Staying Is Not Always Strength, and Leaving Is Not Always Failure

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We celebrate engagements. We throw showers, parties, and a wedding that takes a year to plan. Then a marriage ends, and the room goes quiet.

People whisper. What happened? Who did what? Did they try hard enough?

On a recent episode of Conversations, my co host and I sat with two questions. Why is staying unhappy praised more than choosing peace? And why is divorce called a failure while suffering in silence gets called strength?

I do not have a tidy answer. I do have my own experience, some research I went and checked, and plenty of opinions. I am not a licensed professional, so think of this as me sharing what I am learning, not telling you what to do. Let’s get into it.

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When did leaving become a weakness?

That was the first question I asked on the episode, and I still have not found the date it happened.

Here is what I know. Nothing lasts forever. I am an optimist, but I am also a realist. A relationship ends in one of two ways: separation or divorce, or death. That is not a dark thought to me. It is just honest. If we pretend every relationship is forever, we never prepare for the day it is not.

So when two adults can look at each other and say, we cannot do this anymore, and they say it with maturity instead of a war, I see strength. That takes more courage than people give it credit for.

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Why people stay

Let’s be fair. People stay for real reasons.

• Children
• Money
• Fear of starting over
• Family pressure
• Image and reputation
• Comfort and familiarity

That last one gets me. Comfort is powerful. When you have known someone for decades, they become your normal. You know their moods and the sound of their key in the door. That can feel like love. Sometimes it is love. Sometimes it is just familiar. Familiar and healthy are not the same thing, and only you can tell which one you are holding.

It also helps to know where the pressure comes from. Tradition. Religion. Culture. For generations, many women could not leave because they could not afford to. If a woman divorced, people asked what she did wrong. Today more women earn their own money and can ask a different question: is staying actually good for me? The old judgment did not disappear when the paycheck showed up. It is still in the room.

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Separation can give you clarity

I can speak to this one from experience. My husband and I have separated before, more than once. We were not trying to end the marriage. I needed distance to answer a question I could not answer while standing in the middle of the pain: did I want this to move forward?

I will be real with you. There was no lightning bolt. There was no magical moment that sent us running back to each other, and nobody should expect one. What happened was quieter. The space let me reflect. I missed him, and that confused me, because the things that hurt me had not changed. Both were true at the same time.

We came back together because each of us was willing to do the work. Not just because we loved each other, though we did. Love was not enough by itself. The work was prayer, therapy, reading, exercise, hard conversations, and a lot of patience with myself.

I tell you this for one reason. A separation is not always the end. Sometimes it is a pause that lets you hear yourself think. Sometimes it is the first step toward something else. Both are okay.

One more thing about separation. I think it should have a purpose and a check in point. On the episode I said six months, and that if you are heading into month seven you should ask yourself what the hell is happening. That is my opinion, not a rule. There is no magic number, and your situation may need more time or less. The point is to use the space on purpose, with a therapist or counselor if you can, instead of letting it drift.

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Who benefits when you stay unhappy?

This is the question that stayed with me most.

Think about what unhealthy looks like. Communication is thin or gone. Nobody says how they feel because it is easier to be quiet. Intimacy fades, and I mean all of it: sex, conversation, being vulnerable with each other. One person is doing most of the work and the other has stopped showing up. Resentment grows. You start to feel something close to disgust for the person you promised your life to.

On the episode, my answer was that no one benefits. I still believe the couple loses. But I want to be careful about the children part, because the research is more mixed than we made it sound.

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What the research says about staying for the kids

A Penn State research team followed married couples and their children for about twenty years. Penn State News reported on what they found. Children from high conflict homes did fairly well once the marriage ended, close to how kids from intact marriages did on many measures. But children whose parents had a low conflict marriage that ended in divorce struggled more, partly because they never saw it coming.

The same researchers also said that couples in okay but not great marriages should think about the children first. I am not sharing that to push you in either direction. I am sharing it because it is honest. The answer depends on the home. Constant fighting hurts kids. A divorce that blindsides them hurts too.

The American Academy of Pediatrics adds more in its clinical report on helping children and families deal with divorce and separation. Conflict between parents often comes before the split and can lead to behavior problems in children. Many children show changes in the first year, yet most adjust and do well over time, especially when they have supportive relationships. The report also says that what parents do during and after a divorce matters a great deal, and that counseling can help children cope.

So where does that leave us? Here is where I landed. Children are not protected by a perfect looking marriage. They are watching how we handle conflict, how we repair, and how we treat each other when we are unhappy. Kids do not need parents who pretend everything is fine. They need to see conflict handled in an age appropriate way, and they need to see it resolved. Whatever you decide, that is the lesson they take with them.

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Social media only shows you the highlight reel

Social media makes all of this harder. We see the anniversary posts, the vacations, the matching outfits. We rarely see the arguments, the counseling appointments, or the nights someone sleeps in another room.

