmful. You see, this is I can’t talk to y’all.

01:09:12
It’s not. Now if you tell me you want to go like murder somebody, no. Okay, Kira, we’re not doing that. No, murder’s not okay. No, murder’s not okay. That’s where I draw the line. That’s where the line is. Okay. Because I’m going to be an accomplice. I got to talk you off the ledge. I can’t do that. Noted.

01:09:32
noted. See? I hope people’s takeaway is like, this is a difficult thing to walk through, but it’s possible, right? If you do the work to have the reconciliation, but that part is not the focus. I think the focus has to be the healing.

01:09:54
Very true, and what I realized is healing looks extremely different for us all. I think my take in all this is I want women to understand that infidelity is not the death of your life, the death of any other relationship. Love is such a great thing, Kira. It really is. I like am so happy when I see people in relationships and are properly loved and they’re happy. I want that.

01:10:24
But infidelity is not the way. But when that does happen, as long as you do the work for yourself and for your partner, if you guys want to try to work things out, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can still laugh and live an abundant life and live a great life with someone. And that’s really the intent behind the Sherley show is to be transparent, to talk about stuff, to be realistic.

01:10:52
And for people to hear things like, okay, Sherley, I see how you really feel. Okay, Kira, I see where you’re coming from. You know, it’s not for people to be like, these two motherfuckers stupid. Of course, I don’t want people to think that, but we are going to have those listeners that have like, I can’t listen to this fucking foolishness. Okay, you don’t have to. That’s great. Until you in a very traumatic situation and you down as fuck and you’re like, root them girls.

01:11:21
I remember when I first heard the Lemonade album by Beyonce. I was shocked. Shocked, right? I’m like, how could she stay with him? She is Beyonce. Are you kidding? Is that where your mind went? You know, I didn’t think of that. I was like, OK, I think of Beyonce like any other woman. I’m like, this motherfucker’s straight dumb. First of all, how the fuck you get caught? How? And then she got all this money.

01:11:49
And she’s so well off and this is what you think to do. That’s where my mind went. Oh, it went, it 100 % went there too. It’s like all the things. And I remember that album came out the year I was getting married. Oh really? Okay. I’m in this like love, like I would never, I would never, right? I would never, I would never. But I think it happened because what year you got married?

01:12:18
2016 you got married 2016. I think it happened the year blue was born because remember she made the album after Right. Well, we don’t know. I mean, I think I’m talking about when the album was born I think blue was born 2014 She No blue gotta be older than 11 that girl looked big when I see her now she look about 14 now

01:12:44
I don’t think she’s that old. no, this album came out in 2016. It came out April 23rd, 2016. And when was Blueborn? I don’t know. I got married November 2016.

01:12:56
So.

01:13:01
Um, Blue was born 2012. Okay. She’ll be 13. She will be 14 in January. Okay. So yeah, she was born. So, you know, and I was getting married and I just remember listening to the album, like, oh my God, I can’t believe she went through this. I can’t believe she stayed. Okay. That’s interesting. I could believe she stayed. And I guess because I was in the peak of my situation and I was like, you know what, when I heard that album.

01:13:30
We were at two different stages. I was getting married that year. Yeah. And that’s why you were like, I can’t believe she stayed. was at the, it was like at the height of my situation. Yeah. And I was like, okay, okay, Beyonce say you working it out. Maybe I need to work it out. Like if she can do it, if she can do it, I can do it too. We all could do it, but um.

01:13:53
Yeah, that’s what shocked me. I was like, damn, Jay-Z, you got caught. But I guess with all those people around you, it’s really hard for you to really sweep it underneath the rug. But damn, you fucked up, But hey, you got you a good woman because she, y’all worked it out. Y’all reconciled it. Y’all did a reunion of vows and shit.

01:14:16
So, I mean, it happens to every, when it comes to infidelity, you know, there’s no one excluded, no skin color, no race, no nothing. Everyone’s involved when it comes to infidelity and you better hope you find out because there’s some partners that take it to the grave.

01:14:37
Oh, and we don’t want this to be traumatic. Now, don’t go listening to this episode and looking at your spouse funny. Okay, like, what the fuck you been doing? But, you know, don’t do that now. I ain’t trying to start no problem. Or feed paranoia, like…

01:14:55
oh Don’t go looking for stuff that’s that because if you start looking for stuff, might find something that’s all I’m gonna say. Yeah, very true. But I guess now we’re going to end the pain of deja vu with one final question for you. And that question is.

01:15:19
What do you have to say to the viewers who are listening based on your right now situation, your feelings? Let’s see, one final thing. I would say that I wanted to share it at this time, kind of while I was walking through it, to be fully transparent and vulnerable and let people see what it could look like when you’re actively

01:15:49
going through this situation, to be able to share that it’s okay to have all of the emotions surrounding it, to be confused and all the things, and to let people know that I really am relying on God during this time, not my own strength. If I was relying just on myself,

01:16:16
I think I would have made the situation a lot worse. So my encouragement is if you are a believer to just um surrender all of the things to God and allow him to build you up and speak to your heart and understand that, you know, hurt people hurt people. That doesn’t mean that you have to stay.

01:16:46
um And you want to be with someone who is going to take care of your heart. And if you’re not, you have to do a lot of prayers, fasting, reading, seeking God for direction on what to do next. oh

01:17:15
I’m speaking also as a married person and what the word says about marriage and covenant. um So for me, it is a very serious decision that I don’t take lightly if I were to divorce or if I were to stay married. So I want to make sure that I’m making the best decision, um not from an emotional place.

01:17:42
But so people also understand that this is a very difficult thing to walk through. But you can laugh through it. You can smile. You can have fun times and you won’t get everything right either. But I think where Sherley is is a testament to that reconciliation and healing is possible. We’re still gonna work on. I’m still be praying for her about the rest of it.

01:18:11
It’s possible and at the end of the day, it’s like your decision. It shouldn’t be influenced by what you think people are gonna think. And yeah, like you’re gonna be okay. I’m gonna be okay. Like I’ll look back on these two episodes whenever they come out and be like, man, I could even see the growth from last, the three weeks ago till now, you know? um So yeah, it’s just, I hope.

01:18:40
that people will, yeah, take that. That’s all I got. Perfect. And just to finish off what she said, she’s given some great pointers. We did to give what advice, when I asked her the question of what advice would you give to someone who just found out their partner was unfaithful? And we did say, don’t be reactive. So don’t react to any negative feeling that you.

01:19:09
are going through. It is a good to be aware of those feelings and not suppress them, but don’t be reactive. It’s important to seek therapy. It’s important to pray. As you can see, being healed looks so differently from Kira and I. And when I say healed, Kira has healed from other things in the past. Right now, this is new situation we’re discussing. So healing looks extremely different from everybody. But now we’re going to say goodbye to the show because Lucy,

01:19:38
is literally acting like a complete maniac. She like, if you don’t let me outside, we gonna have a problem. Yeah, she definitely is. So until the next episode, enjoy the pain of deja vu part two and part one. And have a good one, guys. Thank you for tuning into the show. If you want to continue the conversation or share your takeaways, head on over to the website or join us on social media. I want to hear from you. Don’t forget to rate and subscribe to the podcast so you

01:20:08
Never miss an episode. Chat with you soon.