I share a lot on this podcast, and I still tell people the same thing: you know about one percent of what is really going on in my life. There are things I will never share. That is not hiding. That is privacy. There is a difference between choosing what you share and pretending.

If you measure your marriage against someone else’s highlight reel, you will lose every time. And when a public figure announces a divorce, the comment section turns into a courtroom. People feel they are owed an explanation. They are not. As we said in Betrayal, Trust & the Truth About Relationships, you never really know what is happening behind closed doors.

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Why divorce gets a whisper

Notice how it goes. An engagement gets a party. A divorce gets a whisper. When people do talk about a divorce, it usually starts with the worst thing the other person did. You rarely hear, we outgrew each other, we want different things, and we are still kind to each other. That version exists. It just does not get shared as often.

Kindness in a split is worth noticing. When two people can end things without trying to destroy each other, it says something about their character. It also protects everyone watching, especially children.

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What staying in pain can cost

Staying in a relationship that is hurting you has a price, even if nobody sends you the bill.

• Loss of confidence
• Emotional exhaustion
• Dreams and goals put on hold when you are not aligned
• Anxiety and depression
• Resentment
• Showing the next generation what unhealthy love looks like

I am not saying every hard season means you should go. Every marriage has rough patches. But if that list sounds like your daily life, it is worth talking through with a licensed counselor or therapist. We say it often on the show because we mean it: therapy matters, whether you stay or you go.

And if you are ever afraid of how your partner will react, or you do not feel safe, please reach out to someone you trust or a local domestic violence hotline. Your safety comes first.

Key takeaway

Peace matters. Healing matters. Growth matters. Your happiness is valid. Relationships do not always end because people fail. Sometimes they end because someone finally chose themselves, and that is not a negative thing.

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What if leaving is not failure?

Here is the reframe I keep coming back to. We do not call ourselves failures when we leave a job and move on to a new one. We say we learned something, we grew, and it was time. Why do we hold relationships to a different standard?

A few ways to look at it:

• Divorce can be growth. Two people realize this is not working and choose to go their separate ways with care.
• Separation can be choosing peace.
• Healing takes courage, and giving each other time to heal is part of it.
• A new beginning is strength, not a betrayal of the old one.
• Leaving can be self respect. Nobody outside the relationship knows what it took.
• Choosing peace is choosing health. Stress takes a real toll on the body and the mind.
• Growth can outgrow a relationship. You are not who you were ten or twenty years ago, and neither is your partner. The question is whether you are growing in the same direction.

None of this means you should leave. Choosing to stay and do the work is strength too, and my own marriage is proof that it can be done. The point is that whichever way you go, the decision does not make you a failure.

I will add this: marriage does not have to fit one box. Some couples keep separate rooms. Some live apart for work. Some say they live apart and call it a marriage that works. If trust is solid and you both agree, who gets to judge? What matters is that the two people inside it are honest and at peace.

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You will know, even without a lightning bolt

People ask how you know when it is time to stay or go. I do not think everyone gets a clear sign. For me it was quieter than that. What I hope for you is not a message from the sky. It is a settled feeling after you have done the work: I made my decision, and I can stand on it. Then you get support for whatever comes next.

And please be gentle with each other and with yourself while you figure it out. Do not beat yourself up over the choice you made or the time it took to make it.

Questions to sit with

• Would you rather be alone in peace or together in pain?
• Do you think society rewards suffering in relationships?
• Is staying always stronger than leaving?
• Am I staying because I want to, or because I am afraid?

Take them to a journal, a trusted friend, or a counselor. There is no right answer, and you do not have to decide today.

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Listen to the full conversation

This post comes from a Conversations episode where my co host and I talk through all of it, including the parts that did not fit here. Listen to Choosing Peace: Why Separation or Divorce Doesn’t Mean You Failed, and browse more episodes in the Conversations series. Follow the show wherever you listen so you do not miss the next one.

Want more on this? Keep reading:

• How To Know If The Relationship Is Over
• Breaking Family Cycles: A Path to Emotional Healing
• Why You Must Forgive Yourself First

We are rooting for you. We always are.

Sherley’s Show

P.S. If you are somewhere in the middle of the stay or go question, I put together a free reflection guidebook to help you think it through at your own pace. You can find it on the relationship resources page.

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Sherley’s Show is learning and growing every single day. We aim to uplift all marginalized voices both on this podcast and in real life. Please note that we are always striving to change the problematic language that society has internalized in us. Thank you for your patience as we aim to strip certain phrases from our vocabulary.

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Sherley’s Show provides an atmosphere where every woman is comfortable growing into their best self. Sherley’s Show is a no judgment podcast where we discuss how to rise strong out of all types of obstacles that come with relationships. Through personal life experiences and discussions ranging from infidelity, trust, forgiveness, sex, heartbreak, self love, therapy and more, we offer words of empowerment as you strive to build and maintain all of the relationships in your life. You may be going through something that is unique and difficult. Sharing your story gives others comfort and could also be helping someone else. Let them know they are not alone. Everyone has a story, do not let fear hold you back.

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